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Chapter Forty-Seven

Jordan

I was on twenty-four-hour suicide watch in the hospital, while my father waited on a phone call from the residential treatment center in Aspen that he was trying to get me into.

Derek never asked me if I wanted to go there; I was going and that was it. He'd gone as far as saying that I could hate him the rest of my life if it made me feel better, but he was keeping me alive.

I wanted to hate him for it, for taking control of my life like this, but I couldn’t.

Not when he had sat by my beside for the past eighteen hours straight, while I went through the absolute horror of withdrawals.

My mother had stayed for a while, but Derek had given her his house key and sent her home to his place when the vomiting and diarrhea had gotten so bad that I attempted to smash my face against the tank on the back of the toilet.

He stayed, and warded off the doctors and nurses who had insisted I be restrained to my bed.

In the throes of my pain and madness, I could vividly remember Derek saying the words, "Come anywhere near my son with those and I'll shove them up your ass."

When I had ripped my bandages off and tried to open my stiches, he'd held me in his arms, telling me he loved me over and over, until I gave up fighting.

I wasn’t out of the woods yet.

Not even close.

I still wanted to peel the skin off my bones and douse myself in the iciest water I could find, anything to stop the fire tearing through my veins.

But I could think again.

I could comprehend what people were saying to me.

Everything wasn’t so hazy anymore.

And I fucking hated it.

I didn’t want to wake up from this.

I didn’t want tofeel.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

I couldn’t block it out.

I couldn’t keephimout.

Distressed, I got out of my bed, plotting every possible way I could end this once I got into that bathroom and locked the door.

Body trembling, I tried to put one foot in front of the other and failed miserably.

Exhaustion crept through my heart, leaving me with nothing left inside. "Dad," I cried hoarsely as my limbs failed me.

I was done.

All the pain.

The anger.

The hurt.

I couldn’tfeelit anymore.

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