Page 108 of Is It Casual Now?

Jamie nodded as she tried to process how to put into words all the reasons.

“Stop overthinking it and just tell me. It’s okay, whatever the answer is.” Siena’s voice was so kind.

“You can’t know that until you know the answer,” Jamie argued.

“I can,” Siena argued right back. “Because no matter what the answer is, I’d still love you, and so that means it’s all okay.”

“You just love using that word, don’t you?” Jamie teased playfully, a smirk on her lips before she lifted the cup once more. This time it was no tentative sip. She gulped down half of what remained as though it might give her the strength to explain why she couldn’t take the job. “I love that you think I could do it. I love the offer of the job. And the perk of getting to see you every day at work really would be amazing.”

Jamie paused for another sip of the coffee. Siena waited, not butting in but letting Jamie take whatever time she needed to get where she had to go.

“But I can’t do that to us,” Jamie blurted and knew the rest wouldn’t be far behind.

“To us?” Siena asked. “Sorry, please ignore me.”

“I could never ignore you. That’s sort of how we got here.” Jamie smiled.

“True,” Siena conceded.

Jamie couldn't believe in the middle of baring her soul she could find herself feeling safer than she ever had with her walls and her distant bitchiness. Then again, she couldn’t believe she was baring her soul at all—the truth of her fears and all her faults.

“I don’t know that you haven’t offered me this job because I know how to make you scream.” Jamie held up her hand as Siena’s mouth opened. Once Siena smacked her lips back together Jamie continued. “I don’t believe that’s the reason. But others don’t know you, don’t know me, and don’t know us the way we do. And they’ll think it’s the reason. Because I won’t hide the happiest, most fulfilling adventure ofmy life. Because that’s exactly what you are. What we are together.”

Siena looked so confused by that, and Jamie could understand why. “Do you really care so much what people think?”

“Yes and no.” Jamie shrugged. She wasn’t entirely sure. It was so much harder being honest with herself when she had never stopped long enough to examine her actual thoughts and feelings. “But it’s the mosquito effect.”

“The mosquito effect?” Siena looked beyond confused, and Jamie never thought she had seen anything more adorable in her life.

“They are tiny, and so seemingly inconsequential, but the buzz will drive you nuts in the quiet dark of the night. And when they land and bite, you’ll slap yourself silly just to be rid of them. You’ll hurt yourself in order to make them go away.”

“Your mind is magnificent.” Siena leaned in and kissed her cheek.

“Because I love metaphors?” Jamie laughed.

“Because of how you think, how you use words, how you can relate everything to something the majority of the world would understand.” Siena kissed her lightly. “You’re fucking brilliant and I’m pretty sure that you don’t even know it half the time.”

Jamie’s cheeks burned, but a warmth settled into her chest that she was loving feeling. Is this what it was like to be loved? To have her own personal cheerleader through absolutely everything? Jamie could get on board with this, although it’d take some serious getting used to.

“So yeah. If we worked together, everyone would know we’re also together personally because I refuse to hide this.”

“Is that theonlyreason?”

“No.” Jamie could have said yes, and the old Jamie would have. But she was already liking the new Jamie just a little more. “I don’t want a work Siena and a home Siena. I want allof you. I want you to be able to talk to me about things and not worry that I can’t keep my mouth shut or worry that I might change how you or I do something.”

“I trust you.”

“I know. And I trust you, too. But the little things can hurt more than the bigger things. Remember the mosquitoes.” Jamie covered Siena’s hand and squeezed gently before interlacing their fingers. She wasn’t willing to give this up. Not now and maybe not ever.

Siena laughed and took Jamie’s now empty coffee mug out of her hands. When had she finished that? After placing the mug on the bedside table, Siena cupped Jamie’s face in her hands.

“I love you more than I thought it was even possible to do.”

“I love you, too,” Jamie said, peering at Siena through her eyelashes.

“I don’t think I truly realized just how much until now.”

“Because I’m turning down your offer of a job?” That was nearly unbelievable, but Siena had said it, so it must be true. Right?

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