Page 203 of Finding Hope

There’s not much left of me to give.

“She’s too good for him, too, but he’s a good guy. He’ll take care of her. I trust him. I hate his ugly fucking guts, but I trust him.

“I had her for only a few months, and my insecurities smothered her. I smothered the flame we had.” I slump in on myself. “Fuck, I want the fire back, Steph. I miss her.So. Fucking. Much.It’s been forever since I saw her, even longer since I last touched her.” I haven’t touched her since before my promo tour. I haven’t seen her smile in just as long.

Months ago. Too long.

“At least she watched my fight, right? She said she did. She knew that I won. That means she cares, right?”Yeah. It does. She does.

She has to.

Maybe Luc’s just a rebound thing. Her attempt at flicking our switch the way I can’t.

I look down into my hands, then lift them and show Steph the bracelet. “I guess she visits you, too, huh? I shouldn’t be surprised.Girls.” Scoffing, I lean back against Annie’s solid chest. “Thick as thieves. You’re allthe same.” I think back to the night of our first blowup. The night I discovered her name wasnotBambie. “Did you know Annie chose her over me? The first time I brought her home, Annie was about ready to rip my arm off to protect her. Little shit.” Laughing, I tap Annie’s thigh and jerk her out of her sleep.

I’m vaguely aware of her vibrating chest, then her standing and wandering off.

“So, I was thinking,” I continue. “Remember ages ago where I asked you for a sign and you didn’t really deliver? Well,” I correct. “You kinda did. In a big way.” Steph delivered Bambie right under my damn nose. “I was thinking, maybe you could do that again. I just need one more chance with her. I won’t screw it up twice, I promise. But maybe if you can’t, if you think her and Luc are a better match –you’d be wrong– but if youinsist, then maybe you could just watch over her, make sure she’s okay, strike him down with lightning if he doesn’t treat her right. Or, you know, strike him down just for funsies. Either works for me. Do you think you could do that?”

My eyes shoot up to the sky. “I don’t see any rainbows, Steph.” I look to the left and try not to suffocate under the disappointment. “No firetrucks in the street.” Patting my pocket, I lean back to fish the box out. “I have her ring here, Stephy. I’ve been carrying this damn thing around with me for months. Give us two friggin minutes alone and I’ll beg her. Send a bird down to nip at Annie’s ass, and I’ll ask Bambie to marry me today. Luc be damned. I’ll fight him for her. He’s a pussy. I’m a world champion. I could beat him, and I’d only feel a little bit bad about it.”

I look around. I look into the trees above. I turn and look over my shoulder in search of Annie.

Nothing.

There was a tiny sliver of hope inside my heart that Steph would be sneaky again, that she’d deliver Britt right under my nose.

But not this time.

No Bambie.

No rainbows.

Just my dog sitting all alone fifteen feet from where I sit. She faces the tree lined road and thumps the grass with her tail.

But no Britt.

47

JACK

STEPPIN’ OUT

“Uncle Jack! Open your door.”

I throw my remote down onto the couch and sigh.

No, I don’t think I will open my door.

I’m quite happy here in my bubble of pathetic unhappiness. It’s exhausting pretending that I’m okay. It’s exhausting sitting at my sister’s dining table, smiling, pretending, trying to ease their terrified thoughts that I might go back to being the horrible version of me.

I smile. I joke. But Iwantto cry.

“If you don’t open up soon, Aunt Tink said she would come over and that you wouldn’t like that.”

Fuck no. That would be the worst.

“Go away, Smalls.”

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