Page 17 of Without You

“He just got in Elaine.”

My father’s stern voice has her lowering her eyes in a moment of shame. “I’m sorry, Deacon, it’s just your sister said she couldn’t make it tonight, and I was hoping we would get to spend some time as a family this weekend.”

While the words attempt to be comforting and welcoming, the tone and her body language is anything but. She’s stiff and awkward, enough so that I’m second guessing why she even wants any of us here.

The tension is short-lived when a voice I wish I didn’t recognize reaches us in the kitchen. “Anyone home?” Julian calls out. “You left the front door open.”

“We’re in here,” my mother shouts back. Dropping the knife and untying her apron, I watch the woman who, moments ago, seemed unenthused by my presence morph before me. Walking right between my father and I, she meets Julian in the foyer, her arms open to greet him. “It’s so good to see you, Julian. I didn’t think you were coming till tomorrow.”

When he hugs her back, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. “Yeah, I got the night off work last minute,” he supplies.

“Deacon,” my mom coos. “Come say hello to Julian, it’s been so long since you’ve seen him.” Instinctively, I shift my gaze from the sight in front of me back to my dad. Like a kid who wants his parents to make it all better, I wait for him to say or give me more than the apology that’s written all over his face.

It never comes.

My stare slides back to Julian, my attention fixed on him. Whatever expression is on my face causes him to step away from my mother and the pity in his eyes brings back the anger I felt at his place earlier today; the irritation that he’s always managing to notice the things nobody ever has.

Every part of me wants to scream. Scream at him. Scream at them. Scream at nobody in particular. I just want to unload the hurt and disappointment that has followed me for longer than I can remember and stop feeling so inadequate every time I’m around my family.

But I don’t do any of that. Instead I clear my throat and push myself off the wall, not giving my mother or Julian a second glance. “It’s good to see you, Dad, I’m gonna grab my duffel, and then head upstairs.”

4

Julian

My eyes follow Deacon as he rushes out the front door, and I have to fight the urge to follow him. Between the way he left my place, and whatever it is I walked in on, it’s like he’s teetering on the edge and ready to explode.

My intention wasn’t to rile him up, I was just curious. I still am. So much so, I’ve shown up on their doorstep and invaded their family time, a day earlier than planned.

A part of me wanted Deacon to open up, to talk about the loss of his brother. I don’t know if it’s because hearing about someone else’s grief might make me feel less alone, or in some weird way, it makes me feel closer to Rhett. But even if I was willing to talk and make nice, he made it clear that whatever hostility he’s always harbored toward me is still very much alive and well.

Not sure how to proceed, I look at Mr. Sutton, and nod at him. “Hey, Bill.”

Placing a hand on my shoulder, he gives it a tight squeeze. “Hey, son,” he says with a resigned smile. “It’s great to see you.”

He heads in the opposite direction, and Elaine leaves me with no choice but to follow her into the kitchen.

“The lasagna is in the oven,” she exclaims. “And I’m just cutting up the vegetables for a salad.”

“Sorry, Elaine, I didn’t even think. I won’t stay for dinner.”

“Don’t be silly,” she says, waving her hand at me. “I thought Victoria, Hayden, and Lia would be here tonight too, plus I still haven’t figured out how to cook for only two people.” She stops slicing through the lettuce and looks up at me. “Food or no food, you know this is still your home too.”

Well aware she’s referring to a time when Rhett was still alive, and I still lived next door; I choose to not focus on the melancholy statement and concentrate on the here and now.

“Do you need any help?” I ask.

Pulling out a bar stool, she pats the seat excitedly. “No. You just sit yourself down and tell me how you’ve been.”

With my life pretty much on rinse and repeat, I don’t have much going on since the last time she and I saw each other, but I rattle on about how working at the bar keeps me busy, and pays the bills. It’s a simple life, but it works for me.

She hangs on to my every word, her eyes wide, asking questions whenever there’s an opening. Filling every lull with an endless stream of words. If her need to escape her own thoughts and talk about her own life wasn’t so obvious, her incessant rambling would be comical.

I’ve been so overwhelmed and drowning in my own grief, I realize this is the first time since Rhett’s death I’m really seeing the woman who has always been like a second mom to me. The way she deflects everything on to everybody else and doesn’t even allow herself a moment of reprieve. It’s a mask she’s so desperate to keep in place, but if she’s not careful, the only option will be to break. The mask, and her.

Bill silently walks into the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge, and I don’t miss the irritation that washes over his wife’s face, while she watches him.

“Can I have one of those please, Bill?” I ask, hoping to steer Elaine’s attention from her annoyance at her husband onto me. “You would think working in a bar would turn me off drinking.”

---