Page 46 of Born in the Spring

Damien and Talia move into position to start the race. The space they leave for Shepherd in between them tightens my throat and Elara’s hold on my sweater, as she sees it too.

I slide my hand over hers, forcing myself to only pay attention to how her thumb wraps around mine for one longing heartbeat. One to feel this pulse between us that surges stronger every moment her eyes meet mine. Every day she’s near me. Every time she touches me. One to tell myself shehasto feel it too.

Because tonight’s about Shepherd. Not us. Not me and my seeking.

There’s still a wetness in her eyes when they blink up at me, but her smile, holding Mom’s same sentiment, gives my heart one more longing beat as she keeps her hand in mine to pull me along toward the crowd.I’m ready.

We meet back up with Mom, who’s standing with Court and Vanessa, who greet me and Elara respectively with a hug. And we all hang on to the comfort, even me and Court, who isn’t a hugger, and hasn’t hugged me since the funeral. Hisfingers press into my back as he squeezes me and everything around me goes blurry again.

When we part, Elara and Vanessa have parted too, and she and I line up beside Mom, with me back in the middle.

Murmurs fade out at the countdown from three, and at one, Damien and Talia shoot off, and the chanting begins.

Everyone had their one to root for, but tonight,Shepherdis the only name being chanted. It travels as a wave through the crowd, the electric energy he would want. And by the time it reaches us, his name being shouted toward the stars, Mom’s quiet sobs reach my ears, and I can’t swallow my own down. Not as I wrap my arm around her and hold her to my chest. Not as I catch Elara wiping at her face again. Not as I steal one of her hands and feel her cool palm warming against mine.

Time seems to slow down as my heart rate increases with panging beats against my ribs, at each increasing chant for my brother.

Damien and Talia are giving the race all they’ve got, fighting for the lead like they always have. Neck and neck, cruising closer to the finish line—

Shepherd’s ring lights up.

My lungs empty of all air as the chanting ebbs into small gasps around us, that one blue light bleeding out in my vision.

Mom releases a cry into her hands, and I realize I’m squeezing the life out of Elara’s, and though she’s squeezing back, I loosen my grip on her and tighten it around Mom, who lowers her hands with a watery smile on her face.

Then she laughs, wrapping both arms around me as her stare stays on that glowing ring, the sound echoing through the crowd, that now erupts into cheers.

It’s a commotion unlike any I’ve seen, and my mom’s criessound like relief, like this is everything she wants and everything she needs.

My own laugh shudders through breaths as I find them again, as Damien and Talia find their footing on their boards, having slowed when the ring lit up.

Talia’s ring lights up next as she flies through, Damien’s right after, and the crowd erupts even more.

There’s no explanation, but Mom doesn’t need one.

I look to Elara, still in my hold, knowing I’ll find one. And when her sad but sparkling eyes meet mine, she nods, drawing my attention to something small she reveals from her pocket that I see as a remote. She’s discreet, lifting it out enough just for me, knowing I’ll keep her secret.

Elara did this. For my mom. I didn’t even think of doing this for her. But she did.

I try to mouth a thank you, to give hersomething, but my mouth won’t even move. My heart pounds—begs—for hers as my love for her grows by a million, and all I want to do right now is kiss her. Say fuck it. Fuck everything, and pull her into me by her hand thathasn’t let go of mine, and make my boldest move.

My pulse thrums, like the one between our palms, as if to say she wouldn’t stop me.

And that’s what I would do…if tonight wasn’t for my brother.

If tonight wasn’t important to his memory.

If tonight wasn’t important to Mom—to all of us.

Ifno oneneeded me to screw it all up.

If no one needed to possibly see my heart break all over again.

That weak feeling returns to my legs, the knots inmy gut unyielding, and I just try to keep breathing through the flood. To not go overboard. To keep myself inside as the crowd starts to disperse as one, taking Mom and Elara with it, saving all of us from me, including Shepherd.

But I can’t save Shepherd.

Every word is a wave of nausea as I stare up at his glowing ring, blinking to keep it in focus. Bodies bump me into the background and walk on as I’m stuck here, plummeting, my insides in a constant tilting motion, as they were six months ago. I’m pushing forward and stumbling back. Fighting against feelings and fighting for them.

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