Page 49 of Desperation

“Are you sure this is what you want? To live with Sandra? How well do you even know her? She dated Hank for crying out loud.” He faced me then, a look of irritation crossing his features.

“Sandra has been good to me since day one. You may not know her, but I do. Hank pulled the wool over her eyes. He was a completely different person when she was around, and that’s the only side he showed her until now.”

“I just…” he began, shoving his fingers through his hair, then he shook his head. “I don’t want you to be here alone or at Sandra’s. I want you to stay with me. Come home with me. We’ll find an apartment. We can look today if you want.” His eyes pleaded with me, begging me to say yes.

“I can’t.”

He reached for my hands, pulling them to his chest, his eyes glinting like polished metal. “We’ve been through so much together, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the events of the past several weeks, it’s that life is short. I know it sounds cliche, but I don’t want to waste a minute of it. I want you with me. And I thought you’d want that too.”

I took a deep breath, steeling myself against the passion and determination set in his chiseled jaw. “I’ve already been completely dependent on a man once, with no means to take care of myself. I don’t want to jump right back into the same situation.” Hurt flashed in his eyes, and he took a step back. Too late, I realized my mistake. I couldn’t explain myself fast enough.

“I’m nothing like him,” he growled, and I winced.

“I know. That’s not what I meant.”

“Being with me would be nothing like being with him. You could come and go as you pleased. You could have friends. You could work, go to school, stay home with Jameson, take up a hobby—whatever you want. I wouldn’t stop you. And I wouldneverhurt you.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks, and guilt stuck in my throat. I hadn’t meant to compare him to Drake, but that was exactly how it sounded. I knew they were different and that Devon would never treat me like Drake had, but I still couldn’t put myself in a position where I had to depend on him financially and for a place to live. I wanted to enter that kind of arrangement on more equal footing. I needed to know that if I wanted to leave, I could, and nothing would stop me. It had to be that way. It was what I needed to feel safe and secure.

“I know, and I’m sorry I made you feel like I doubted you or believed you could ever be like him. But not only is this still new, I’m not emotionally ready to live with someone I’m romantically involved with. It makes me feel too vulnerable. I need to be on my own for a bit.”

“Wait, what are you saying? Do you not want this anymore?”

Is that what I was saying? “No, Idowant this. I just…” Words escaped me, and I realized I hadn’t taken a moment to think about what I truly wanted and needed. I wanted Devon, there was no doubt about that, but I needed to heal. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I’d jumped from one relationship to another without an intermission in between. Even though Devon and I didn’t get physical right away, there was something there from the beginning. We were emotionally involved whether we realized it or not. That couldn’t be healthy.

“I do want to be with you. I want that more than anything, but I need to take care of me first. I need to take care of my son. And I need to do that on my own before I pursue a relationship with another man.”

“Hannah.” His voice came out strangled, pained. His face contorted as though I’d stabbed him in the heart. “Please don’t do this. I…” He let the words evaporate from his tongue.

“I’m sorry. I just need some time.”

“I know. You’ve been through a painful, traumatic ordeal. I just want to be there for you. Let me love you through it.” The dam broke, and tears burst from my eyes as sobs shook my shoulders.

Let me love you through it.

Devon loved me. The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks, nearly knocking me off my feet. It chipped away at my resolve and weakened my determination. I loved him too, but I had to do this. Living with Sandra was temporary, a way to get back on my feet. Living with Devon could be permanent, and I’d never know if I could make it on my own if things didn’t work out between us.

“I have to do this on my own.” I cupped his face with my hand, pleading for him to understand. “You saved me. You will always be my hero, but you can’t keep saving me. I need the opportunity to save myself.” His eyes shimmered with unshed tears, and I felt them like a knife in the heart.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Devon

Five months later…

“It’s about time you got your paperwork turned in,” Mark called from down the hallway. I turned to find him coming out of the restroom, wiping his hands on his pants.At least he washed them, I guess.

“Hey,” I offered in greeting. “How you been, Twilight?” After nearly a year working at Cole Security—and being called Princess by my boss damn near every day—I was finally comfortable calling him by his old call sign.

“Good, good,” he replied, closing the distance between us. “Just trying to keep up with Charlie and the kids. How’s your mom?”

“Finally seems to be fully recovered.” She’d been sick this past spring and ended up in the hospital for a while. She caught the flu right at the end of the season, and with her other health problems, it nearly took her out. I was scared to death I would lose her.

Thankfully, she managed to pull through, though, and was finally as healthy as she was ever going to be. As for me, I still hadn’t gotten over the woman who’d crashed her way into my world—literally—and stole my heart. She left it in pieces the day she told me she had to find her own way, to prove she could stand on her own two feet. The only person she had anything to prove to was herself. Everyone else already knew what she was capable of. She needed time to work through what had happened with Drake. With everything she’d been through combined with taking care of her baby, the last thing she needed was a new relationship distracting her.

Even though I’d come to terms with it and understood her decision, it still hurt. I wanted her to choose me, needed it more than my next breath. There was a hole in my chest no amount of work or caring for my mom would fill. I missed Hannah. Her smile, her contagious laughter, her sparkling green eyes. I missed it all. I even missed Jameson. He would have grown so much since I last saw him. He would be crawling and maybe even walking at this point. I wouldn’t know since I didn't allow myself the luxury of checking Hannah’s social media accounts. All that would do was increase the longing I was finally starting to overcome.

Mark and I were discussing an upcoming assignment when he stopped talking abruptly and stared over my shoulder toward the lobby. He stood frozen for a moment before his eyes shifted to me then back over my shoulder. Surprise washed over him, but not fear. It wasn’t a threat that caught his attention. Could it be…? No, I wouldn’t allow myself to go there, allow myself to hope.

---