Page 144 of Finding Hope

I feel bad for lying, but saying the words out loud help my own conscience. If I was telling the truth, I’d admit to wishing she was here so I could compete with a real, living, breathing person. I’m not one to shy away from competition – I thrive on it – but I can’t compete with this.

I can’t compete with romanticized memories.

Steph will forever be immortalized and remembered as young and beautiful and perfect.

“I’m sorry, but don’t worry, my heart won’t get in between you and me. I’ll be back next week.”

Standing quickly, I wander away from her resting place and follow behind Annie’s sure steps. I can’t linger with her this week. I’m both eager and dreading Jack’s homecoming.

I want to see him. I want to feel him, smell him, be the recipient of his beautiful half-dimpled smiles.

But I’m tired of competing.

I follow Annie through the lush gardens and soak in the warm sun. It’s still early, and I have an hour before I have to be at school. Enough time to pick up her poop, take her home and feed her, then go to work.

We walk for a couple minutes, and I note the obvious differences between this side of the cemetery, and the side Steph is buried.

Hers is all lush green grass, tall headstones, photos, gifts, manicured gardens.

This side seems darker, lonelier…Poorer.

Annie approaches a headstone so obviously different to all the others surrounding it, then stops and lies down with a grunt.

Stopping and reading the engraved name, a new bout of tears push to the surface. Jack and Kit’s dad. His age – forty-seven years old – hits me square in the stomach.

So young.

Both Jack and I are already halfway there.

Faking a smile, I kneel down and scratch Annie’s back. “You came to see your grandpa?”

She sighs deeply, and blows the flowers in front of his headstone with the force of her breath.

I don’t know this man, but I know his kids. I know they’re amazing. So I give Annie five minutes to talk with him, then when her eyes close for too long and she begins to snore, I laugh and tap her bottom. “Let’s go, girl. It’s time for school.” I turn back to the headstone. “It was nice to meet you, Mr. Reilly. I’ll stop by here to say hey next week.”

Jack:We’re leaving in about an hour. I can’t wait to see you, Bambie.

I smile at my text. Bleeding heart or not, he makes me happy.

Me:Safe flight. I’ll see you in a few hours.

Jack:Sleep in my bed tonight? I need to see you today, not tomorrow.

Me:Kit and Bobby won’t mind that I’m in their house?

Jack:Definitely not. Ask one of the girls to let you in. We have a car organized to bring us home from the airport, so I’ll just climb into bed with you as soon as we get there.

Me:You sure you don’t want me to pick you up?

Jack:It’s already organized. But thanks. Just be in my bed, I’ll do the rest.

Heat pools in my belly.

Me:…what will you do?

Jack:I’ll surprise you. But maybe don’t wear panties.

Me:So I won’t even pretend to play hard to get?

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