Page 96 of Season of Gifts

In thirty-nine years, he’d never received such dogged pushback from her as he had this week.Navigating her health transition could make a casualty of the easy understanding he and Mother shared.The boy within scrambled back from the wrestling mat and crouched unmoving at the edge of the circle.Losing that relationship would wreck him as surely as the loss of her life would.

He took slow breaths, hunting for a calm lost in the fog.

“Turmoil is hardly conducive to a happy holiday.I am merely attempting to give everyone the comfort and joy they deserve.The pall that hangs over the house at Christmas is…” Dangerous, creeping under doors and slipping into beds, poisoning minds with memories that refused to be quieted.Tomorrow would mark the anniversary of his would-be baby sister’s birth and death.“Unfortunate.I had hoped the addition of Alice and Jay to this year’s gathering would lift the weight of so many years.”

If not for Mother’s diagnosis, he might finally have constructed a vibrant celebration without the melancholy that so often shadowed her as the days grew short.Taking the seat beside her, he offered his hand, palm upturned, fingers spread.“But circumstances have shifted, and so must we.”

“I will not deny that the season is a difficult one.”She laid her hand atop his, the wrinkled skin a map of years, and laced their fingers tightly.“Do you think I don’t recall the exact hour that your father and I left for the hospital thirty-three years ago?I assure you I do.My body remembers the feel of the contractions even now.My grief is near the surface.”

Her head dipped, revealing the delicate pink of her scalp beneath thinning silver hair, like crocus petals beneath the snow.Inhaling deeply, she leaned against him and lifted her chin toward his shoulder.“But so too is my joy—in you, in your delightful husband and wife, in the extended families you three have brought me.”

Two hands now, gripping his own, shaking his knuckles gently against his knee.“Do not let fear consume you, Henry.I want to live.I want to live and be merry.Do you remember how you would show me the shells and the stones and the sea glass?Show me your heart, Henry.Show me—at the very least, show Alice and Jay—what your heart needs this winter to heal once more.Your wounds are bleeding.You need help to close them.”

Would that he could.His fear would suffocate both of them.It filled the empty space in every room, compressing him into hypervigilance, into hair-trigger responses that he must work to suppress and a stress headache that thudded through him day after day.His fears conflicted with Mother’s need for freedom.His erratic weakness conflicted with Jay’s need for strength and stability.He’d pushed Alice away somehow, though the conflict there hadn’t even presented itself to him.Demanding too much of her?Awakening uncomfortable memories of her own?She’d been distant and challenging since her call yesterday to inform him of her plans.Not ask—inform.

What he needed was to be the man—the husband, the dominant—he had been three weeks ago.The man unveiling his gifts and unraveling the knotted threads holding his beloveds back from experiencing the full heights of their glorious selves.“I can’t bear to hurt them.”

“Alice and Jay?”Creases gathered at the corners of Mother’s eyes, of her lips.“I suspect your silence hurts them more.”

“As Father’s did you,” he murmured, pinned beneath the weight of mistakes come round again.He’d spent his life determined not to become a man like his father.Yet here he was.

“Henry, your father—”

The cheerful chimes of an incoming call burst from Mother’s phone.

“I have the sound off; I don’t know how—” She released his hand and turned the screen upright.Alice’s face appeared above her name; two missed call notifications appeared below.“Oh dear, I fear we’re needed.But, Henry, please do—”

Reaching past her, he touched the Accept button and pushed welcome into his voice.“Alice!Is there good news from the forest?”

“Henry!”Pink-cheeked beneath her red knit hat, her hair tumbling past her coat collar, Alice grinned at him.“Jay has a handful of selections if you’re ready to review them, Mother.”

The image flipped, revealing Jay beside a healthy-looking evergreen of some sort, game-show hostess flair in the fluid sweep of his arms.

“I would be absolutely delighted.”Mother pitched her voice louder with the poise of a seasoned socialite calling a room to order.“Tell me what I’ve won, darlings.”

Henry left her to it, pointing toward the boxes at her quizzical glance and miming carrying another.He would, in fact, gather the last of the decorations from storage.After he took a moment in the hallway to mend the fraying edges of his composure.

Alice and Jay’s voices carried, overlapping, joyful and laughing—everything he wanted for them.Mother chimed in with girlish enthusiasm, and he detected no hint of falsity.But the nagging fear lingered that he would miss a crucial moment.He wasn’t privy to her talk therapy sessions in the cardiac program, and she didn’t recount them afterward as Jay eagerly did.She’d been concealing her phone; what else might she be concealing?Need he riffle through her nightstand drawers?

This wasn’t thirty-odd years ago.Circumstances were different now; his mother chatting on a video call with his spouses was clear evidence of that.But knowing and accepting were two separate battles with a gulf between them, and he could force neither mind nor body to cross it.

He toted the final cartons into the music room, waving when Mother swung the phone toward him, projecting merriment he felt only vaguely through the fog.Once the selection was made, he would begin preparations for a robust afternoon tea.Alice and Jay would presumably lunch at the tree farm, and Mother might be coaxed to nibble on something, but tea and cider could be served with a variety of small bites throughout the afternoon and evening as they adorned the tree.

No sooner had Mother ended the call than the doorbell rang.A package, perhaps?Or, good lord, Jay’s sister arriving.Surely Alice would have given him more advance warning than that.

“Henry, will you walk with me?”Mother folded the lap blanket neatly and set it on the seat beside her.“That will be Lina at the door.”

He rushed to her side and offered his arms for balance as she rose.“I’m terribly sorry; I thought I conveyed to her that we had things well in hand.”

“You did, darling.I asked her to visit.”

She’d outflanked him again.He’d intended to suggest she nap after lunch while he opened boxes and assembled tea trays.“More phone shenanigans?”

They walked slowly toward the entryway, though with more steadiness than she’d had yesterday.

“If by shenanigans you mean I asked my dearest friend to assist me with showering and washing my hair and other things for our decorating party this evening, then yes.”

Tart as a lemon, and well he deserved it.Mother detested appearing under the weather even when she was.He ought to have arranged for time between errands and bed last night to help her feel herself before Alice and Jay arrived.Though if they’d been able to hire a full-time aide the day before, such basic comforts would have been easily accommodated.“I apologize.It’s lovely that Lina is available to help today.”

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