Page 146 of Finding Hope

She looks exactly like she did before she was hurt – her freckles stand out on her pale skin, her hair still wild and curly.

Untamable.

She bought a hair straightener once; expensive as fuck, something NASA invented, no doubt. She spent hours in the bathroom and straightened the wild curls until they sat perfectly sleek and touched her ass.

It took her the better part of two hours, burned spots on her scalp, andseveral hurt fingers to achieve the result. We were going out to a fancy dinner, our fifth year anniversary. She wore a fire-engine-red dress that complemented the red hues in her hair, and high heels that actually brought her up to my chin and made her legs look amazing.

It wasn’ther, at all. But she was stunning, nonetheless.

It was raining that day, and though I covered her from door to door – I held up her umbrella, I didn’t let a single drop land on her hair – the moisture in the air still had her curls springing back to normal before we reached the restaurant.

She was devastated.

I told her a million times that I liked her hair exactly the way it was, but she said she wanted to impress me. She wanted to stack up to the women who beg for my attention at fights and in the public.

She never had to worry.

She was the only woman I ever saw. I was never tempted by anyone else.

Not once.

The straightener was never turned on again after that day. It sits in my bathroom cabinet even now, thrown in the back, buried under stacks of razors and shampoo bottles.

Like my feet are stuck in cement shoes, I remain by the Rav and watch her walk toward me. I know this is a dream, I’m conscious of the fact, but still, my smile can’t be wiped away.

This is the first time I’ve seen her in so long, and my memories have let me down. Her perfection, her beauty, it’s all fading.

Just like I know this is a dream, I also know of Bambie’s existence, and knowing that while being face to face with Steph doesn’t hurt nearly as much as I expected it would.

“You didn’t come and see me this week.”

I take her in my arms and pull her against my chest the way we have a billion times in the past. “I was away.” I press a kiss to her cheek and let her step back. “But I thought of you. I was gonna come see you tomorrow.”

Resting against the Rav beside me, she mirrors my stance and grins playfully. “It’s okay. You wanted to come home to see your Bambie, huh?”

I nod. “I missed her so much, Steph. I had to come see her first.”

Smiling, she looks me up and down the same way I study her. “You look good. Much better than last year.”

Scoffing, I throw an arm over her shoulder and hold her close. I knowthis is a dream, but I’m still happy to see her. She was my best friend for a long time.

“She helped me, Steph. She saved me.”

“Yeah. I know.”

I glance down into light green eyes. “Did you send her to me?”

“Nah,” she giggles. “This isn’t me. This was you. You earned her.”

“What would’ve happened if you didn’t get hurt? Would I have had to choose?”

“I don’t know the answer to that.” She wraps her arm around my stomach. “But Iwashurt. I’m not here, so you don’t have to choose.”

“I feel guilty. Because I’m glad I don’t have to choose. Isn’t that basically the same thing as being glad you’re not here anymore?”

She shakes her head and snuggles in close. “What happened wasn’t your fault, Jack. Everything that’s happened… it doesn’t have to be mutually inclusive. You don’t have to mash it all together and make it live in harmony. It doesn’t have to all be… one. It just is. I’m not here anymore, and that sucks, but it’s our reality now. And sheishere, and so are you, so that’s okay. It’s okay to be happy. I loved you so much, I’m just happy that you’re happy.”

Standing in companionable silence, like friends who’ve been separated for a year, we study each other. I can count the number of freckles on her nose; I have a million times before. I can recall the exact shades of brown and blonde and red in her hair.

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