Page 54 of Born in the Spring

“And when I said you deserve to be happy again, I didn’t mean with him. And when Isaiddo something that scares you, I meant—”

“Thisdoesscare me.” I spin on her with my raised voice, an echo in the space that shakes her stern stance, widening her eyes and dulling the sharp corners of her mouth. “Trying to actuallymove forward. Dating again.Startingover. Trying to make afuturewith someone else. And I don’t want a spotlight on it. And Shepherd Cassidy’swidowedgirlfriendwould have one.”

I gasp in a breath, my voice breaking, as I realize she’s never seen me snap off like this. And I never wanted her to. I never wanted anybody to. I’m a poster child for calm and collected, for quieting my own feelings, for being a source of stability in the midst of chaos, living inside pieces of masking tape.

And I still try not to let the fresh tears from my own chaos fall and ruin my mascara. The heat rising to my cheeks tells me my face is already flushed enough.

“Because I’m part of the media frenzy,” Vanessa says as another mocking, this time at my implication I couldn’t trust her, with an underlying hurt. “And the spotlight would be on it eventually, and everyone, and I meaneveryone, will still findout.”

“Well, they can find out on my terms.” I round the table and grab my purse off the couch, ready to leave, the space getting smaller the longer I’m in hers.

“You actually didn’t tell me, or anyone else, because you know it’s not what you want.” Vanessa is closer to my back, pricking at me more. “And for the rest…you don’t have to do any of those things.” Her tone softens, and I sort through my purse, making sure I have everything I need to take with me. “You’ve been building a future with two men for the past six years.” I still again as her arms come around me, her hands on my hands, her voice right at my ear as she says even softer, “Your head chose Shepherd, but your heart chose Jasper.”

I sigh into her as the first tear rolls down my cheek. My legs give next, and I turn in time to drop onto the couch, my purse slipping from my grip and thudding to the table, my chaos spilling into my hands as I swipe at and hold my face. I close my eyes to Shepherd’s voice, to the memory of a time he questioned me about Jasper, right where I’m sitting.

“Do you like my brother?”

“What?” I shifted against his chest, a laugh in mine that stilled his breathing against my back, because the familiar question was simple, and my burst of further questioning made it complicated.

“Do you like Jasper?” he repeated, slower.

“Of course I like him.”

“Come on, Elara,” he pressed at my ear, and I tried to keep a smile through my rising defenses. “Do youlikehim?”

I angled my head to meet his waiting eyes, finding a worry there. I slid my fingers through the hair at his nape, pulling his mouth down to mine as I promised him, “Iloveyou.”

The cushion next to me dips, my back going rigid against the first touch of Vanessa’s hand before I sigh out of the past and into her again. “What did you expect to happen? Whether you’ve admitted your feelings or not, you know you have them, and you came back to him, and to this place, knowing his own love for you. And Shepherd is gone. . .” She trails with a firm press to my back, a comfort to the existence without his. “What did you expect to happen?” she asks again,morepressing for more answers.

“I don’t know,” I say as a plaint, my fingers rubbing into my forehead until I run them through my hair as I look up. “I don’t know,” I repeat, low, swiping again at a couple stray tears.

“You thought you could keep trying and failing to fool yourself even more?”

I scoff again. “Ouch.”

“And it’s Jasper.” Vanessa’s stress makes my heart pound over how he’s been with me since I’ve been back. How he touches me more and longer. The way he looks at me more and longer. Him pointing out how I’m doing those things too. Seeing through me. “That boy turnedmanhas always been a fighter for you. It became more subtle over the years, but he was always a fighter. And whenhefinds out. . .”

What did I expect to happen?

Jasper’s walked through my part in his guilt and I’m still standing on the coals of his part in mine.

“Shepherd wouldn’t want this,” I whisper through a clenched throat as I push away thelastmemory of him questioning me about his brother.

Vanessa sighs. “I’m sorry to say this but it’s not about what Shepherd wants anymore. He’s dead. He doesn’t care aboutany of this now.” Her hand touches my back in another comforting hold as I grimace at her bluntness I should expect. I’ve even said that word. “But you’re still alive. Jasper’s still alive. And you both deserve to live.”

I swipe at more tears, my fingers coming back stained black. “Amie would care.”

“Would she?” Her strong tone challenges my weak one as Amie again tries to convince me.

You’re a part of this family. Always.

“I don’t know everything you’re still carrying, but I know Jasper’s part of it. You need to let him in.”

I rub the evidence of my ruined mascara into my skin, pain in my throat.

“No one could blame you for loving both of them.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” I argue through another scoff, this one getting me up off the couch and my purse back in my hands.

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