Page 26 of Desperation

I tried to ignore those nagging thoughts. All they did was perpetuate resentment. Drake slept like the dead most of the time, and because I was breastfeeding he saw no reason to get up with the baby since I had to be the one to feed him anyway. He had changed diapers for the first week we were home, but even that had waned. What I wouldn’t give for a full night's sleep at this point. I yawned, a confirmation that I was utterly exhausted.

“Drake and I could watch him for a little bit if you wanted to take a nap.” When I looked up, Devon was watching me, eyes full of concern. It was a kind gesture, but Jameson had other plans.

“Can’t. He’s already rootin’ around, lookin’ for his next meal.” Devon glanced down and jumped, noticing the squirming baby turning his head and opening his mouth. Drake and I both laughed at the mortification on his face.

“Better give him back before he latches on,” Drake warned. I came around the table and took Jameson from his arms and headed for the nursery where my rocking chair and special pillow awaited me. Unsurprisingly, he fell back to sleep once his belly was full, and I held him for several long minutes before laying him gently in his crib. I planned to get a shower while he slept, and there were two other adults in the house.

I felt human once again after finally washing my hair after … well, I wasn’t sure how long it had been at this point. My legs were shaved and lotion applied, moisturizer gracing my face after a long hiatus. The weather was turning cooler now, and my skin would get chapped if I didn’t start taking better care of it.

I was squeezing my damp hair with a towel as I walked past the nursery when I caught movement from the corner of my eye. Backtracking, I stepped into the open doorway, and my heart melted into the floor. Devon sat in my rocking chair holding Jameson and humming a lullaby to him. I covered my mouth to muffle the emotion leaking out. He looked up and caught me watching them.

“He woke up after you got in the shower. I think he just wanted to be held.” It was such a sweet, caring thing to do. I was simultaneously grateful to him and disappointed in Drake. Why wasn’t he in here doing this?

“Where’s Drake?” I schooled my features so my irritation wouldn’t show.

“He had to run out. I told him I’d be fine until you got done.” He didn’t look at me when he replied. He was hiding something, and I feared the worst. Drake had been randomly disappearing here lately, claiming to be helping his dad with some project or another. Part of me worried it was more than that. I even considered he had a side chick. We hadn’t been together since before the baby was born, and I knew he was getting impatient. I hoped that wasn’t it. We were finally in a good place, and that would destroy everything.

“Where did he go?”

“I can’t tell you.” He didn’t look up when he spoke, continuing to study Jameson’s features. My stomach twisted with worry, and I nearly doubled over. Why was he keeping this secret? I remained silent, and Devon glanced up; his face fell, and all hint of teasing was gone. He must have read the unease because he quickly confessed, “He wanted to surprise you. He’s getting your favorite pizza.”

“Oh.” Guilt suffused me. I’d assumed the worst of him when in reality, he was doing something thoughtful. I felt like a jerk. Like a huge suspicious, catty bitch just looking for a reason to think the worst of him. I realized then that those feelings had only creeped back in since Devon showed up. Was that my subconscious driving me toward him? Did I want to believe the worst of Drake so I could justify my feelings for Devon? My head was spinning when he walked toward me, my son in his arms.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… I need to sit down.” He directed me to the rocking chair, and when I was seated, Devon placed Jameson in his crib.

“You went pale as a ghost when I said Drake left and I couldn’t tell you where he went. Are you sure everything’s alright?”

He was digging, and I couldn’t blame him. From the outside, I knew my reaction looked bad. The last several weeks had been difficult adjusting to life with a newborn. I was sleep deprived, constantly hungry from sustaining another human being, and my hormones were on the fritz. My reaction was mild compared to how I felt inside. Throwing Devon into the mix didn’t help.

“I’m sure,” I replied and stood from the chair. I wobbled a bit, and Devon reached out to steady me. His touch sent a flutter in my belly, warming me from head to toe.

“Look, there’s something I need to say before Drake gets home.” My eyes went wide at his proclamation. My pulse accelerated in anticipation of what he’d say. “I think it’s best if I don’t come around for a while.” My heart sank, and I fought to suppress the emotion welling up in my chest. “You and Drake seem to be doing really well. You seem happy.” He looked to me for confirmation, but I couldn’t move. “Has he…” He cleared his throat and looked away, afraid to ask what was on his mind. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Has he hurt you anymore? Since I was here last?”

“No.” I shook my head vehemently. He hadn’t raised a hand to me once.

Devon nodded. “Good. I hope that doesn’t change. However,” he continued, pain flashing in his eyes, “I can’t just stand by and watch. I want you to be happy, but if Drake is what makes you happy, I need to keep my distance. I won’t come between you. I won’t break up a happy family, but I need to protect my heart.” His admission surprised us both. He hadn’t meant to say that last part, I was sure of it. “I won’t try to kiss you again or stop by just to see you.” His cheeks flushed, confirming my suspicions. Every time he stopped by, it was to see me. Even if it was an hour before Drake got home, it was intentional. “But I will be just a phone call away if you ever need anything.” He stared into my eyes meaningfully, but all I could do was mourn his promise not to kiss me. I knew he’d be there for me if I needed him. I never questioned his sincerity on that matter. But to remove the possibility of ever feeling his lips on mine again was crushing me.

“Okay,” I choked out. He read the despair in my voice and pulled me in for a hug, securing me to his chest. This was it, the last time he would ever hold me. I clung to him, fisting my hands in his shirt at his back. I knew it was wrong to hold him like this, to want to be held by him, but I’d grant myself this one final moment.

“I’m sorry, but it’s for the best,” he murmured against my hair. “I just want you to be happy, and I’m afraid you won’t be if I’m around.” I nodded in understanding because I knew he was right. I would yearn for him if he was here, popping up every time I thought I could get him out of my head. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I doubted it would be that easy.

After several long minutes, we finally broke apart, and I wiped the dampness from my cheeks. I thought long and hard about indulging in one final kiss, but I feared it wouldn’t stop there, and he’d change his mind. He was trying to do what was right, to be noble. I wouldn’t take that from him.

We returned to the living room, and I flipped on the TV to avoid the awkward silence that would surely cocoon us in Drake’s absence. I sank into his chair and curled into a ball as Devon claimed his usual spot on the far end of the couch. I must have fallen asleep because I awoke sometime later to the low hum of voices in the next room and the scent of garlicky tomato sauce.

Standing, I made my way into the kitchen and found the two men sitting at the table, each with an open beer in their hand.

“Hey, sleepy head,” Drake greeted and pulled me into his side. He tilted his face up to me, and I gave him a quick peck on the lips. “We saved a few slices for you,” he assured me and pointed to the oven. The pizza box was inside, and when I lifted the lid, my stomach growled at the delicious aroma.

“I need to check on Jameson.” I wasn’t sure how long I’d slept, and since I hadn’t heard a peep from the nursery, I wanted to make sure he was okay.

“No, no, you need to eat. I’ll check on him,” Drake insisted. Before I could say a word, he was already halfway there. I grabbed a few slices and took my plate to the table, sitting across from Devon. Avoiding his gaze, I brought the pizza to my mouth and took a bite, chewing slowly so he wouldn’t expect me to talk.

“I checked on him about a dozen times while you were asleep.” I lifted my gaze to his, and his steely gray eyes watched me with concern. “You practically passed out as soon as you sat down.”

I swallowed the bite I’d been chewing and set the slice on my plate. “Thank you for watching over him so I could rest.”

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