Page 26 of Born in the Spring

I always wanted to know everything Elara was thinking and feeling in her silence, especially moments like this, when I hand my heart to her, even just a piece, with only one sentence.

“I need us to be us,” she finally says, the words sighed through more of her worry. And I sigh too, almost forgetting what couch I’m still sitting on, as those words wash over that sliver of guilt, almost like permission to release it. Fromher. Like she’s telling me I can shut off his voice when it creeps up. That I don’t have to see his face when I look at hers. That we have our own history, and I don’t have to give that up. Becauseusis me being openly in love with her, while having an entire life with her planned out in my head, including all our real moments and all the in between ones I’ve imagined myself.

And I’ve got that life down.

I’ve also got her back.Don’t mess this up again.

“You got it,” I tell her, but the words still come out low, so low, as I now try to squash more feelings of unfairness, from the part ofusthat involves my brother, the part of me that only knew competition—still feeling like I have to compete even in his death. Waiting games to be picked, to be pickedfirst, to be the chosen one for things he was already chosen for.

That’swhat I let myself feel like an asshole for now—still wanting to stand in his spotlight even after his shine is gone.

I don’t want to take his place—I want my own, that I have because ofme—but I should still be allowed to chase that place, right?

I hate this. And I’m blaming being in here—what Idon’thave down—for making everything seem even moreconfusing. Maybe I don’t really know anything or really what to do.

I’m talking myself into a hole.

Why’d you have to die?I think toward the kitchen, where the shadow of Shepherd raises his beer to me. And I feel a pain in my lips that eases the one in my chest, and I realize I’ve leaned forward again, my hands fisted and pressed hard against my mouth.

“It’s okay.” Elara’s whisper sounds so close to my ear, a comfort feeling like more permission, releasing me completely from my thoughts as a sob stalls in my throat. Ihaven’t cried in a few months, and her presence helps me to swallow it down.

I blow a laugh into my hands, releasing the rest, letting myself have one more moment of this pain before I drop them. “I wasn’t being the best brother,” I say through a tight throat, too tight to swallow now, as my head takes me on another guilt trip. “If I cared more…been morealert…maybe—” My voice cuts off as Elara’s murmur cuts in.

“Youwerea good brother, Jasper. You did everything you could. Nothing is your fault.”

You’re going there again. It’s not your place to be,Mom’s voice says next, and I force my mind to grasp to both of them as I make another attempt to relax back against the couch.

I wasn’t the best brother, though, and I’m still not. But I can’t do anything for Shepherd anymore. I know that. But I can be a better friend, for Elara. And try to tone myself down some.

Because I also know what shereallyneeds is something steady. We all do. Not flighty people, like my father, or even her father, and especially not that random guy she was seeing. I know his name; I’m just going to pretend like I don’t.

Elara needsme, and I need her, and that’s not a bad thing.

“Nothing’s your fault, either,” I tell her back, knowing she needs to hear that again too, from where we are now, as us. Maybe she’ll believe it more for herself than I do for myself.

But I’m getting jumpy again, and I can’t be pushed backward anymore inside these walls.

“It’s still not you,” I say quickly as I stand, going with my impulse to move, and when I spin to face her, she’s already nodding as I ramble out more. “This isn’t like at the bench, and Icansee you, and you have to stay.” I run out of air with the plea, and in my pause, she assures me she will.

“I’m staying.”

“I just can’t be in here,” I finish after her two words give me breath. I’m going to keep retreating into my head the longer I am. I’m betterout there.

“It’s okay,” she says again. “I know.”

The understanding in her gaze takes me back to the main lodge, when she lowered her voice about moving in here, but I still heard her. “Is that why you tiptoed around me?” My voice is stronger as my own question soaks in, to me and then to her, remembering how that first sign of change stopped my movements as I had to strain to listen, and realizing that’s not a change I want. “That’s not us.”

“I’m sorry,” she sighs out, shaking her head against her hand as she pushes her hair back, shame pinkening her cheeks. “I don’t know why I did that.” She drops her arm over the back cushion. “I guess I had a feeling you still hadn’t. . .”

Been back in here.It’s a spot on feeling.

“I was surprised to see you at the door,” she adds with a corner of her mouth tipped up the slightest amount, which tips up both of mine.

“I was surprised to be there.” Until I sawherat the door. “Then I wasn’t so much,” I say, lower, holding her gaze until she blinks from mine, her cheeks pinkened more by a blush.

I said I’dtryto tone myself down some. But how can I when she still does that?

“Why didn’t you come back sooner?” I ask to that blush. Fuck what I did. Fuck my needing space. “You had to know I never wanted you to leave.”

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