Page 65 of Love You Always

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. “It’s so wild. I’m so glad I was here when I found out. There’s no one I’d rather share my news with. There’s a lot that still needs to happen, home visits and evaluations, and I think there’s a probationary period before the court will grant custody…I guess I’ll find out more tomorrow, but right now, it’s looking like I’m gonna be a mom.” Her shoulders go up and she gives me a small guilty smile like she’s watching a soap bubble, and she doesn’t want to move too abruptly lest it burst.

I open my arms, and she snuggles in. “Congratulations, princess. I’m really happy for you.” She nods against my chest, and I dip my face into her hair, inhaling everything I love about this moment—her safe in my arms, her sharing important news with me, her loving me the way I never thought I deserved.

When I exhale, I try to hang onto it a little while longer.

CHAPTER 32

Ella

“Areyou sure you don’t want company? Moral support? I won’t say a word. I’ll just sit there.” Archer sounds more nervous than I am, but I don’t stop to consider why that might be. I assume he’s just excited for me and doesn’t know how to help.

“No, I’m good. You’re sweet. Thank you.”

We drove to San Francisco together and now we’re sitting in Archer’s truck outside my lawyer’s office building. “I’ll just hang here, get a coffee or something. Then I can drive you back.”

“No, really. You were so nice to drive me all the way down here, but it’s the middle of the workday. Go back and take care of the piles on your desk. Tatum said she’ll meet me. She works nearby.”

Archer lingers, and I’m not sure what else to say. I don’t think he should come into the adoption meeting with me because I don’t want my lawyer to think I’m bouncing from one man to another. I told my lawyer on the downlow that I’m not goingthrough with the marriage to Callum and expressed my fears about how that will look, but she said we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Having Archer there will just complicate things.

“I’m staying.”

“Fine. I’ll see you after.”

I race down the hallway of Cindy’s office with a spilling cup of Starbucks in my hand, hoping I don’t slip on the shiny floors. Spoiler alert, it’s happened before. I’m wearing penny loafers and a navy-blue pencil skirt that ends well above my ankles, reducing my chances of getting tangled up in myself. My purse strap slides down the arm of my suit jacket as I run, so the purse whacks my thigh as I struggle not to drop the folder in my other hand or lose the coffee cup entirely.

In other words, I’m a hot mess heading into what feels like the most important meeting of my life. Forget auditions for starring roles or sit-downs with A-list producers. I don’t think I’ve wanted any of those meetings to go right as much as this one.

I know it’s just a meeting with my lawyer, and there’s no one there from the adoption courts to judge me, but I dressed up and tamed my hair into a low chignon as though I’ll be video recorded and assessed for parental fitness. I’ve been waiting too long for this opportunity to risk anything going wrong.

Yanking open the glass door to my lawyer’s office, I’m greeted by the receptionist, who acknowledges me with a tip of her head as she finishes a conversation on her headset. I wait at the waterfall desk, trying not to convey my nerves by tapping a finger on the slick, glass surface or shifting impatiently from one foot to the other.

Finally, she ends her call and smiles at me. “Ella Fieldstone,” I tell her. “I have an appointment with Cynthia Cannon.” She types information into her computer and nods at me.

“She’ll be right with you. Would you like some water? Coffee?”

I hold up my paper cup. “I’m good, thanks.”

Perching on the edge of a fuzzy couch covered in off-white boucle fabric, I peer at the display of magazines on a low marble table. They’ve been arranged in a fan, andTown and Countrymagazine happens to sit atop the pile. I flip through the issue but don’t really focus on any of the headlines or pictures. My hands need something to do, so I fan through it a second time, trying harder to take an interest in anything on the pages that shuffle by.

After what feels like three hours, Cindy breezes into the lobby and extends her arms toward me like I’m a long, lost cousin who survived passage on theTitanic. “Finally,” she says, backing away and holding my arms. “We’re there.”

“I still can’t believe it,” I tell her as we walk down the brightly lit hallway to her office. I barely notice the assistants’ cubicles and partners’ offices that we pass on the way to our destination, the large corner space at the end of the hallway. When I walk into Cindy’s office, I notice the spectacular view of the Golden Gate Bridge and feel grateful for her exorbitant hourly rate that affords her this vista. It’s all worth it if we really are “there.”

Cindy points to a chair, which is when I realize I’m still standing in the middle of her office, gawking at the landscape, as though I’ve never been here before. Or been anywhere. “Have a seat.” She goes around her desk to sit in her chair and looks up at me. “Ella?”

I move toward a chair and drop into it on a wobble that almost lands my ass on the floor. I have to steady myself with both arms of the gray wingback chair, and when I look over the desk at Cindy, I notice her grin. “Are you okay?” she asks.

“No, I’m really nervous.”

“That’s normal. But this is exciting, Ella. It’s going to happen.”

I nod, still in disbelief. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“I know. I know you have, and I’m so excited for you.” She takes a folder from the top of a stack on her immaculate woodpartner desk. On the side facing me, a vertical row of drawers with gleaming brass handles taunts me to slide them open just so I have something to do with my hands, but years of doing TV interviews have taught me to keep them in my lap. I inhale a cleansing breath and let it out like I do before every scene, which reminds me of the day Archer laughed at the face I make when I do it.

The moment Archer’s face enters my mind, I can’t shake it. The only thing that would make this moment better was if he were here with me. No, that’s not right. It’s not just his presence here in the room that I want. It’s his presence all the time.

Much as I’ve tried over the past few days, I can’t deny the fact that I wish it were the two of us getting ready to adopt a baby and start a life together.

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