Page 172 of Life of the Party

I didn’t realize how uptight I was until Riley pointed out my clenched fists in the car. I looked down at my lap and relaxed my hands, nervous. Each mile made my heart thud that much harder. I was afraid to be home, afraid to be back in town, afraid of the familiarity that would bring back much of my heartbreak. Afraid of the sights and sounds and smells that would make me want to use again.

Riley pulled the car up at the curb in front of my house. It was the same as always, but everything looked…different, somehow. Marcy and Blake’s black Jag was in the driveway. The snow was melting off the roof, dripping down the eavestrough. The sky above was still grey, but the wind had turned warm in classic chinook form.

“It looks like it might rain.” I noticed, staring up at the sky, trying to act casual, normal, though my heart was hammering away in my ribs. I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans and let out a shaky breath.

“Better than snow, anyway.” Riley looked up at the sky as well, playing along with me.

I stared at him a moment, suddenly overwhelmed. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Don’t cry Mac, please?”

“I’m sorry.” I sniffed. “I just wouldn’t have made it without you, you know?”

“Stay sober, and we’re even.” He smiled then, trying to lighten the mood. “Deal?”

I nodded, biting my lip to try and hold back the tears. This was still fairly new to me, having to deal with the pain. Before, whenever I hurt, for whatever reason, I would go and get high and solve all my problems. Now, I felt the full scorch of the pain burning my lungs, throbbing in my chest. There was nothing I could do but feel it.

“Come on, Mac. Your family’s waiting.”

Somehow, I managed to get out of the car, standing by helplessly as Riley grabbedmy suitcase from the trunk. He took my hand and led me up the walkway.

“You can do this, Mac. I believe in you.”

“Yeah.” There was no confidence in my voice. I focused on his hand around mine, trying to draw some strength from him, holding on to everything I could until the terrible moment when he left.

We stopped at the front door and Riley set my bag down on the stoop. I gazed up at him, into the eyes of my best and oldest friend.

“Goodbye, Mackenzie.” He managed a smile.

“Goodbye, Riley.” I choked out. The tears were coming, I couldn’t stop them. He stepped forward and grasped me into his arms, pulling me tight against his chest. I nestled in, sniffling, listening to his heart hammering loud beneath my ear.

The desperation of our embrace reminded me of graduation, when he left me the first time, when I’d clung to him, holding on to every last, final moment. I did so again. I shut my eyes and breathed him in.

“Fuck it,” Riley suddenly muttered under his breath. He pulled away, looking down into my eyes, clearing his throat. Nervous, determined.

“You know why I didn’t say it back? Why I didn’t tell you about that night?” He asked then, his hands squeezing my arms in earnest. “Because.” He breathed. “Because, it was too good to be true. It was everything I’d ever wanted, and when it actually happened…I was a coward.” Riley shut his eyes, falling silent, shaking his head in regret. “I didn’t tell you then. I didn’t tell you when I left last year. I’m not leaving again without you knowing.” He whispered, vehemently, pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you, Mackenzie Taylor. I’ve loved you forever. One word from you,” he promised, “and I’m not going anywhere.”

Then he kissed me.

It was light, and his touch was soft, and his sweet breath on my tongue was warm and familiar. With it, everything came rushing back. Everything we’d shared that night. Every emotion we’d poured into those few, stolen moments.

The desperate longing. The delight.

The love that crashed over us, pledged in every kiss.

When Riley pulled away from me I couldn’t fathom it. I just stood there, stunned into a stupor, blinking before me, reeling from the forgotten, from the remembered.

Then I realized he was gone. I looked for him, gasping, watching his broad back as he made his way down the flagstone steps toward his car. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I should stop him, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have time to decide.

I took a step towards him, my limbs trembling with uncertainty. He was at the car now. All I had to do was call for him, all I had to do was shout for him to stop.

I opened my mouth but no words came, no sound. I was frozen, rooted in place by the sheer depth of my indecision, grounded by my hesitation…like I was in a nightmare or something.

I heard the door open behind me. “Mackenzie?”

I gulped, tearing my eyes away, sparing a terrible moment to turn towards my mother, who was beaming with exuberance when she spotted me on the step.

“You’re home.” She smiled through her tears. She swept me into her arms and hugged me as tightly as she could. I hugged her back, resting my face against her soft, warm shoulder, holding back my tears, trying to find some solace in her embrace from the sudden turmoil of my emotions.

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