Page 104 of Without You

“Of course,” I exclaim. “I’m actually pretty pumped he asked me.”

“You’d be a great best man,” he compliments.

“Thanks.”

The conversation moves from wedding talk to things that happened in the airport and on the plane, to just random shit that really has no major significance to either one of us, but we can’t seem to stop.

It’s avoidance of the highest form, and I’m just hoping and praying it’s not going to be like this till I get back to Montana for Christmas. I tell myself the last time we were apart things were different. We were different.

Now, the stakes are high. Maybe too high for Julian.

“I’m going to get to bed,” Julian says.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“Mhmm.”

“Julian,” I say sternly. “Just tell me. Whatever it is, even if it’s about us. If something’s wrong, I want to know.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” He sighs. “I just…I have to go,” he clips.

Feeling so far removed from the conversation and the man on the other end of the line I close my eyes and count to ten.

“Call me if you need me,” I tell him.

“I will.”

“Or text me,” I add. “Just don’t shut me out okay?”

“That’s the last thing I want to do,” he says apologetically.

If you say so.

“Goodnight, Deacon.”

“Night.”

If I was waiting for him to delay the goodbye or even save the conversation, neither happened. Looking up at the ceiling, I spin my phone in between my fingers. I told Wade tonight I would be patient, and that’s what I have to shut up and do.

No matter how many times he tries to keep me in the dark, I have to trust him. Trust us.

Swiping at my screen, I open up a text message to Julian.

Me: I know being back there is hard. I’m sorry, and it’s not my intention to make it harder. If I could take the burden off you, I would. Please know that.

The phone stays silent for entirely too long, and ten minutes later when the message comes through, I wish the quiet had lasted a little bit longer.

Julian: I’m scared. If I tell you the truth, you’ll be upset. If I keep it to myself, you’ll still be upset.

Me: Try me.

Julian: The next three weeks are going to be tough for me, and I can’t guarantee that every time we speak it isn’t going to go exactly like tonight.

My stomach feels the kick of his words, hard and fast.

Me: I can come and help you.

Julian: I wish it were that easy.

---