Page 79 of Season of Gifts

Was there a limit to the number of things she could fuck up at once?She’d tried to cut all of these pieces out of herself at eighteen, to leave the emotional push-pull behind, and they kept following her.Forget her own needs—she’d insulated Henry fromJay’sneeds this month the same way she’d handled Ollie’s so Mom could focus on Dad.She hadn’t asked Henry what he’d actually wanted, and she’d wholesale ignored Jay’s perspective because she was so damn certain of her own.She’d forgotten the most basic fucking rules: always be honest, and check in with your partners.

One month in, and she was making her marriage as dysfunctional as her parents’.If she was angry at Henry for choosing his mother over her and Jay, even if her anger was irrational and unhelpful, she should say something.They should have a conversation about what compromises they could make.Like Jay had wanted to do from the start.He’d gotten so good at sharing how he was feeling, and she shut him down again and again, assuming she knew what Henry wanted and needed because she’d been down this road before.Maybe she should be the one in therapy.

Christ, maybe Jay was furious with her, too.She’d chosen work over her husbands.Sure, saying no would’ve tanked her career and maybe cost her the job, but had she talked to them about that?Nope, not her.Not I-handle-shit-myself Alice.Medical crisis in the family and she was suddenly thirteen again, patching things together with breakfast cereal and a fake allowance.

She peeled her forehead from the steering wheel.Tears had pasted her hair to her cheeks.She reached for calm, for Henry’s breathing technique.Hitching sobs interrupted her flow.

Her phone sat in the cradle, the GPS confused by her unwillingness to slip back onto the highway or confirm a traffic slowdown.

Henry would want her to call him.Regardless of whether he was busy getting dinner for his mom right now.Hearing his voice would be enough, even if she had to wait until later tonight for a longer talk.If she could just be angry, and also apologize, and tell him she’d gone off and acted on this maybe-not-so-brilliant idea.If she could feel connected again, cracking up this glacier in her chest would stop hurting so much.

The phone rang before she could reach for it.

No way had Henry felt her distress and given in to an urgent need to call her.But it was sure nice to think—

Jay’s profile picture filled her screen.

She swiped at her eyes.Fuck, fuck, fuck.Washed her face with her coat sleeve like a toddler.Shoved sodden hair behind her ears.Popping on the overhead light, she checked her face in the mirror.

Still a complete shitshow.Like five seconds of primping would erase tear tracks and red eyes and a puffy nose and a trembling chin that couldn’t decide if her mouth was done making awful sounds yet.

But unless it was urgent, Jay would have texted.He needed her.

“Hey, sweetheart, what’s up?”She’d enabled audio only, although his video replaced his static image on her screen.Her voice sounded thick in her ears, but only a little garbled.“Everything okay?”

“I can’t see you.”Fuck, his voice was as thick and wobbly as hers.The video flipped between dim cave and washed-out light show, making his face hard to read.“You sound different.Can you put on your camera?”

“The signal’s weak out here.”She resisted the urge to sniffle.Tissues in the glove box, maybe?She leaned across the seat.“I don’t know if it’ll go through.What’s going on?Are you okay?”

The hitch in his breath splintered what was left of her ribs.“Please don’t lie to me.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”She switched the settings, and the video stabilized.Their red eyes and heavy faces might as well have been twins.Turning her head, she used the tissues she’d discovered.Not like she needed to hide nose-blowing sounds from him now.“I really do have a weak signal.I’m on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.”

Thirty minutes from town hardly counted as nowhere, but it might be as far as cell towers were concerned.

“Did you get a flat?”The camera pulled closer to Jay, as if he’d hugged her to him, his eyes wide and fixed on her.“Are you out of gas?Do you need help?”

If she lied to him now, her marriage was over.That was the choice.Not because it would be a big lie—a polite lie, just a little one, so he would think she was frustrated and crying over something easily fixed and he wouldn’t worry.But their relationship depended on trust.Jay’s trust had been broken over and over again, by so many people in his life.Those polite fictions, they became the thin surface lives people led.And eventually they believed the lie, like they could ignore the massive blizzards and raging infernos going on underneath.

“No, the car’s fine.”She lifted the phone in her hands and rested against the seat.If only the stiff headrest were her pillow at home, where she could wrap Jay in her arms and revel in the heat of his body.Talk to him breath for breath, noses and foreheads touching.Tomorrow.She could have that tomorrow, if she just got through the rest of today first.“It’s me.I’m broken.”

He sucked in a breath.“Is it—did the fix not work?You’re not—you won’t be home—”

“Oh God, sweetheart, no, no.”Fuck, she’d scared him, and she didn’t even know what had upset him enough to call.“The fix is great, and I will be home tomorrow if I have to fucking walk there.”

He snorted, but his face relaxed.“Long walk.I’ll come meet you halfway.”

She could leave things there.Ask him what had gone wrong for him today.But that would still be a lie of sorts.“I, uh…” She clamped her lips together.If anyone would understand, Jay would.“I went to visit my parents, and it didn’t go well.”

His jaw dropped, and he took a long blink.Sweet dark eyes drew together as he tugged his lip with his teeth.“Kinda like my brilliant trip home?”

A tractor-trailer sailed past, rattling in the wind, rocking the little sedan.

“Yeah, about like that.”She had almost no memory of leaving his family’s farm.She’d been standing in the gravel watching Jay disappear, and then she’d been in the car practically trying to claw through Henry to go back for him.“I didn’t exactly get kicked out this time, but I didn’tnotget kicked out.”

No daughter of mine.

She tipped her face up and blinked furiously to drive away the sting.

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