Page 81 of Break Your Fall

“Or you and Tommy?”

Julian’s crossing a line. I feel the thumping again, the anger, gnawing at me with dull teeth, shallow but persistent enough to imprint my skin.

Anger toward Tommy.

But Julian’s the one here. He says my name like he just solved a puzzle. Then he clicks the piece into place.

“Don’t push him away because of what I did.”

I’m standing, the sudden movement causing my foot to kick the empty bottle into Julian’s shifting legs.

“Reyna, you and Tommy are not you and me. It’snotthe same.” Julian is urging, wanting me to see as if my eyes are still closed.

“I’mnottalking about this with you,” I call out over my shoulder as I continue to walk away from him.

I’m going after Banks for my refill to forget myself for a few hours.

Thomas

“I can’t do this.”

Reyna stumbles into the guest house and I hear the slur in her words right away. I spring up from the couch, catching her and the box in her hands before they both tumble to the floor.

The letters. She still hasn’t read them.

And she’s wasted.

“I can’t do it,” she says again, leaning into me as I lead her to the couch and set the box on the coffee table, smelling the alcohol on her breath and feeling the worry squeeze my gut as I try to guess how much she’s consumed. More than the night she drank here with me.

I sit across from her, on the table, her knees between my legs, and reach for her face, lifting her downcast stare to mine as I brush her hair from her cheeks that are shining with shed tears. More run from her eyes onto my hands as I catch the trails with my thumbs.

“Hey. . .” I trail off as her eyes squeeze shut. “Reyna. What happened?”

My hands catch more tears before her wet lashes finally blink at me. “I just wanted some courage,” she says through gaspy breaths. “I used to have it. All on my own. And now I’m just losing it, and what’s the point?” Her head shakes in my hands and her gaze falls to my lap. “I’ll just lose. I’m losing everything. I lose everything. I’m gonna lose—”

“Okay, no, hey,” I cut through her spiral, guiding her stare back to mine. “You’re not gonna lose this.” She pushes my hands off her face with a groan full of doubt and defeat, rejecting my assurance through her own rejected feelings. She’s beaten down, brought to her knees before she has the chance to move, muddled by mistrust and questions and alcohol.

“I’m gonna ruin it,” she whispers through more gasps. “He’s gonna regret me.”

My lungs empty of all air and I stop breathing at her words, the sorrow folding around each one. I reach for her again, pushing closer, her legs now brushing mine. She accepts my touch, but her tired, hazy eyes won’t hold mine.

“He’s not gonna regret you.” My words are soft but steady. “He regrets what he did to you. He regrets leaving you, and he wants you back.”

Her gaze finally lifts to mine, questioning how I can sound so sure, how I can know what her father’s been thinking, and I realize now why I had such an unrelenting need to go see him. That moment was for this moment. I had to hear his assurance as much as Reyna has to hear it here. I had to hear it from him so I could give it to her.

“You have to read the letters,” I say, guiding her thoughts to the box still on this table beside me. “You have to jump.”

Reyna blinks, something new flickering in the way she looks at me. I’m waiting for her to question my certainty, preparing my answer, when that look falls to my lips. My inhale is sharp as she leans forward, and I feel myself leaning back, away from her advance.

Holy shit.

My heart sinks, then kicks to life in my chest as I mentally beg to not be put in this position, while also thinking I’ve robbed myself.

Shit. Shit.

Reyna just tried to kiss me and I backed away. I never thought I’d do that. I never thought this would even happen.Did this just happen?I don’twantto do what I did. I just… This can’t…Shit.

We’re stuck in this moment, our mouths open, our chests heaving, her fingers digging into my shirt, my hands around her arms, my grip giving an impression that I wanted to stop this, that I don’t want her with everything inside of me. I’d never want to stop this if it was happening any other way or any other time.

---