Page 57 of Zachary

Dustin:

Does he know you’re a virgin? That’s kind of important.

I told him I don’t have a lot of experience and want to take things slow.

Fabian:

Dude. No. Consent means everyone gets to know the facts. You don’t need to make it a big deal, but you should tell him it’s your first time.

Dustin:

Yep. Tell him you THINK you’re a top/bottom/versatile—whatever you work out—but that sex with someone else is a new experience for you.

Hagen:

Some guys dig the whole virgin thing. He’s been good with waiting, so he’ll probably think it’s special that you’ve never been with anyone else.

I get the distinct feeling that in Zac’s shoes, Hagen would run so fast in the other direction, he’d be a blur.

Fabian:

The most important thing to remember is that it’s okay for either of you to say no or stop or slow down. Sometimes things are going great but then one thing just feels off. Don’t think you gotta keep going. Talk to Zac and listen when he talks to you.

I really didn’t expect so much of this advice to be centered on feelings and consent. It casts my friends in a new light.

Fabian:

And may you both come like Niagara Falls!

Okay, that’s more like it.

Dustin:

Take your time exploring things over the next few days. Make sure you’re ready and feel confident and know where to find the prostate. It’s in the same spot for all species.

Hagen:

And let me know if you have questions when the package arrives. Some of the instructions aren’t that great.

Instructions? What the fuck is he sending me?

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Zac

I pace agitatedlyalong the upstairs hallway. I was pacing in my bedroom, but there wasn’t enough room to get a good stride going. How can a man think when he constantly has to stop and turn? And I need to think. I need to understand how, after a month of being the happiest I’ve ever been, of having everything in my life fall into place as if by magic, I could somehow have fucked it up.

What did I do? That’s what I can’t work out. It was all going so well. Grandmother’s still pissed, but we expected that. She loves us, and eventually she’ll come around. In the meantime, our parents called us over to Uncle Hal and Aunt Hilda’s house the day after the big confrontation to apologize for not understanding exactly what was going on and not protecting us better. We’re grown adults, but there was something about having my mom say she wished she’d looked out for me more that made me feel validated. She and I have talked about personal stuff a few times since, and even though I would’ve said we’ve always been close, it’s different now. I like it better this way. I told her I’m falling in love with Ronan, and she’s made it a mission to get to know him better. I don’t think he ever really had a mother figure—he’s mentioned a nurse when he was small,but never anyone who cuddled him—and even though I know my mom can be scary to a lot of people, he seems to see beyond that to the mom part of her. They get along like a house on fire, and I love it.

Asher filed the papers for the legal incorporation of our new company, and the village council, with Grandmother’s grudging approval, has agreed to sell us the land for the resort. Micah and I have been working on the plans, with a lot of input from Zoe, who’s spent more time in ski resorts than any of us, and, surprisingly, Aunt Cami. She’s really excited about the idea of a family-friendly community vacation destination. Unbeknownst to us, she’s a member of a lot of online community parenting forums, and she says the lack of safe places for community children to just be themselves while on vacation is something that comes up a lot. She’s convinced that with the right advertising, we can be fully booked for a whole season before we even officially open. Zoe just smiled smugly and said, “See?”

And Ronan… Ronan is amazing. He’s the piece of my life I didn’t even know was missing. I know he’s still coming to terms with a lot of stuff about himself and his past and his relationship with his brother, especially, but seeing him slowly gain his confidence and be the person he wants to be is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.

He’s not shy about showing affection, either. At first I thought he would be, because that initial kiss was so reticent, but now that he’s sure of what he’s doing, he doesn’t hesitate to touch me or steal kisses wherever and whenever he wants to. He’s not clingy, but he likes for us to be in contact—holding hands in public, snuggled together on the couch, legs touching while we eat. We’re almost always connected, and I love it. Sure, I’m being eaten alive with sexual frustration and have never jerked off this much in my life, not even when I was a teenagerand just discovering the joy of it. But he wants to go slow, and I don’t want to do anything that might fuck things up between us.

Except somehow, I have.

This past week, he’s been different. It started at the end of last week, although I didn’t notice right away. He’s been… not distant. When we’re together, doing things, out and about, everything’s fine. It’s all the same. But when we’re at his place, just hanging out, the night winding down, he… It’s like he’s waiting for me to leave. He’s still into everything we do, eager even, but before when I finally made a move to go, he’d be pouty and ask for just a few more minutes or one more kiss. Now… now he lets me go. It’s like he’s losing interest, or not as invested, and I don’t get it. Nothing’s changed for me except that I want him more than ever. I’m within inches of losing my heart to him completely, and it seems like he’s just okay with me.

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