Page 33 of Guarded

Kiss a stranger.

Meet Pedro Pascual.

Get over my fear of heights. I should do this before I go to the fair if I want to get on the Ferris Wheel.

Figure out how to use that orange vibrator Thalia got me. And soon, because the shower head is not doing the job anymore.

Lose my virginity.

Fall in love.

Icross out the last one. Love wasn’t in the cards for me. Number nine would also be tricky. After what happened on Sunday, it was another reminder that life wasn’t guaranteed.

Things between Nero and I got a little too weird. I’m still unsure why I opened my big fucking mouth and confessed my whole life story to him.

I could have at least left out the virginity piece. I look back down at my list. It wasn’t in any particular order. Just a list I feel like I can accomplish in the next year.

Hopefully, I still had a year to prepare before Axel pushed me onto someone. The thought of losing my virginity to someone other than the man my family was trying to choose for me made me anxious. Not like bad, locked in a dark room crying anxious but excited anxious.

In a perfect world like the one my parents created for me, I would save it for my husband. A degrading game of power where Axel auctioned off my innocence to the highest bidder. The union would only benefit him and my father. What about me? What about what I want?

Listen, if my v-card were like an infinity stone, that would make my husband more powerful, then I would leave the man powerless. I enjoyed fantasizing about what my husband would do when he found out I wasn’t actually a virgin. Maybe he’d give me back to my family.

They can tell, right?God, I hope he can tell because I can’t wait to see the look on his face. I’d laugh right at it. Like, sorry mijo, the stone’s been given to another papa. You are the weakest link. Bye, see you never.

It was a gross standard for women to be held so low in inequality. At one point, my mother convinced me that belonging to a man would be my greatest joy, but the whole idea made me sick. I didn’t want to be claimed and then tossed aside.

I wanted to be loved.Like real genuine, ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, all I do is think of you’ love.

And that's where my dilemma comes in. I may have developed a crush on Nero. Unexpectedly, after Sunday, all these emotions started to submerge. At first, I thought maybe this was a Stockholm synopsis or whatever it’s called.

He obviously didn’t kidnap me. That would be kind of hot if he did, though.

Focus Ariella.

Get the sucia thoughts out of your head!

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