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I allowed myself to lean against him, taking all the comfort he was offering me, allowing him to be my strength in this moment.

When Father McCarthy finished the final part of the service, I watched as Patrick Feely stepped up to the microphone the priest had been using and gently strummed on the guitar strapped to his chest. Father McCarthy had asked if there was a song we would like to be played during the service, and Johnny had mentioned to Darren that his friend played the guitar and would be honored to play for us. With the help of Feely, Darren had picked some lovely songs for the ceremony but it was Joey who had chosen the song to be played when Mam was being lowered into the ground. He was adamant that it had to be that specific song.

When Feely began to sing the words of Live’s “Lightning Crashes,” his voice so beautiful and haunting, the lyrics so cutting and deep, I lost the battle with my emotions. Knowing that Joey had chosen this song for Mam made it almost unbearable to hear. The pain in my heart was too much to handle.

“I can’t—” Crying hard and ugly, I spun around and buried my face in Johnny’s chest, unable to watch Joey and Darren slowly lower her into the ground. “I can’t do it!”

“I’ve got you, baby,” Johnny whispered, wrapping me up in his arms. “I’m right here.”

“No! The worms… It’s too dark! Stop! Mammy…Mammy, no!” Ollie started to scream so loudly that I jerked away from Johnny with the intention of cuddling him, but he pushed his way through the crowd and ran straight for Mr. Kavanagh. Crouching down, Johnny’s father lifted Ollie into his arms and quickly walked him away from the grave and back toward the gates to where Mrs. Kavanagh was standing with Sean.

My brothers carefully lowered Mam into the ground and then blessed themselves. Sobbing hard, Darren walked straight over to Alex. Like he had when she was alive, Joey remained right by our mother’s side, staring into the hole in the ground that would be her final resting place. A lone teardrop fell from his cheek, and I watched it as it disappeared into the grave with her.

Patrick finished his song, and the crowd of mourners slowly scattered away until it was just a few of our close friends remaining.

Sniffling, Tadhg walked over to where Joey was standing and placed his hand in his. Never taking his eyes off the grave, Joey draped an arm around our little brother and pulled him in to his chest. “You have to go, Joe,” Tadhg told him. “Those guys are waiting down at the gates with John and Edel to take you to the hospital.”

“I’m, uh…” Clearing his throat, Joey patted Tadhg’s head. “You go on with Darren. I just need some time.”

“But you have to go now—”

“Come on, Tadhg,” Darren cut him off gently as he led him away from Joey. “Give him a minute.” Squeezing Joey’s shoulder, he whispered, “I’ll be up to see you as soon as you’re allowed visitors.”

“Come back, okay?” Sniffling, Tadhg wrapped his arms around Joey’s waist. “Get better and come back to us, you fucker.”

“Yeah.” Joey nodded weakly. “That’s the plan, kid.”

“He’s going to get better,” Darren told them. “You are. You can do this, Joey Lynch. You’re the strongest, most headstrong person I’ve ever known in my life.”

“Just take him, Darren—” Exhaling a ragged breath, Joey dropped his head. “I can’t do this with them here.”

Without another word, Darren led a crying Tadhg away from the grave.

“Joe,” I croaked out, tears dripping down my cheeks as I clung to my boyfriend. “I don’t want you to—”

“Don’t say it, Shan,” he begged, tearing his gaze off the grave to look at me. “If you say those words, I won’t be able to. And Ireallyneed to do this—” His voice cracked and he dragged in a sharp breath before turning his bloodshot gaze on Johnny. “Kavanagh, can you do me a favor and look after—”

“Consider it done, lad,” Johnny replied gruffly, tightening his hold on me. “No worries.”

Aoife, who had been standing to the side silently observing everything, stepped forward then. Without a word, she walked right up to my mother’s grave, dropped a single red rose inside, and turned around to face my brother.

“I told you not to come,” he told her, trembling.

“And I told you to save your breath,” she replied, tipping her chin up to face him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he choked out, shaking his head. “You know it’s not good—”

“I don’t care,” she cut him off by saying. “Now put your arms around me and hold me like you’re not going to see me for another three months.”

“Jesus—” Shuddering, Joey pulled her close and rested his forehead against hers. “You don’t wait, do you hear me?” Sniffling, he cupped her cheeks in his trembling hands and looked into her eyes. “You live your life, okay?”

“You shut up, Joey Lynch,” she sobbed, gripping his sides. “I love you.”

“You shut up, Aoife Molloy,” he shot back gruffly and pressed a kiss to her brow. “I love you, too.”

“I’ll be here when you get out,” she told him.

“Don’tbe here,” he choked out. “Be somewhere better.”

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