Page 57 of Twisted Fate

“I hope you’ll let me stay in her life. She means the world to me.” I was on the verge of sobbing when he cut in.

“I will. I won’t keep her from you even if you don’t want to see me,” he promised. “We’ll work something out.”

I nodded, unable to form words, as relief washed over me.

“Goodbye, Delilah,” he said finally, his face awash in sorrow as he shoved his hands into his pockets and walked off the porch. I couldn't speak past the emotion clogging my throat. I simply watched as he got in his car and left. As he pulled away, the heart I thought couldn’t possibly break any more completely dissolved until it was nothing but dust.

48

Vance

Delilah was right.As much as I hated to admit it, I hadn’t taken the time to properly grieve Sarah’s death. I was lonely and devastated and needed a reprieve from the pain, even if it was temporary, and she’d been a soothing balm to the deep ache left by the loss of my wife. That didn’t negate my feelings for Delilah, but I came to her a broken man. I wasn’t whole, and I needed to put myself back together before I could love someone the way they deserved.

Before I could love Delilah the wayshedeserved.

I’d hurt her deeply, but I still held out hope that one day we could try again. It took losing her to realize just how much I cared about her.

But for now, I needed to focus on myself and my daughter. She missed Delilah, and it was up to me to find a way for her to stay in Charlie’s life. With Darla and Emily’s help, we came up with a plan to keep Charlie and Delilah connected without the complication that came with us seeing each other. Charlie would continue to go to preschool half a day. Delilah would pick her up three days a week like usual, but instead of going straight home, they would go to my in-laws’ house where Delilah would watch her until Darla got home from work, and I’d pick her up there.

My mother would get her from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays as usual. To my surprise, she was less than thrilled about this new arrangement.

“You’re just going to let her back into your lives?” she huffed, annoyance tinging her words.

“Mom, I told you, it was all a misunderstanding.” She knew the full extent of everything that had happened, so I couldn’t understand why she still didn’t want Delilah around.

“I don’t care,” she spat, her normally composed demeanor cracking. “That girl,” she sneered, “isn’t good enough for you. She will never replace Sarah. And I made sure she knew it,” she added beneath her breath, gritting her teeth.

“You did what?” I asked, taking a step toward her. Her gaze snapped to mine, eyes rounded in shock. She clearly hadn’t intended for me to hear that last part.

“I-I…” she stuttered as she scrambled for an excuse. “I was just trying to protect you and Charlie. I didn’t trust Delilah. It was all too convenient for her to show back up after Sarah died, and I could tell something was going on between you two. You were grieving,” she cried, her tone growing more frantic and defensive. “She took advantage of you. She knew she looked like Sarah and could reel you in. She was trying to sink her claws into you!”

“How could you?” My voice rose to a point I had never dared use toward my mother. My heart pounded a furious rhythm as my blood heated with anger. “Do you have any idea how delusional you sound?” Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. There was nothing she could say to justify her actions. She’d gone behind my back, meddled in my life, and hurt the woman I loved.

“You hurt her in the cruelest way possible. Even worse, I let your suspicions cloud my judgment, and I made the biggest mistake of my life!” I shoved my hands through my hair, pulling on the ends until my scalp stung. No wonder Delilah had looked so wounded by my accusations. She’d already heard them from my mother. This woman, who’d endured more than anyone should have to in a lifetime, continued to suffer at my hands and the hands of my family. No more. It would never happen again.

“One day,” I began, my voice low and determined, “I will prove myself to her again and win her heart. And when that happens, you will treat her with nothing but respect. And if you can’t do that, you will no longer be welcome in our lives.” I turned to walk away but drew up short. There was one last thing I would demand, and it was non-negotiable. “You owe her an apology.”

* * *

Charlie lovedour new arrangement since she got to spend time with Delilahandher grandparents with frequent visits from her Aunt Emily. It worked out great since Darla usually made dinner, and Charlie got a home cooked meal. Soon I began staying and eating dinner with them too. It was nice to have the company, and Darla and Jim enjoyed having us there. They missed Sarah and had been just as lonely as I had following her passing, and I realized I should’ve made more of an effort to see them over the last year. They were my family too, and I’d practically shut them out during the time we all needed each other most. That was something I was working on rectifying immediately.

At Darla’s urging, I began grief counseling. She’d been going for some time, and after hearing how it had helped her, I was willing to give it a try. We were approaching our first Christmas without Sarah, and soon after would mark a year she’d been gone. We were all feeling the melancholy of the approaching holiday without her. And to be honest, it was past time for me to do something about it.

Delilah and I communicated via text occasionally, but it was strictly limited to correspondence regarding Charlie. I longed to tell her how much I missed her and that I wanted to see her, but I respected her wishes. When she agreed to our new arrangement, I promised to keep all our conversations about Charlie and assured her that we wouldn’t see each other. I didn’t pick up Charlie before Darla got home, even if I got out of work early. Sometimes, if that happened, I parked across the street and waited for Delilah to leave just so I could see her even if it was only for a brief moment as she walked to her car. I missed her more than words could express, but I was determined not to cross that line.

The only time I broke our rule was on Christmas morning. I snapped a photo of Charlie sitting by the tree surrounded by presents with the caption “Merry Christmas.” Three little dots appeared, and I held my breath awaiting her reply. They disappeared, then came back, but were gone again. Dejected, I set my phone aside and smiled through my disappointment as Charlie tore into her gifts. A while later, I grabbed my phone to take more pictures, and there was a message from Delilah. My heart stuttered in my chest, and I held my breath as I unlocked the screen.

Delilah:Merry Christmas! Give Charlie a hug for me.

After dinner at my in-laws,I texted Delilah once more to let her know Charlie was spending the night with her grandparents and that I would be at home if she wanted to visit with Charlie. She immediately texted me back with a “thank you.” When I picked Charlie up the next morning, she was loaded down with new presents. On the drive home, she chattered excitedly about getting to see Delilah and how much she loved the gifts. I was simultaneously thankful she’d done that for my daughter and heartbroken I hadn’t gotten to witness them together on Christmas.

On a cold morning in early January, I made the trip I’d been avoiding for a year. The headstone was dusted with snow, the grass surrounding it covered in frost, the knees of my jeans dampening as I knelt before it.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as the first tear slid down my cheek. There were so many things I had to apologize for. I didn’t know where to start, but I needed to get all my transgressions off my chest. I poured my heart out, hoping that somehow, wherever she was, she was listening. I apologized for that day, for the way I had talked to her and stormed out without a backward glance. I apologized for the mistakes I had made and my shortcomings as a husband. For not listening to her when she said I worked too much and needed to learn how to say no when I was already overloaded. Every wrongdoing spilled from my lips as though I were in a confessional, baring my soul for judgment.

The one thing I didn’t seek absolution for was falling in love with Delilah. I regretted not waiting and for rushing into a relationship with her before my heart was ready, but I could never regret loving her. My only regret was hurting her the way I did.

I was completely spent, the cold air stinging my damp cheeks and my knees nearly too weak to stand when I finally pushed to my feet. Once I was upright, a sense of peace washed over me. The weight I’d been carrying around was notably absent. Sarah had been my partner and best friend, the person I turned to when I needed someone to talk to. Why I’d waited so long to come to her was a mystery, but now that I had, I felt lighter, like the weight of my burdens was finally beginning to lift from my shoulders.

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