Page 36 of Broken By It

Except, that isn’t the only reason I’m broken. One thing I learned in the moments of terror that this may be my end I realized I have family, but I have lost love. I am surrounded by people who love me, don’t get it wrong. I know I am treasured, valued, cherished, appreciated, and accepted by my family.

What I don’t have is a partner. There was a time where I thought my first experience with love broke me. In some ways, it did. I would say it cracked the surface of my heart. The easy trust of a first love is never something anyone can get back. The vulnerability given the first time can never be shared with another. In some ways I wasted that precious gift by falling so hard when I was young. It’s more than that though, I’m broken by a lifestyle. If it isn’t my father generally being intimidating which scares potentially suitors off, it’s my sister or someone else in my family. After being shot, having time to reflect, I can’t say that is the truth.

The reality is I’m broken to the point I am not open to be loved. I’ve dated over the years but it’s easy to pick the menapart. None of them compare when I see so much love and passion around me on a regular basis.

I want love like my parents, Tripp and Doll, Boomer and Pami, Tank and Sass, and all these people who through every up and down they ride that shit out together. I don’t know that I will ever have it. I’m attached to a man who has a complicated life as both a Hellion and a father. A man I can’t have. And for whatever reason, I can’t let go of even though I know I can never allow us to be anything more than we are.

If by some miracle, I could find a suitable companion, things have changed for me in a way that can’t be fixed. The future I once saw for myself is no more. The damage to my abdomen left me with a lot of scar tissue internally. Scar tissue that will only thicken as time goes on. In order to stop the bleeding, not only did they take part of my intestine, but I had one ovary removed. My ability to get pregnant and carry a child is no longer a simple thing.

That cuts me the deepest. I have always wanted kids. Three to be exact. To know the limitations I now face is daunting to my dreams.

I feel like this ridiculous mix of confident and insecure. It makes no sense, and I can’t seem to sort myself out.

I may be broken, but I also know I’m more than the damage to my body and spirit.

I am strong, resilient, kind, compassionate, loyal, intelligent, driven, and so many other things.

I can stand still in confidence of the woman I am.

But there is a piece of me lacking.

Companionship.

I crave a partner. The older I get the more I want to build a life with someone at my side. Thirty isn’t too far away. While I didn’t necessarily see myself being married young, I had expected love to find me by now. The more I analyze myself, themore I can see I haven’t been open to it. How can I change that especially now?

I always daydreamed of a future with a husband, three kids, and a dog, maybe even a cat. I like odd numbers; Mariella always laughs when I say I want three to five kids as if four simply doesn’t exist. I don’t know why I prefer odd numbers, I always have though.

“I meant it,” Dillon says taking me out of my thoughts.

“What’s that?” I ask while I feel my heartbeat quicken because I have a feeling I know exactly what he’s talking about.

“In Florida, when I came in the room before they put you under. I told you; I love you, Maritza.”

I sit here with his eyes locked to mine, speechless. Normally, I can talk about anything with anyone. How do I dissect this?

“Your smile it brightens every room. You have compassion for everyone, including Anna who never did a thing to earn your support. You are fuckin’ smart. I’ve never known someone who can do math so fast. You’re beautiful,” he whispers the last part leaning in closer to me, “it’s more than all that. It’s what lies behind your eyes. Mystery, intrigue, passion, and so much more.”

I lick my lips in anticipation. His breath comes down on my face as his lips press to mine. I lean into it as his free hand lifts from my thigh to the back of my neck pulling me in. I open and his tongue invades dancing with mine in a beautiful way. The kiss is soft yet firm, giving and taking, we are perfectly in sync.

Far too quickly for my liking, he pulls away. I take a deep breath as his gaze intensifies. “I want this, Maritza.”

I bite my bottom lip. What can I say? I want this. God, I want this man. The doubt creeps in though, is this about guilt.

“Dillon, you don’t owe me anything. What happened with Anna, I wouldn’t change it to keep Hollis safe.” I try to explain. “Emotions are high right now. You lost your wife-,”

He cuts me off putting a finger to my lips. “My ex-wife. Anna and I were divorced long before she was killed.” Dropping his fingers, he twists to put his beer on the small table beside this outdoor couch we are currently sitting on. “I remember your call. Fuckin’ had me rock hard and no release in sight. Being around you is the best part of every damn day, even if it’s just a minute. Had history with Anna, but that shit was over before I ever even had a thought of being a Hellion.”

Tears begin to fill my eyes. Doubt consumes me no matter what he says. “I don’t think it’s wise to make decisions in a time of mourning.”

He throws his head back laughing. “Baby, you’re cute. You know better than anyone I’m not mourning Anna for any reason other than she is my son’s mother and what he may or may not feel. But you’ve been here, and he hasn’t cried once since the memorial. He said goodbye and he’s made peace. I promise you with everything I am, as for grief over Anna, I have none lingering.”

I raise my eyebrow.

“Damn, Maritza. Circle of life. We all gotta die one day. If I die tomorrow, I just need to know Hollis is taken care of. I’m at peace with it. While unexpected, it was Anna’s time to go. I’m not making some emotional decision. Did that shit, it’s how I ended up married at eighteen.”

“You make everything so black and white.” I challenge.

He reaches out to cup my chin in his broad hand running his thumb over the side of my jaw. “I know what I want. There isn’t a reason to beat around the bush. I can’t say it will be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. And maybe this shit between us, it doesn’t work, but I can’t spend another day wondering what if.”

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