Page 2 of My Saintly Demon

Nothing in my life is going as planned.

I’m supposed to be preaching to these people to love one another and be kind, and we are all cut from the same cloth, yet behind closed doors it’s a different story.

Much different.

The final straw was not helping the young gay man struggling with his family’s decision to turn him away and facing the same addictions I was. His wealthy family is a major contributor to the church and we shouldn’t make them angry. We don’t want them to pull their donations after all.

Instead, I’m repeatedly asked to ignore someone’s plea for help.

From a man who’s so much like me, I might as well be looking in a mirror.

The gin bottle is a quarter empty and my anger bubbles to the top as I finally read over the stack of paper left in my mailbox. The sterile font and type does nothing to simmer my ire, as I read the words sent to me from someone who promised never to reveal my secrets or leave me.

The only man I ever loved. Bishop Matthew. My boss.

Charles,

I hope this letter finds you well. As you can see, our lawyers have suggested the following course of action and I agree with the diocese to terminate your residency here.

We will pay you a handsome severance with the understanding you will remain silent and follow the gag order we propose.

Please respond by the due date so we may solve this matter post haste.

Regards,

Bishop Matthew

“Regards, Bishop Matthew,” I slur in the snottiest voice I can muster. “You can kiss my ass. Actually, youhave. I’m not hiding anymore. Take your severance and fuck off, you poor excuse for a human being.”

Tossing the paper on the coffee table, my hands shaking, I don’t understand how words can hurt so much. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Now it’s my mess to deal with.

Alone.

My head spins with rage and alcohol, but mostly for the request that I hide myself indefinitely. I’m done with all the goddamn secrets and lies.

I’m done faking my way through my job and life.

I won’t do it.

Pouring myself another drink, probably not the best idea, I fumble around on my laptop and find my favourite porn site. Today I want to watch all the bodies. All the dicks. The filthier the better. I’m in that kind of mood.

The site loads and I choose the first video offered from the list. Four men taking turns with each other, sucking cocks, fucking and coming all over each other. The scene is the perfect distraction, and yet, it also reminds me of what I’ve missed. Sure, it’s pure animal behaviour and sex purely for physical gratification, but it’s more than that to me.

They get to express themselves openly. They can have other men touch them. People are watching. Well, not the public, but they’re in a group and obviously happy to be there. Base behaviour is still something new to me. Years of suppressing myself and what I want have come to a breaking point. Rather than try to sop up the mess, I let the rage boil over.

Matthew opened my eyes to what I’d so desperately stuffed aside. I wanted another person to love me in a physical way. They didn’t even need to love me romantically. I’d be a booty call, if that’s all I get. To be fair, I think that’s how it all started. Just us finally seeking that forbidden human intimacy. Finding our way through the sneaking around and hiding was at first a thrill, but as the novelty of it wore off, I noticed what it really was.

We broke our vows to the church, but even worse, in their eyes, it was with a person of the same sex. Nothing good would come from it, but I kept on doing it. When I let my emotions get involved with Matthew, it changed everything. It scared me to death when I realized I loved him. That was a love I’d had to work hard at hiding. Hiding being gay was one thing, but hiding how I felt for a person I loved having naked against me, someone whose lips so intimately kissed mine, was quite another. Sins of the flesh are far less confusing when there are no emotions involved.

Matthew sensed it. He knew I was in deep and he was at risk of being outed because of it. He tried to make me believe this was for the best and he’d find me again in a few years. You know, when it’s safe. Like a few years of waiting would solve all the problems of the Catholic church. But love or not, this new freedom to be who I wanted was the driving force behind this shit-storm.

If only I hadn’t drunk so much I could get my dick on board with the video and enjoy it more. I could take my mind off things. It twitches half-heartedly as I tug on my balls, but it’s not happening tonight. And yet I can’t turn the scene off or look away.

Not until the video ends and instead of fading to a black screen or rolling credits, two of the men share a tender kiss as the other wipes the mess off his chest. It’s the look in the man’s eyes as he gazes at the other two that has me slamming my laptop closed harder than I should.

Naked, in the darkening room, I say to hell with the tonic water and drink the gin straight from the bottle.

CHAPTERTWO

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