Page 81 of One Final Target

“It will, Jodie. I don’t think either one of us will heal all at once. I think it will come in stages. At least that’s been true for me.”

“Makes sense to me. I have moments of clarity and then... well, don’t you ever ask why?”

Sam looked at her, understanding in his eyes. “All the time.”

“Do you ever get an answer?”

“Not so far.”

“How do you deal with no answer?”

“I’ve come to a place where I have peace not knowing.”

Jodie chewed on his response for a moment.

“Estella says I’m stuck in that day. I don’t know how to get unstuck.”

“George told me I’m carrying Rick on my shoulders. I don’t know how to put him down.”

“We’re quite a pair.” She turned to study the side of his face. This close, she could see how ugly the scars were. It didn’t matter, she thought. Sam was a solid guy. It should scare her how she was getting so close to him so fast, but it didn’t. Intuitively she felt she could trust him with her life, which she was doing now.

Sam glanced toward Jodie. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“You’re a good cop. Why’d you quit?”

The question caught Jodie off guard more than the question about her parents.

“I tried to go back to work. There were just too many memories. I, uh, you know... I just feel like I let everyone down. Tiny, one of my guys, he physically threw me out of the house and ran back in for the others. I...” She swallowed. It was hard to talk about this.

“Jodie, you couldn’t have saved them. If you’d run back in the house, you’d be dead.”

“At one point I wished I was,” Jodie almost whispered, surprised to be sharing this dark truth.

“Dead?”

Jodie heard surprise in his voice, but he didn’t sound repulsed.

“Yeah. Then my focus changed. I wanted Collins dead.”

“Logical transition. And now?”

“Now I want my balance back. Collins is only one piece of the puzzle. I want a clear resolution to this case, and I want what God wants.”

“Which is probably the wisest desire.”

CHAPTER44

HEARING THE PAIN AND LOSSin Jodie’s voice broke Sam’s heart. It made him realize the truth of his own situation for the hundredth time. He couldn’t have saved Rick.

“Why did you go back to work?” she asked.

“I wanted to. I needed to,” he told her. “I felt like Rick would think I was a loser if I gave up and stayed home and played cripple. We were so competitive, always pushing each other to go higher, faster, farther. If I hadn’t come back, I would have felt like a quitter.”

“Are you glad you came back?”

“Yes. A couple of things have been difficult. Earlier this week I saw someone using Rick’s locker and about had a nervous breakdown.”

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