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Dear Jesus, save me. Please save me from this fucking woman…

“How’s the man of the moment?” Gibsie’s familiar voice filled my ears, giving me a much-needed reprieve from the woman hovering around me like a bleeding helicopter.

“Alright, lad,” I replied, locking eyes on the blond eejit who had been my best friend and partner in crime since childhood as he stood in the doorway of my hospital room.

“Good morning, Gerard,” Mam greeted happily. “Did you have a nice sleep, love? I left a fresh change of clothes outside your door this morning—” Mam paused and gave Gibsie a quick once-over before smiling in approval. “Ah good, you found them. The beige goes lovely with your complexion, pet.”

“I did, Mammy K,” he replied with a butter-wouldn’t-melt smile. “You’re too good to me.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Well, I’ll leave you two boys to it. Give you a chance to catch up.” Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, Mam strolled over to the door, where she received a kiss on the cheek from Gibsie. “I’ll be in the canteen if you need me.”

“I love that woman,” Gibsie announced when Mam was gone.

I narrowed my eyes. “Forks make good weapons, you know.”

“She’s so fucking—”

“You’ll have no eyes left in your head if you finish that sentence,” I warned, yielding my cutlery like a weapon.

Gibsie chuckled. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got mowed down by a truck on Friday night,” I grumbled, lowering my fork.

“That good, huh?”

“Don’t start, Gibs.” Relaxing my shoulders, I grabbed a sausage and took a bite. “I’m in a shit ton of pain and feel like I haven’t slept in a month. I can’t do humor today.”

“Well, at least your appetite is still intact,” he offered, eyeing the huge plate of rashers, sausages, and toast I was inhaling.

“Don’t judge me,” I grumbled. “I took a knife to the balls for this.” Swallowing a mouthful of pork, I reached for a rasher. “I deserve the grease.”

He grimaced. “Fair point.”

“Yeah,” I deadpanned. “I know.”

“So?” he asked, eyeing me with barely contained excitement. “Would you say that you’re back to your full senses now?”

I shrugged. “Unfortunately.”

Gibsie nodded. “And your heart?”

I narrowed my eyes. “What about it?”

“It’s not going boom, boom, fucking boom today?”

“No,” I replied slowly, knowing I was somehow walking myself into a trap but clueless as to how. “It’s fine.”

“Excellent,” he replied. “Because I’ve been sitting on more material than I can handle. It’s burning a hole inside of me, lad. Seriously, I can’t sleep at night with the excitement. Waiting for you to come down from your buzz was like waiting for Christmas morning—and you know how much I love Christmas, Cap.”

For fuck’s sake.

“Come on.” Waving a hand, I gestured him inside. “Get it over with.”

Clearly delighted with life, Gibsie barreled into the room, not stopping until he was sitting on the foot of my bed. Clearing his throat, he said, “Before I start, I need to ask your preferences on where we should hold your stag party.”

I gaped at him. “What?”

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