Page 14 of Broken By It

This is family and I won’t take that away from Hollis no matter what Anna says or threatens me with.

FIVE

MARITZA

ONE YEAR LATER

“You rest,I’ve got the office today. Mariella is here.” I try to reassure her.

My mother simply nods as she fights to keep her eyes open. I know it kills her to face this new reality. Treatment days are exhausting. The day after is even worse. Yesterday, she spent her day getting pumped full of the medication currently keeping the cancer at bay. It literally zaps every ounce of energy from her body. The more the medication fills her veins and works through her system, the more energy seems to vanish. The littlest of tasks is monumental, and I hate watching her struggle. I wish I could take her pain away. If I could trade places with her I would. Life doesn’t work that way, however. For now, I’ll do what I can which is go to work in her place.

Mariella has always had a room at my condo. Last year, she was home on weekends from school and would crash between my place and our parents. As mom’s health has become more challenging, she switched to online college, as did I. At first, she lived at home. Knowing the changes we have made since her diagnosis; it was making mom feel guilty having her live there. Our mom struggles the most with the guilt that she is somehow holding any of us back. She isn’t. Family comes beforeeverything. To ease the burden our mother felt about Mariella moving back home from school we decided this was a great compromise. Now, we live together in my condo, and balance working, school, alongside helping our father care for our mother. The days are long, but worth it to do anything we can for our mother.

Our little brother, RJ, Ruben Jr is stationed up north with the Navy. I know he would be here and help if he could. Serving our country has been his lifelong dream and my mother was adamant her diagnosis not stop any of us from following our dreams. RJ has wanted nothing more than to be in the Navy since he was a little boy. There was a time we didn’t think he would enlist. With mom’s diagnosis, he wants to be here with us too. It took some convincing on all of our parts, but he did follow his plans. We are all proud of him, but our mother exceptionally so.

To some, it’s a sacrifice, the changes Mariella and I have made. To us, there isn’t a single moment of any of this we won’t be by her side for. She isn’t giving up and neither are we.

It’s hard as a caregiver to watch a loved one change as a disease takes over. My mother looks small in her bed. The therapy has caused her hair loss, weight loss, and overall fatigue. I can only imagine what runs through her head as she fights to keep her life. She remains positive even as she lost her hair, then her curves, and some days the entire day to being asleep. I know it frustrates her, especially when she can’t seem to keep herself awake.

The hardest part for me and my sister was watching her struggle. Losing her hair will forever stand out to both of us. I remember as a kid watching her braid her long, dark hair before bed every night. She would then braid mine and my sister’s. Here she is with her naked head against the satin pillowcase, and I can’t help but miss seeing her braid. Her eyes hidden by herclosed eyelids as her breathing evens out she has at least found a moment of peace in her slumber. Knowing she is asleep and not wishing to disturb her, I blow her a quiet kiss and head out.

Getting in to work, I turn the open sign on and smile as I sit behind my desk gazing at the most recent picture of Hollis from his new preschool. Another milestone and this one is proving to challenge me. I miss having him here with me. That said, there are still days Anna drops him off since he is only part-time for school. I’m happy to have any time with him I can. Hollis Jacoby is my little work partner. He makes me laugh and smile. There is nothing better than getting to experience life through the eyes of a child. He is a rambunctious four-year-old that absorbs life and knowledge like a sponge. Two days a week, they have full days, and I typically don’t get to see him on those Tuesdays and Thursdays. The t-days as we call them are the hard ones. They always seem to drag on without him here. On the other weekdays, he is at school until noon. Those days, Anna drops him off after school or she will call me to go pick him up.

I don’t mind. In fact, when I pick him up, it’s our thing to swing into the smoothie shop for a treat.

He's a good eater. He picks his strawberry banana smoothie over a milkshake most days. No matter what I make for dinner, he’s always game to try something new too. Yeah, that happens at least once sometimes twice a week, the smoothie treats. It’s this little slice of happiness for me too. The joy and excitement to watch things through Hollis’s eyes. Kids are amazing like that. He has my heart and there isn’t anything I won’t do for that boy.

We have this little system, me and Hollis’s parents. The garage is busy which means Dillon has some nights where he is working late. On those days, I take Hollis home with me, we have dinner, and when Dillon picks him up, I send food home for him and Anna to eat. Anna has the option to pick him up, obviously, he is her son. She usually doesn’t though.

Recently, I noticed Dillon doesn’t take the food home. It used to be a thing, and Anna would text me after they ate to tell me she liked it or just to say thank you. I still offer, but when Dillon declines, I don’t push. I haven’t asked questions, but the little things I’ve gathered from Anna, their home life is under some pressure. I don’t pry, it isn’t my place. Allowing Anna the space to share is all I do. Even as she vents her frustrations, I don’t engage in negative talk about Dillon or even about her. She can be negative in her own self-thoughts and self-talks, I’m not here to add to it. That doesn’t help anything or anyone. We women are cruel enough to ourselves in our mere thoughts, much less when we open our mouths. She is going through something inside herself, that much I do know.

Dillon Jacoby is a man of few words. I have learned he doesn’t like to let anything get deep. I don’t know much about his childhood because he doesn’t share. I have met his cousins he grew up with because the Jacoby brothers come visit and occasionally do work for the Hellions. I am only privy to that bit of information since I do the accounting for the club and have to cut the checks for on the book’s jobs. Outside of Hollis, and the handful of occasions being around his cousins is really the only time it seems Dillon lets his guard down. I don’t know much about his family beyond these few people.

We all love and accept him as a Hellion, but for whatever reason, his personal life with Anna stays away from the club. I’m not sure if it’s her choice or his. It’s strange to me. Once a brother patches in, his family is our family. I know Anna is misunderstood a lot, though, and maybe she doesn’t feel like she fits in. Granted, she hasn’t been around enough to really give it a shot.

Dillon gets frustrated that Anna leaves Hollis here and enrolled him in preschool. I’m not sure of their real home dynamic. I think or sort of assume that maybe he wants her to bea stay-at-home mom. Or maybe she thinks that is what he wants from her. I’m not sure because he has never said he expects her to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. I know she has said in the beginning that is what she wanted to have a baby with Dillon and be a homemaker. Now, though, I think she isn’t so sure about what she wants. As a woman, I understand the need to feel like more than a mom. I think to some degree she doesn’t know what she wants from herself much less her marriage. While I don’t have children of my own, I get the impression from Anna that she’s lost. Like Dillon, she doesn’t share much, but there is a sadness in her eyes that I long to fix. I know they love each other or at least once did. What goes on behind closed doors is obviously their business, but I do wish they could find a way to be happy with each other or without. Right now, though, they are both pretty miserable.

When I was younger, my parents separated for a time. I remember hearing them talk, even though I was supposed to be asleep. My dad was telling my mom they were two ships passing in the sea. Things were routine without connection. At the time, I didn’t understand. Being older now, truly taking in the way my dad engages my mom, I see the difference. Before it was a challenge each day, they had things going on, a house to keep up, and us kids to wrangle. There were a lot of distractions that easily take away from the spark, love, and passion that once thrived. I imagine marriage is hard. Marriage with kids is probably harder. My parents overcame that hard season and maybe Dillon and Anna will too.

Marriage is serious. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it. Granted, I haven’t found anyone I can really be myself with. I’m learning that the older I get. As a teen, attraction, lust fueled what started a relationship. Now, I want someone who will engage my mind, my spirit, and cherish me soul deep. Only when I can find thislevel of connection will I be able to consider a commitment such as marriage or a partnership.

Two become one and I’m not sure many make those vows understanding the true level of commitment and sacrifice that means.

Two become one. Three words with a powerful impact.

In order for that to be, one must release of their own desires and think of someone else first. We are human, we are flawed, and most of us are selfish. It’s not a bad thing, it just is. Too many times, human nature is to get caught up in the happy emotions, the euphoria of love, and we are blind to the real compromises needed to build a solid, lasting foundation.

I’m taken away from my thoughts as a man walks in. He’s clean shaven, wearing a pair of navy-blue dress pants with a sky-blue button up shirt, finished with a navy tie. I assume he’s on his way to work.

“Hi, how can I help you today?” I greet him.

“Does Dillon Jacoby work here?” He asks and I can’t help my curiosity.

I study the man in the suit. There is something about him. He makes me think of a snake waiting to strike. “I’m sorry, I can’t confirm or deny any of our employees. What does this pertain to, and I can potentially get a message to Mr. Jacoby.”

He reaches to his back pocket, pulling out a wallet, and removing a business card. Extending his hand to me, I take the paper. “I am here on a legal matter concerning his spouse, Anna Jacoby.”

Hesitating, I don’t know if I should get Dillon or send the man packing. If I was married and an attorney (according to his business card) is standing at my place of employment, I would want someone to call me.

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