Page 40 of Cowboys Can't Kiss

Riley:I did! One more trial of the whole thing and I brought it to my aunt for the official taste. She loved it. Carlos said it’s great too. SoI think I’m ready.

Jackson:I know you can do it. You’re amazing.

Riley:So, have you tried speaking to any new hot cowboys yet? Meet anyone you need some advice about?

I cringe after sending the text. It’s not like me to be so intrusive. I shouldn’t have asked that. Part of me wants him to say yes to prove that he’s working on overcoming what he thinks is some sort of social flaw. In reality, it’s what makes Jackson, well, real. The other half of me wants him to say no because I don’t want to hear about who he’s met.

It’s a new kind of fucked up for me to wish for a friend to fail.

Jackson:Cowboys aren’t really my type.

Riley:Okay, some cute buckle bunny then?

Fuck, I need to stop this. It’s not fair to him. Either I let him in, or I don’t, and stop fishing for information. From personal experience, I already know that mind games never end well.

Jackson:Nah. My heart isn’t in it yet.

An enormous weight loosens as I chew on my pizza, elated Jackson isn’t doing what he originally asked me for help with.

Jackson:Can I ask you something?

My heart leaps into my throat and I push my pizza away.

Riley:Of course.

Jackson:Why did you become an escort? You said you loved making men feel good about themselves when you were doing it. But why did you start?

Well, that’s not what I was expecting. While yes, I told him that, I never really revealed the why. Most people fall into sex work out of desperation. They fall on hard times or, sadly, get hooked into the addiction cycle.

I don’t have a sad story to tell about it. I chose it willingly, with eyes wide open. Making huge coin was a draw, but money wasn’t the primary motivator.

Riley:It’s hard to put into a text, but the short answer is because I wanted to belong. To be picked by someone else. Romance wasn’t in the picture yet. I was happy to just be with people.

Jackson:Did you not have people before that?

Riley:Not really. My parents wanted to send me away when I was very young and it’s a lot to tell you in a message. But the escort business made me feel like I was a person to be desired no matter what anyone else told me.

Very few people know about my conservative family and the need to distance themselves from ‘the gay boy.’ The pretty boy who always seemed to make family gatherings awkward. Aunt Agnes was the only one who ever looked out for me. When I told herabout the escort gig, she implored me to stay safe and to do what my heart said.

She never judged me for anything.

The people who hired me also never judged me. They were often seeking validation themselves. Some were men in the closet and didn’t know any other avenue they could take and remain discreet. Others were simply wanting someone to care.

Being an escort made me feel like I wasn’t alone. That people could like me for me. And as corny as it sounds, I could make a difference to the men who also felt untethered and unsure of their place. Sure, Chase fucking exploded my self-esteem, and I developed an awful case of distrust, but I became a real person. I found myself.

Yes, I was paid for it, but theywantedme.

The wetness on my cheeks is new and I brush it away, relieved Jackson can’t see it.

Jackson:Thank you for being honest. You matter to me. I just want you to know that. I already told you how rodeo was something similar for me. All my differentness disappeared when I was in the ring. I wasn’t the kid who had the lowest math score or the kid who never partied. I was the bad-ass steer wrestler winning championships and representing my school. So don’t ever feel like I’d judge you about your former life. When something saves you, you cherish it.

Bloody fucking Christ, why does he say all the right things?

Riley:I appreciate that.

Suddenly emotionally drained, I send him a text that I have an early morning and thank him for the company. Then I power my phone off, which I never do, and toss it on the table.

Until I met Jackson, I never considered myself a complicated person. But here I sit, wondering if maybe I am. I love creating romance for others, but not for me. Escort work was enjoyable. I loved it for the way I could make others feel seen like I never was. It provided a closeness sometimes I couldn’t find in bars.

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