Page 300 of Keeping 13

“We’re nearly there,” I whispered in Joey’s ear when one of our father’s sisters wailed particularly loudly as the priest sprinkled holy water on our parents’ coffins. “Another little bit and we’re done.”

Joey nodded stiffly, never once taking his eyes off the photograph of Mam that was sitting on top of her coffin.

Trembling, I leaned back, seeking the comfort of the hand hooked under the back of my seat and stroking my side. I knew in my heart that the only reason I was managing to hold it together was the boy who was sitting in the pew directly behind mine. Every instinct inside of me was demanding I climb over the pew and seek comfort in my boyfriend’s arms, but I held firm, staying strong for my brothers.

When the mass ended and my father’s family stood up to shoulder his coffin out of the church with the second priest on the alter, I reached down and gripped Johnny’s hand tightly, needing the connection to build up enough courage to hold my ground. All six of us remained seated and turned our heads away, refusing to watch as our mother’s killer was shouldered away by his friends and relatives.

The emotions I was desperately trying to wrangle in got the better of me and a pained sob tore from my throat, but then I felthimright behind me. I heard the words “You can do this” in my ear as his lips brushed against my earlobe. Nuzzling my cheek with his nose, he whispered, “I promise.”

Shuddering, I nodded and pressed his hand to my chest, clutching it so tightly that it had to be uncomfortable for him—he clearly had to kneel behind me in order to give me so much of his arm—but I couldn’t physically let him go. Not when I’d already lost so much today.

Finally, whenhewas gone, and it was our mother’s turn to be shouldered from the church, I watched Darren and Joey rise to their feet. Everyone was crying behind us, sobbing quietly as my mother’s two eldest children carefully removed her picture from her coffin and handed it to Father McCarthy, before folding the pall and returning that to him, too. But then Darren and Joey just stood there, staring at our mother’s coffin, looking completely lost, with tears dripping down their cheeks.

Exhaling a shaky breath, I let go of Johnny’s hand and stood up. Keeping my back straight, I walked up to my brothers and whispered, “What’s wrong?”

“We need six people to carry her,” Darren whispered back. “I didn’t think—” He shook his head and sniffled. “I don’t know what to do…”

Everyone in the jam-packed church was staring at us. Some in confusion. Most in pity.

“Johnny?” Darren called out in a hoarse voice, turning his attention to my boyfriend, who was sitting next to Aoife in the second row and pulling faces at Sean.

Snapping his attention to us, Johnny straightened up, looking like he’d been caught red-handed doing something he wasn’t supposed to. “Yeah?”

“Will you shoulder our mother with us?”

Clearly taken aback, Johnny sank back in his seat. “Are you sure?” His uncertain blue eyes flicked from me to Joey before settling on Darren. “You wantme?”

“There would be four more coffins up here if you hadn’t done what you did,” Darren replied, gesturing to our brothers and me. “We want you, and she would want you, too.”

Emotions flooded Johnny’s eyes and he quickly rose to his feet. He didn’t have his jacket on, just his white shirt and tie, as he stumbled out of the pew and walked up to stand beside me at the side of my mother’s coffin.

Our aunt’s husband walked over to us then, shaking hands with Darren, just before Alex, who’d driven down from Belfast on Saturday, joined us in front of the altar. “I’ll stand with you, baby,” he whispered in Darren’s ear. Ignoring the priest who was giving them a peculiar look, my brother’s beautiful boyfriend leaned in and kissed Darren right on the lips. “Always.”

Darren sniffled and gripped Alex’s hand. “We just need one more.”

“Gussie,” Joey said shakily, pointing to Gibsie, who was sitting in the third row with our friends. “I need a favor, lad.”

“Say no more, buddy.” Gibsie rose from his pew and walked straight up to Joey. “Gussie’s here,” he said, patting him on the shoulder.

Trembling, I returned to Tadhg and Ollie, clasping their hands tightly in mine as the undertakers carefully raised her coffin onto their shoulders and then quickly reorganized the boys by height before giving them the go-ahead.

Father McCarthy walked down the aisle and everyone got to their feet. With their arms banded around each other, Darren and Joey shouldered our mother’s coffin from the front, with Alex and Michael in the middle, and Johnny and Gibsie at the back.

Sobbing quietly, I trailed after the coffin as they slowly walked my mother out of the church and into the glorious sunshine in the adjoining cemetery. “Sean,” I mumbled to Tadhg when we stepped outside. “Oh, god, we forgot Sean.”

Glancing around me, I looked through the crowds, frantically searching for my baby brother, only to find him a few feet behind me swinging happily between Johnny’s parents, blissfully unaware of the fact that we were about to lay his mother to rest. My eyes landed on Aoife then and her golden hair as it blew around her face in the light summer breeze. She wasn’t looking at me. Her entire focus was on my brother as she watched him like he was a precious jewel that could vanish at any moment.

“Mammy,” Ollie sobbed, burying his face in my side.

“Shh. It’s okay.” I tore my gaze from Aoife and wrapped my arm around his small shoulders, holding him to my side, keeping Tadhg’s hand firmly in my other hand. I continued to walk us after the coffin, keeping my eyes trained on Johnny’s white shirt—the only white shirt in a sea of dark jackets.

When we reached the freshly dug grave in the far corner of the graveyard, I watched numbly as they shifted my mother onto the boards next to the plot. Wordlessly, Joey and Darren returned to stand beside us as Father McCarthy continued to pray over my mother’s grave.

Johnny was standing so close behind me that I could smell his aftershave and feel the light movement of his shirt against my back as he breathed in and out.

Slow and steady. In and out.

Thump, thump, thump.

---