I'm too far gone to put it back in place. The last thing I want to do is take my anger out on her.
"I'm not in the mood, Haven. Consider it an off day."
"You've had an off day ever since Oak and you returned from Hollows Point that first night." She calls me out on my bullshit. I knew she would, too. Haven isn't the type of girl to back down. She isn't shy and she's not afraid of confrontation. This girl is used to fighting.
Keeping pretense, I pretend to act as if I don't know what she's talking about. "I have no clue what you mean."
She rolls her eyes at me, a famous trademark of hers when she's annoyed. That's easily done, too. "Let's not insult my intelligence. Something happened and it has you shaken."
"I'm not shaken."
"You can stop lying to yourself, you know? It's not going to do you any favors."
I sigh exasperated. "Listen, I'm happy for you. Really, I am. And on any other night I would be out there celebrating with you, but I can't."
"Why?"
"Because I just can't, Haven."
"That's not an answer, Snake. For once in your life stop bullshitting everyone including yourself."
It has the be the physical exhaustion. The over exertion making me say things that I really should keep to my fucking self.
Perhaps if I give her a small inkling, she'll stop hounding. "Remember the conversation we had last year?"
She nods automatically. Of course, she does, it's the reason why she's always worried about me. "Of course."
"Then you remember asking me if I was always like this," I start.
"And you told me life did. People come along the way making it better or worse. Some that even do both," she repeats what I said to her from last year.
Nodding my head, I wait for her to connect the dots. She's a smart girl, she'll figure it out.
It takes less than a minute for her eyes to light with knowing. "That person was there when you and Oak went to Hollows Point. The person who saw all of you. The real you," she gasps.
"That she was," I murmur.
"Did you speak with her?" She asks curiously.
"I did."
Her eyes search mine as she digs for more answers. "How did it go?"
I laugh but it's humorless. "Well, I'm not exactly in the best shape now am I?"
She hums thoughtfully. "And this girl, the one who saw the real you, how was she with you?"
My eyes narrow. "What do you mean?"
"Listen, you think you're the only one who is hurting but do you think she's possibly hurting, too?" She suggests and I almost balk.
Scoffing instead I reply, "She's the one who hurt me. She betrayed me, Haven, not the other way around."
"People have their reasons, Snake. I left Dex behind because I was protecting him. All of you thought I turned my back on him when I was only trying to save him and the club. You guys saw a broken man when I left but you didn't see how broken and lost I was. In the end everyone in this club forgave me after hearing my side of the story. You were a part of that," she tells me softly.
"So, you want me to forgive her for betraying me?" It sounds even more ludicrous saying it out loud.
She shakes her head. "No, I want you to hear her side of the story. Jesus, Snake, have you ever heard her side of the story?"