Page 48 of Out of Control

Fiona hadn’t even reached the landing before the infant started crying again. She sighed and returned to the cot. “I’m going to have to take you downstairs with me, aren’t I?” Natalie stared at her with wide, innocent eyes and Fiona thought she detected the slightest of nods. She grinned at the infant’s audacity. She held the baby closer and showered her downy head with kisses. Then she stopped suddenly — the usual sadness she felt when holding Natalie was gone. Fiona was falling in love and bonding with a baby that wasn’t hers, and who, depending on the longevity of the relationship between her and Joe, or on what happened when Rose returned, might be snatched away. Adele’s circumstances would change in the next few months. For the young woman’s own sake, Fiona wanted her to live independently, or at least somewhere with more space, andat that point their shaky relationship might crack and Natalie would no longer be in her life. Fiona couldn’t get close to this child and then lose her. Once in a lifetime was enough. She put Natalie in the car seat to carry her downstairs — close physical contact with the infant was dangerous.

She deliberately placed the seat on the floor next to Joe, who had finished his starter and was scrolling through his phone. Adele had finished as well. She’d pushed the plate to one side and had her head on the table with her eyes closed. The duck pancakes in front of Fiona were cold now. She pushed her plate away too. Joe put his phone down and looked at her and then across at Adele and then he rolled his eyes. Fiona got the message — he was trying to tell her they could’ve gone out for the evening after all. Fiona shook her head and indicated the carry-seat. As if on cue, Natalie started crying. Adele’s head immediately jolted upwards. Fiona passed the infant over to her mother. “Cuddle her for a few minutes while your dad clears the starters and gets the mains from the oven.” Joe grunted and groaned as he stood up. “I’ve got the warming tray heating up in the kitchen as well,” Fiona continued. “Bring that in first and then at least we can keep everything hot if Natalie slows down proceedings.”

Proceedings didn’t just slow down, they ground to a halt. Leisurely eating and a bit of fun with the chopsticks Fiona had found at the back of her cutlery drawer were abandoned. Natalie was the most unsettled she’d been since they’d brought her home two days earlier. Joe kept his head focused on his plate, but the whites of his knuckles could be seen in the grip on his cutlery. Adele and Fiona switched the baby between them at regular intervals, Adele shovelling food into her mouth in between turns while constantly glancing at her daughter. When it was Fiona’s turn to eat, she tried to force her knotted stomach to relax and take food. She ate small mouthfuls so she mightremember something of what she ate. And all the time in the background were Natalie’s wails.

“For heaven’s sake! Can’t one of you shut her up!” For a few seconds Joe got silence as all three female heads swivelled towards his outburst. “I can’t sit in this uproar all night.” He levered himself up to standing.

It was like discovering that Santa Claus is a myth, that the tooth fairy is a lie and that there never was such a thing as the Easter Bunny — all in the same split second. In small doses, and without the baggage of his domestic needs, whims and foibles, Joe had been the perfect occasional companion — the significant other who made her feel good about herself and her life choices, and who didn’t need to undergo the public scrutiny of others or live up to anyone else’s expectations. Now she saw his true colours and how he reacted when the chips were down. And it wasn’t good. It was unforgivably awful. Maybe his attitude to Natalie seemed worse because she still carried Amber in her heart. But Joe had raised two of his own children, he had a wealth of experience that neither she nor Adele had, but, apart from his absolute besottedness and photography session on first meeting his granddaughter, he had kept well back from the front line. “If Rose was here, we wouldn’t be trying to enjoy a nice meal and a bottle of wine—” he gestured at the bottle of red, which so far had only made its way into his glass — “with this cacophony in the background.”

Adele joined in with Natalie’s sobs.

“And what exactly would Rose have done in this situation?” If humans had hackles, Fiona’s were raised.

He shrugged. “Don’t ask me the details. I’m not a woman. But she always advocated that if the parent is relaxed then the baby will be too. Put Natalie down and take ten minutes to have a drink and finish your food. Both of you.” He had calmed his voice a little but the last sentence came out like an order. Fionaexpected him to step forward and take his granddaughter, but he sat back down, topped up his wine and then poured some for both Fiona and his daughter.

Adele looked close to tears as she strapped Natalie back into the car seat. She ignored the wine her father pushed towards her —Well done you, Adele. Stick to your guns— and concentrated on her food. Joe handed a glass filled too full to Fiona. To avoid a messy accident on her virgin white tablecloth she was forced to take it and start sipping before it slopped over the edges. She closed her eyes and tried to savour the richness trickling down her throat. She drank some more. Maybe it was psychological but the tight band of tension across her shoulders and the ball that had been in her stomach since the meal began eased. Maybe there was something in Rose’s philosophy. When she opened her eyes, she was surprised to find only a centimetre of liquid left in the glass. Joe was smiling at her.

“What did I tell you? Even from a distance, Rose knows best.”

“Please stop mentioning Rose.” Fiona spoke sharply.

“Fiona’s right, Dad. It’s not helpful to praise your ex-wife in front of your current girlfriend.”

Wow! Thank you, Adele.She shot her daughter-by-proxy a grateful glance.

Natalie was still crying but it didn’t seem to penetrate Fiona’s brain quite so much. She put a hand over the sudden growl of her empty stomach and understood the sudden effect of the wine.

“Now eat.” Joe spoke without acknowledging the remarks of either Fiona or Adele.

Fiona obeyed. She spooned egg-fried rice, lemon chicken, garlic vegetables and beef in black bean sauce onto her plate. Joe refilled her glass and then brandished the bottle. “I’ll fetch another — it is New Year’s Eve after all.”

“Dad . . .” Adele was frowning and blowing her nose. “I might need some help, and if you’re both—”

“Nonsense. You’re doing brilliantly.”

Another realisation hit Fiona. Joe said whatever suited him at that moment in time. When Adele had been struggling to bathe Natalie it had suited his needs to ask Fiona to take over and thus silence the anguished cries of his daughter. Now he didn’t want to drink alone, plus he wanted some built-in insulation from the baby’s cries, and so he told Adele that she was more than capable, thus encouraging Fiona to let herself go on the alcohol front.

In the meantime, Natalie had fallen silent and was staring directly at Joe as he raised the new bottle over Fiona’s glass. As soon as he started pouring, she screamed as though she’d been stabbed. Adele was on her feet immediately, unbuckling and taking the infant in her arms. Pacing backwards and forwards reduced the ferocity of the noise but it was still constant, in the background, like tinnitus.

“I’ll try feeding and changing her again.” The anguished girl and baby disappeared upstairs.

“Thank goodness for that.” She hoped Joe’s words emanated from the bottle and not his heart. He headed for the sofa.

“We should clear up.” Fiona gestured at the table with its litter of plates and cartons.

“It’ll go straight in the bin.” He was fiddling with the remote now.

“It may have escaped your notice but we didn’t use disposable plates, cutlery or glasses.” Despite all her wonderful maternal and domestic skills, Rose had been a complete failure at housetraining her husband. Or maybe she’d wanted to keep him dependent on her? No. No woman would want to wait on her man like this.

Joe failed to respond to the sarcasm in her voice. Maybe he didn’t even notice it. Fiona was past caring. She cleared the table and washed up.

Thirty minutes later Adele was back downstairs with Natalie just as noisy as when they’d left. “She’s had a feed and I’ve changed her nappy but still she won’t settle. And I’m soooo tired.”

Fiona wanted to offer to take the infant while Adele caught a couple of hours sleep but, after her realisation that the Joe she’d previously enjoyed in small doses was slipping between the cracks, she was afraid to get too close to his granddaughter. A granddaughter who may be out of bounds very soon.

“Dad! I don’t know what to do with her.”

Joe looked surprised at this direct appeal for help. “We could take her for a drive — that makes babies nod off, doesn’t it?”

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