Page 202 of Finding Hope

“It’s not my place to ask after her anymore, Steph.”

My head snaps up at the voice, athisvoice, and has me freezing in place.

Staring at his back in silence, I study his broad back, his thick neck, wide ribs, then the way his body narrows at the waist.

Sitting on the grass in front of Steph the way I’ve done a million times before, I watch his shoulders ripple through his dark shirt. I don’t know what he’s doing with his hands, I can’t see, maybe he’s simply wringing them together, but something causes his shoulder blades to move rhythmically.

Dark as night, Annie lies spread out, leaning against his back. Her ears twitch. Her tongue lolls. And her feet do the running man in the air.

Is she dreaming of the field of flowers, too?

Frozen in place, unwilling to make my presence known, I stand in the sun and hold my breath.

I’m a terrible person, an awful, eavesdropping human being, but seeing him has my heart beating fast and my stomach rolling both good and bad.

I’ve missed himsodamn much, I’ll even watch him talk to his late girlfriend.

It’s better than nothing.

A month ago, this would’ve hurt me. I would’ve thought up a thousand reasons why he chooses her and not me.

Not anymore.

I can’t compete with a ghost. We were never meant to compete.

I should leave. I should give him privacy.

46

JACK

CONFESSIONS

“I’ve got way too much spare time, Steph.” I roll Bambie’s bracelet between my hands. “Waytoo much. I drive by her house; I just wanna know that she’s safe, you know? I drive by the station, because making sure Alex is well somehow assures me she is, too. I go to the club just to see Scotch. He pisses me off more often than not, but I go, anyway. Even the smell of booze in the air is nothing compared to what I feel for her. Then I see Luc… I’m so fucking jealous of Luc I wanna puke, but the fact they see her daily brings me back every night. They see her, so now they’re my only connection to her.”

I sigh at the way things have gone. We shouldn’t have ended the way we did. We shouldn’t have ended at all!

I love her.

She loves me, too. I know she does. She couldn’t have faked our connection.

Rolling to her back behind me, Annie suns her belly and kicks me in the ribs.

“I can’t even call her, Steph. It’s not my place. But fuck, Iwantto. She’s happy, right? You’d know, wouldn’t you? She has Luc and the guys. She’s safe, and you’d tell me if she was unhappy.”

I sigh. “I’ve been good, though. Strong. I promise. I haven’t been drinking, and I’m not even a total asshole all the time.” I laugh under my breath. “Well. Mostly. The guys would probably tell you different. Mostly I’m just keeping my head down. Trying my best to be a good brother, agood uncle. I still have a lot of making up to do for what I did to them after you left.”

I glance down at my hands, roll the silver chain and watch the jewels sparkle in the sun. I lift it with my good hand. “At least I have this, right? I might use this as an excuse to go over, say hi. Look into her pretty eyes. Ask her to marry me.” I laugh again. “Do you think if I begged, really, truly, dropped-to-my-knees begged, she might dump Luc like a rotten potato and ride off into the sunset with me? No? Maybe.”

I wish.

I’d give just about anything to have her in my arms again, to dance in the rain, to have her whisper her secrets into my ear, to play with her soft hair.

“I can’t find the off switch, Steph. I’ve tried, I really have, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I can’t stop the way my heart craves her. I love her. I love her so fucking much it hurts, but stealing her away from her boyfriend would only hurther. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t hurt her anymore.

“I know why we didn’t work,” I continue quietly. My words are so quiet, I can barely hear them over the chatter of birds in the trees. “She’s not meant for someone like me. She’s too…free. A wild spirit. Not for me.”Luc. Fucking Luc.“Not for him, either, just so you know.” I laugh.

It hurts my chest to laugh. I don’t feel like doing it, but if I don’t laugh, I might cry. I can’t break any more.

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