Page 116 of Without You

“Fuck. I forgot it was Christmas,” I say. “How the fuck did I just forget it was Christmas?”

A muffled voice along with a quick knock alerts us it’s room service. “Let me get that,” Julian offers.

He walks back in with a huge silver tray holding all our food. He puts it down on the edge of the bed, and then walks to me.

He rests his hands on my waist. “What’s the sudden freak out about Christmas?”

“It would’ve been our first Christmas together,” I acknowledge. “I didn’t want it to be like this.”

“We’re still together, though, aren’t we?”

“I know.” I mirror his stance and drag him to me. “What did she say about us?”

“There was a lot of that fake swearing she does when Lia is awake.”

I smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes when I ask, “Was she okay about us?”

“Hey,” Julian coos. “She isn’t your mom, and she was very okay about us. More than okay even.”

I release the breath I was holding, relieved that’s one less thing we have to think about.

“She did want to know if you were going to try and stay and maybe work on—”

“I can’t,” I cut him off. “I know this makes me seem like a horrible son, but she already thinks I am one, so what does it matter at this point?”

“Listen,” Julian says firmly, his annoyance escalating. “Your one job is to not worry about your mom. Quite frankly, she doesn’t deserve it.”

I don’t know why, but a stab of guilt pricks at my conscience. She was always nice to Julian; I can’t expect him to hate her because of me.

“You don’t have to defend me,” I tell him. “I know she’s been good to you over the years. It can’t be easy just dismissing her like that.”

“No.” He shakes his head vehemently. “No, don’t do that.”

“I wouldn’t be mad,” I try to explain.

“It’s not about that. I can’t look at her,” he admits. “The only time the image of her slapping you wasn’t playing on a loop in my head was when I was inside you.”

His face is nothing but anguish and distress, and I don’t want to see that, not because of me.

“I know you’re not familiar with how this piece of the puzzle works, but you’re mine. You arealwaysgoing to be mine.” My lips turn upward at his hint of possessiveness. “So, if you think I’m going to let anyone treat the man I love with anything less than the respect he deserves, and then think I’m still keeping them around?” He clicks his tongue. “Then maybe you’re underestimating how much I love you.”

“Come here.” I pull him close to my chest and hug him. “If I’m underestimating, then you should give me a quick little refresher course on how much you love me.”

“I love you more than my past,” he says. “I love you more than the obstacles the present has thrown in our way. Because you’re my future. And I’m going to love you forever because you’re my always.”

27

Julian

New Years’ Eve

“Can you please put a shirt on?” I begrudgingly reprimand.

“Why? I polished my nipple rings just for you.”

I side eye Deacon. On a normal day, I would be all over those rods of metal, using both my tongue and my fingers, but today is a different story; we’re expecting company.

“Nobody polishes their nipple rings,” I deadpan.

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