Page 67 of Love You Always

I’ve been pacing on the sidewalk for the past hour, my stomach in knots, wondering how it’s going. And also thinking about what it means for the two of us if she can adopt a baby in the next few months or even weeks.

Walking back and forth on the same block, I’ve decided one thing for sure—no matter how much I love her, I can’t be the one to stand in the way of what she wants. She wants a baby. Which means she probably won’t want me, the man who can’t be a father.

I just can’t.

With my family obligations and work situation, I’d be exactly the kind of dad my own father was, and I refuse.

As I’m twisting my brain trying to come up with any other conclusion, the door to the skyscraper opens and Ella walks out.I can’t tell from her expression whether she’s happy or sad. She just looks…concerned.

I jog over to her and grab her shoulders in case she needs steadying. “How’d it go?”

Her expression doesn’t change. “Well, I guess. No, it went well. I think I’ll be able to adopt her.”

“That’s amazing. I’m so, so happy for you.” I pull her in for a hug but find her stiff instead of the usual way she melts against me. I want to be the guy who says the right thing. More than that, I want to be the one who does the right thing.

She backs out of my arms, still looking dazed.

“Hey,” I say, rubbing her arms. She feels cold. “What’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me?”

Ella shakes her head as though she’s knocking sense into it. She blinks a few times, but I’m not expecting what she says next.

“My lawyer says…there’s still a risk I could be denied as a single parent. It could work, but my past reputation…it could blow up. She actually asked if there was a chance I’d get back together with Callum and go through with the wedding.”

“Like hell you will.” My alpha male wants to beat his chest and stand on that asshole’s neck until it snaps.

“I know, it’s just…” Her brow creases, and it hits me.

The anguish on her face isn’t just disappointment. A part of her wonders if getting back with Callum is a good idea. She’s actually considering it. At least, that’s what I allow myself to believe.

My brain fills with conflicting thoughts, some about killing Callum for hurting her in the first place, but most of them about how I could be the hero in this scenario. Be the guy she needs.

Could I?

“Maybe there’s a way for me to help. We could get married. I could be the guy.” The words rush out before I have time to consider what I’m offering. Because I don’t just want to be a suit filler on a wedding day. I’d never want to be just that to her. ButI’m not sure I could be more. I know my limitations. I’m my father’s son, as he spent my life telling me, and I’d only be an absentee father like he was, given my responsibilities to Buttercup Hill and my family. Ella and her baby deserve better.

She gives me a closed-mouth smile that looks more sad than happy. “Archer, no. I don’t want you as just a stand-in husband in my plan. I’d want…more. With you, I’d want it all. And I know I can’t ask that.”

Ask it. Please ask.

My inner voice begs her to want me for more than a stand-in. Maybe knowing she sees me as capable of more would push me to… No. I can’t.

“I know,” I say, resigned.

“It wouldn’t be fair. We’re so new and we haven’t built enough of a foundation yet. There’s no way I’d ask you to take this on when I know it’s not what you want,” she says, tears filling the corners of her eyes.

She closes her eyes for a moment, but when they open, there’s a question behind them. An invitation? Here is where I should tell her I’ve changed my mind, that I do want to have kids, that everything I thought I knew about myself is wrong.

But is it?

So much of me just wants to hear her say that we should do this together. I need to know how she feels about me as a part of her future, as the father of as many children as she wants to have with me. Not just as any port in a storm who would give her adoption application the best hope of going through. I can’t be a placeholder.

I also don’t want to lose her, so I offer what I can.

“I know I love you. And I know I want to help you.”

“I’m not sure that’s reason enough?—"

I interrupt with a finger over her lips. “I could. Even if we don’t know where this is going, I could give you that bit of security to help the adoption go through. I want you to have whatyou’ve always dreamed of.” I almost want it more than I want my own happiness. Almost enough to push aside my fears.

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