Page 78 of Season of Gifts

Danny always wanted him to name his feelings, like he could tame them or something.Get them to creep closer and take nuts and seeds from his hand.

“I’m lonely.”

He hadn’t lived alone in almost five years.And that had been—Christ, what a shitshow.Living in his bachelor apartment after college, bouncing off the walls, saying yes to invitations he shouldn’t have just to have somewhere to go and people to be with.He knew better now, but fuck, it was hard to be alone.

Shoving back his chair, he scooped up the card and set it in front of the basket.The corner had crumpled a little.He smoothed it with his fingers.These were keepsakes, memory stones for Alice.He couldn’t be tossing them so carelessly.He was such a—

“Stop it.”

Movement, that’s what he needed.And Danny’s exercise about finding the good in himself.And light.Why was he sitting in the dark?He could light up the whole damn house if he wanted, not just the eensy spotlight over the table.Starting with the tree.

He’d done a damn fine job on the tree.They’d all been wearing their matching wedding rings that day at the farm, and their forester hadn’t said a word about it.He’d invited Jay back anytime to work the rows.And Charlie, Charlie had said he was proud of Jay, in those moments before the ceremony.Someday he’d be as stable and open as Charlie was about being poly and bi and not giving a shit about what other people thought.

Those were good thoughts, good, positive praise-y thoughts.But his chest stayed as cold and empty as the fireplace.

The tree’s cozy yellow-white glow stretched up to the ceiling.They didn’t have anything under their tree yet.He’d gotten gifts for Henry and Alice, but he hadn’t done anything with them.Would they take them to Maine and open them there?If that was his biggest concern, he had life a hell of a lot easier than his spouses.

The hearth bricks were cold.He sat his ass on the hardwood and let the edges cut into his back.The glow from the tree wavered like headlights shining across a puddle.

The night Henry had promised the someday-fire, they’d been at Master Will’s cabin.Alice had tweaked her back.Henry had needed him then.Counted on him to give Alice a show, to help her stop being embarrassed and frustrated.

What he wouldn’t give to be there instead of here.To be pinned down, Henry’s thick cock filling his mouth, heavy on his tongue.To feel helpless and protected at the same time, unafraid to be the real Jay.To look over and see dazed lust in Alice’s eyes, all love and wonder for him and how he was with Henry.

He was helpless now, too.Just unprotected.Life had stalled in this loop of no one wanting or needing the real him, so he could only be outside-Jay, because the people who knew inside-Jay were far away.They didn’t want him where they were.He wasn’t useful to them.

“I tried.”He scrubbed his hands through his hair, digging his nails into his scalp.They were more ragged than usual; he kept them trimmed for Alice because Henry did.Couldn’t have nails catching on sensitive bits.“I can’t fix this on my own.”

Feelings were feelings.That’s what Danny said.They weren’t good or bad, and beating himself up for having them just sucked away his energy, like using the wrong gear on a hill.

He could sit here and wallow until he felt worse, or he could reach out for help.

Chapter forty-one

Alice

Windgustsrattledtherental car.The cold crept in even with the heater on full blast, snaking down into Alice’s coat.Body shaking, she poured all her concentration into her arms, down into her fingers on the steering wheel.

Back to Sioux Falls was a straight shot down the highway.Simple.So easy she’d tested Ollie on this stretch in the pickup, and when they’d hit the city, she’d almost saidlet’s keep going.

But that’s what she did, right?That was her.Alice who ran away from her hurt and pain and anger.Alice who took what she could and got out and never looked back.

She shouldn’t have looked back today.

If she’d trusted her gut in the first place, she never would have returned to that house.This heavy block of ice in her chest was her punishment for trying, and it was so much fucking worse than leaving for college.Things had been better then.Dad was grouchy, hair-trigger, sure, but not so belligerent.And she’d been able to make a difference for Ollie, preparing her for everything she could think of, getting her to focus on the stuff that would give her a way out, too.

She’d done nothing today but make things worse for Mom.Maybe if she went back, visited the diner instead, offered—let’s keep going.No, that was stupid.Mom would reject Alice’s help like she always did.A gal could only offer so many times before she kept her hands to herself so they wouldn’t get bitten off.

The mile markers whipped past in the dark, gleaming in the headlights.Clouds had smothered the stars above her, the world a gray vault above black highway and snowy white fields.A coffin.A burial for the last of her childhood, with her silly shoebox of ornaments riding shotgun with her into the afterlife.

The shaking infected her arms.Her vision blurred, turned oncoming headlights into sprawling supernovas.

She supported Ollie in anything she wanted to do—but not Mom.Could she have made a difference for Mom in the last ten years if she hadn’t been so angry?Mom was never going to leave Dad, and she would never force him out of his self-pity and resentment.Mom would keep being there, day in and day out, putting his needs first, sidelining her daughters, sidelining Jay—

Oh fuck.

Sobs shuddered through her like she might break apart.She yanked her foot off the gas and eased onto the brake.Explaining to Wade why she’d gotten ticketed for reckless driving, twenty-five over the speed limit with snot dripping off her chin, would not be the greatest end to the evening.The shoulder widened ahead in the headlights, a spot where the plow trucks had carved out a sweeping emergency pull-off.

She drifted to a stop and threw the car in Park, folded her arms around her aching middle, and howled.

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