Page 103 of Without You

I couldn’t compete with my brother when he was alive, and I can’t possibly compete with him now that he’s dead.

“I’m just going to wait,” I tell Wade. “Christmas is only three weeks away. It’s not going to kill me to show a bit of patience. He has to move out of that place regardless, and I know that in itself isn’t going to be an easy feat for him.”

“It’s going to be okay,” he states. “I don’t know what I expected yesterday when the four of us went out, but honestly…” He pauses, his eyes drop to the floor and back up again. “I don’t mean any disrespect when I say this, and I don’t know what it was like for him and your brother or what they looked like together. But the two of you…”

“The two of us, what?”

“You look made for each other, man.”

I feel the ridiculous, uninhibited smile stretch across my face and flick my best friend on the leg. “And you think I grew the vagina.”

“Ouch, you fucker.” He rubs his leg. “I was being nice.”

He is, and what he said is more than nice. It echoes thoughts and feelings that don’t feel comfortable for me to bring into the light of day just yet.

“Thank you,” I say. “Thank you for being a pain in my ass and checking up on me.”

Nodding, he slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out a small, black, velvet box. “There may have been another reason I wanted to come over.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I shout excitedly. I shoot up off the couch and pluck the box out of his fingers. Opening it up, I see a shiny, white gold band with a large, square halo diamond perfectly perched on top of it. It’s elegant and romantic and perfect for Christy.

“When are you going to propose?” I pry.

He shrugs. “Probably Christmas.”

“Have you thought of how?” He gives me a smug smile, and I chuckle. “Of course you have, you romantic fucker.”

“I was actually hoping you’d be my best man,” he says, more seriously.

“She’s got to say yes first, you cocky motherfucker,” I joke. “But yeah, man.” I nod, the emotion of everything we’ve shared along the years with each other hitting me hard. “I’d be honored.”

* * *

“Hey.”Julian answers the phone, and I feel the distance between us immediately. His voice is reserved and uncomfortable, and I hate not knowing if it’s me or if it’s something else.

When he landed, we texted a bit back and forth, but agreed to just talk later tonight when he’d settled back in. And now that nighttime is here I’m wondering if we should’ve just stuck to text, where the truth is easier to hide and the lie is easier to tell.

“How are you?” I ask awkwardly. “How’s it feel being back?”

I flinch at my own question, because it wasn’t my intention to ask. Because I’m not sure I want his answer.

“Different,” he responds.

Good different or bad different?

“I miss you,” he says cautiously.

The tension in my body drains at the declaration. It’s dumb, because deep down I know he’s still thinking about me; I know he hasn’t forgotten about me, but I can’t help but crave that acknowledgement with the physical distance between us.

“I miss you too.”

There’s a beat of silence so I blurt out the first thing that comes to me. “Wade’s going to propose to Christy. He came over today to show me the ring and ask me to be his best man.”

“Oh my God,” Julian says in shock. “That’s amazing. They’re perfect together,” he rambles. “I can just imagine Christy when he pops the question. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people so smitten with one another.”

“It’s true,” I agree. “I can’t wait to hear how he’s going to ask her.”

“So, are you going to be his best man?”

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