Page 143 of Finding Hope

“So… How are you this week?”

I’m so dumb. I ask questions every time, yet the silence greets me.

“I wish we could communicate with people who’ve passed. It would be cool to have some questions answered.”

I pick blades of grass and twist them between my fingers like I do every week while I think. “Questions like, how did you make Jack fall in love with you? Whatexactlyearned his undying love?” I clear my throat nervously. “Because I could do with some tips.”

My stomach flip-flops today like it did the first time I ever visited here. I tend to come weekly, and we’ve formed somewhat of a one-sided friendship.

I tell her about myself, about how Jack’s doing, about all of her nieces and nephews. I told her about Evie fighting in school, and how Bean, who’s normally so loud and charismatic, seems so down lately.

I’ve kept a close eye on things. I’ve wondered a million times if she’s being picked on, but I can’t find any evidence.

My discussions with Steph are usually just catching her up on things and wishing she could talk back. Sometimes my words go deeper. Sometimes I tell her how I feel about Jack.

I even confess that maybe I like him more than I should. More than he likes me.

I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman, I’m not a teenager, yet my newfound insecurities are reminiscent of typical teenage years.

Notmyteenage years. I was as cocky as my brothers. But a regular high-schooler’s years.

Today, my visit runs deeper. Today, I need to brace myself, because she’s my confessional, and I’m the sinner.

“So, I told you ages ago that Jack and I are just… well, we’re just seeing each other. You’re his forever. You were his destiny.” I groan. “Jesus, that sounds cheesy. You know what I mean though, right? You were his childhood sweetheart.” I study her headstone as my heart throbs painfully. “I think I fell in love with your boyfriend, Steph. And it hurts.”

Annie’s ears twitch against the soft breeze. “It hurts that I’m petting your dog. I’m dating your boyfriend. I’m falling in love with your family. I’m simply filling the gap you left behind, and it never used to hurtbecause I’m notthatgirl. I’m just me, and we were just having fun. But now it hurts.

“He’s been away this week, and pictures of him and another girl are all over internet. I’m not jealous of her. I trust him. But… I’m jealous of you. The whole world knows you as his. Jack and Steph. Romeo and Juliet. His Juliet tragically died, and now I’m just the replacement.

“I want him to think of me at least half as much as he thinks of you. I want him to love me at least half as much as he loves you. And, I dunno… he probably does think of me, he might even love me someday, but it won’t be the way he loves you.

“I promised you I wouldn’t do this. I promised myself!” Disappointment washes through my chest. “But somewhere along the way, my heart got involved. At first it was a nice feeling. A soft, gooey, nauseated feeling, but it was nice. It felt good. But now it just hurts, like I swallowed razor blades. I can’t compete with you, Steph.”

The defeat that knowledge brings sits deep in my bones.

“I don’t expect him to love me back. Not really. How could he? You weretakenfrom him. You didn’t break up. You werestolen, and I know that if you were still here, you’d still be together.”

I shake my head, horrified as a fat tear escapes my eyes. I don’t even know who I’m crying for; her, or me? Or maybe Jack.

“I can’t be you, Steph. I wish I could bring you back, because believe it or not, jealousy aside, I kinda like you. Jack’s family talk about you as if you’re still here. You’re still living and breathing in their hearts, especially the kids’, and I know you were good for him.

“I can’t be you, and sometimes, especially now,” I swipe a second ridiculous tear away, “sometimes I wish I never met him. He’s a good man. He’s the best. My life is definitely better for knowing him, but damn, it hurts. If I never met him, maybe I’d be dating someone like Brad. He’s a fucking bore, probably terrible in bed, but he seems to like me. At least I wouldn’t be competing for attention, ya know?”

I smile and attempt to pull myself together as Annie rolls over to sun her other side. I’m not a crier. I’ve never been a crier.

I’m embarrassed with myself.

“So, I guess I’m stuck for now. Because I know he likes me, too. Love? No. But, like? Definitely. For as long as he likes me, I’m not going anywhere. Half of him is better than none, you know?” A soft laugh escapes me. “I know you know. You had him. Any smart girl would take whatever portion of himself he chooses to give. So, I guess I’ll just continue to love him silently. The little engine that could, huh? I can tryand give him something back, something your absence took from him, and maybe I could hope, if not for his love, then maybe for your approval? I guess that would be enough for me.”

I swipe a finger across my eye.

“Maybe you could give me a sign? I don’t know what, and I don’t know how that actually works. The only person I know who died, my grandma, well I asked her to make the lights flicker one time. I wanted to know if dead people took requests. She didn’t…” I roll my eyes. “But maybe you love Jack more than my grandma loved me, or maybe it doesn’t work like that at all. But I’ll keep watch, anyway. If you could try and find a way to let me know you approve, I’d be forever grateful.”

It’s the most I can hope for.

I feel awkward, like a guest that overstayed her welcome. Pushing Annie’s head off my lap, I stand, but squat down in front of her headstone.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry you’re not here anymore. I think I even love Jack enough that, if you were here, I’d step aside and not be bitter about it. You’re the best fit for him.”

---