Page 36 of Without You

He’s so fucking beautiful.

The errant thought bowls me over, unnameable emotions rushing through me. I can’t go there. Not with anybody. And especially not with him.

As if he can feel me watching him, his gaze flickers to mine, his smile still intact.

I try to smile back, but it feels forced and fake. His face falters, and I hate myself for ruining this moment for him.

Lowering my head in shame, I busy myself with Lia, until Deacon returns to his seat.

When I feel Victoria sitting back down, I shift my body so Lia and I are giving Deacon our back. It’s childish and unwarranted but I’m too unsettled and confused to act normal.

“Did you hear that, sweet girl?” I coo. “You’re going to be a big sister.”

Vic’s face glows as she turns to me and Lia. Just like her brother, happiness radiates off her.

I smile at her. I smile the way I would’ve smiled at Deacon if my head wasn’t in such a foreign place every time I look at him.

With nothing but the utmost happiness in my heart for her and her beautiful family, I smile. Because regardless of what I’m feeling and going through, she deserves this—they all do.

“Congratulations,” I say, dragging her in for a one-armed hug. “When are you due?”

“In April. I only just passed the twelve week mark.”

“Are you going to find out the sex?”

“Probably. I made Hayden wait with Lia, so it’s only fair this time that we find out.”

“Excellent answer,” Hayden shouts across the table.

“Any preferences?” I ask them both.

“I know everyone says they don’t care and they just want a healthy baby, but isn’t that a given?”

“She wants a boy,” Hayden interjects. “Said this is the last time she’s going to let herself look like an elephant. No matter how much she loves me.”

They’re smitten with one another, Victoria givingher husband googly eyes, and Hayden completely enamored by the mother of his children.

“You guys are sickening,” Deacon points out.

“I’m going to have to agree,” I say. “It’s not a surprise you’re pregnant again. I bet you two just look at each other and poof it happens.”

Victoria nudges me. “Come on, you know what it’s like.”

The words hit me, like a quick and fast jab to the face. I did know what it was like. I don’t anymore, and fuck if I don’t miss it.

Miss him. Miss his touch. Miss his voice. Miss someone knowing me. Someone loving me.

Her hands fly to her mouth, as if she’s physically trying to push them back in. “I’m so sorry, Julian. I didn’t even think.”

“Hey.” I rest a hand on her knee. “It’s okay.” Lifting Lia off my lap, I give her back to her mom. “I just need a minute, okay?”

I try to be as quick and discreet as possible. Needing fresh air, but not wanting to draw any more attention to myself.

When I finally make it out the door, relief hits me in the form of cool, brisk air. Realizing there’s nothing but glass restaurant windows along the length of the building, I walk to Deacon’s truck and lean on the passenger door.

“Julian.” My head snaps up to see Deacon heading my way. My eyes drag themselves up his six foot three frame, and I inwardly curse myself at the newfound attraction I’m feeling toward him.

I’m not prepared for the avalanche of feelings. They’re hitting me like a freight train, and suddenly I’m torn between wanting him to stay or wanting him to go.

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