Page 66 of Love You Always

Shaking myself back to the present, I plaster a smile on my face and try to push Archer from my mind. The idea of a tiny baby girl reels me in.

“I have so many questions. What can you tell me about the baby? Where is she? How old is she? I want to know everything.”

Cindy opens the folder and shuffles through the pages inside before she starts reading the details. “She’s four weeks old. She was dropped off at a Safe Surrender site at Alta Bates Hospital, as you know from your friend, and she’s currently in the care of a private, pre-adoption agency. I don’t have the identity of her parents because it was an anonymous surrender, but her mother left a family health history and she’s been examined by pediatricians. No health issues, no red flags. And she’s adorable.”

Cindy slides a photo over the surface of her desk, and I grasp it in my hands, staring down at the face of my future daughter.

“I mean, it’s not over until it’s over, but I don’t see anything on the horizon that gives me pause. Unless there’s something I don’t know, I can’t foresee any roadblocks to prevent this from happening.”

I realize I’ve been holding my breath while she said the lastpart, needing to hear the words, but also worried about what would happen if I added a roadblock she didn’t see coming. I let the air out slowly and summon my nerves.

“I have a question,” I begin, giving myself a moment to rethink the wisdom of asking it. I don’t need to rock the boat, do I?

“Sure. What’s that?”

“The elephant in the room… Is there a chance that I won’t be able to adopt if I’m doing it as a single parent? Be honest with me.”

Cindy’s mouth pulls down into a frown. “I wish I could say that it doesn’t matter. I wish I could say that perception is irrelevant, but I’ve seen things go south more than once. It’s not fair, but it is what it is. I wish I could offer you the guarantee I know you’re looking for.”

I twist my hands in my lap, unsure how to get out of the mess I’m in and coming up empty. “So…even though we’ve done everything right, there’s a chance I’ll be denied.”

“A chance. I’m not saying it’ll happen, but you should be prepared in case.”

Cindy blinks but not a muscle in her face moves. Her expression stays passive with a practiced indifference like a doctor forced to convey bad news. I fixate on her lashes sweeping down over her cheeks each time she blinks and wait for her to say something. Finally, her lips start moving.

“Is there a chance you might still marry him?” She’s as calm as if she’s asking if I want fries with my lunch order.

“I—no. I’ve actually been seeing someone else.”

She nods. “This would have been good information to know.” She sounds disappointed, but I can’t believe she’s actually serious. I’m tired of being judged over my dating choices.

“Okay, well, I’m telling you now,” I snap, feeling judged and defensive. After all the work I’ve done over the past year to get my old reputation behind me and paint a new picture of myself as a responsible future parent and all the happiness I feel in arelationship based around love, I don’t appreciate the implication that I’m doing something wrong.

She holds up a hand, still blinking. “I’m not saying you need to stay with the wrong man for the sake of the adoption. I’d never tell you that. And I’m on your side here. I just want to make sure we do everything right to give you the best possible chances.”

A breath chokes in my throat, and I realize how fragile I feel with my future in the hands of other people. I assess Cindy from where I sit, noticing her dark hair pulled tight into a clip at the nape of her neck. I don’t think she has to undergo quite the struggle I do to tame her hair into place. Her red blouse with its jaunty bow at the neck softens the austere look while still communicating power. I feel like an impostor in my navy suit, like someone from a movie wardrobe department dressed me up to look serious. My hands fist in my lap as I try to control my emotions.

“So you’re saying my chances of getting a court or adoption agency or whoever to approve me as an adoptive parent aren’t as good if I do it as a single parent?”

I already know the answer to this question. It’s why I’ve been so careful about my reputation for the past year. It’s why I overlooked red flags long before Callum cheated.

“All I’m saying is that I’ve seen it go the wrong way in the past. I don’t want that for you. If you really want to make this ironclad, don’t go in as a single parent. I’ve seen these things fall apart, and there’s been a lot written about your dating life that could be seen as unstable for a vulnerable child.”

I nod, my mind scrambling to come up with a plan for how to make everything work. “I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize my chances, not when there’s a baby girl who needs a mom. I want to be her mom—just from seeing that picture, I know it’s what I want.”

Cindy looks relieved, and I should feel the same way. But as Isign the paperwork she pushes my way, I can’t help feeling uneasy.

I know how Archer feels about having kids. He’s made it abundantly clear, and I’m not about to try to convince him he’s wrong when I understand where his fear comes from.

It seems crazy, though, when I see him with Fiona. He’s so great with her. He absolutely lights up like the favorite uncle he is, the man she knows him to be. It’s like she sees something he doesn’t—that he’d make the best dad in the world if he just allowed himself to try.

I have to at least talk to him about the possibility. Because maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance of him seeing it too.

CHAPTER 33

Archer

Lookingat my phone for the fifteenth time, I see no calls or texts from Ella. I’d give anything right now for an emoji. Anything.

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