Page 1 of Crashing Without Justice

Prologue

Isat on the edge of the couch, my head in my hands, my eyes glued to my feet. I knew that I could no longer put this off, and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was the least that I deserved for what I was about to do.

I knew this.

Despite the writing on the wall, there’d been a million different ways that I could have handled this, but I’d chosen to let my emotions override logic. Of course, that was usually the case in situations like this one, and while I wasn’t the only man in history to have ever made this grave of a mistake, that didn’t really help me any. My regret was real, but that wasn’t going to matter. I wasn’t the victim here, and nothing that I could say would undo what needed to be done. Plus, the last thing that I was going to do was drag this torture along any further, hurting more people in the process.

Five years ago, I would have punched someone in the face for even suggesting that I would ever cheat on my wife. Five years ago, I’d said words that I’d meant with every piece of my heart. Five years ago, I hadn’t been able to see anything past the lovely woman that’d been standing before me, pledging to love me back forever. Five years ago, I hadn’t been this man, and I never imagined that I would be.

Nevertheless, none of that mattered now. My good intentions no longer existed in light of what I’d done, and things were only going to get worse with what I was about to do next. Now, while it could be argued that I could always just keep my mouth shut, allowing my wife to live in ignorant bliss, this was about more than just stepping out on my marriage. This was about a marriage that already hadn’t been working for a while, and I could admit that the more that I’d seen, the less that I’d been inclined to try to make it work.

Running my hands through my hair, my mistakes felt like waves crashing against my head and chest, and how I wished that I could go back and do this the right way. I should have ended my marriage the second that my commitment had begun to wane. I should have ended my marriage the second that I’d begun to find someone else interesting. In truth, I should have ended my marriage the second that I’d begun to see the oddities for the red flags that they’d been.

I let out a deep breath, determined to pay the price for my sins, knowing that I deserved to carry the burden of what all a divorce was going to entail. Since California was a no-fault state, it’d be easy to just let a judge split everything down the middle, given that it was a short-term marriage anyways, but I wasn’t going to do that to her. As far as I was concerned, she could have the house and the things that mattered the most to her. As long as she was reasonable enough to split the cash down the middle to allow me to live decently during our divorce, I was more than willing to roll over on everything else.

Running my hands down my thighs, I tried to concentrate on the positives of this shitshow. With us both being in our forties, neither of us had wanted any more children, so I considered that a huge plus. She had two from her first husband, and I had one son from my first wife, and that’d been enough. We’d been fine with our blended family, and I was holding onto that small blessing like a lifeline. No small children’s lives were going to be disrupted by our divorce, and that would also help with a clean break.

My head snapped up as I heard the garage door open, and all my practiced speeches vanished from my brain like delicate whispers. The words were a jumbled mess on my tongue, and while I knew what I wanted to say, I had no idea how to get it out. I had no idea how to say the words that were going to break this woman’s heart, and my stomach felt almost violent with the acidic bile threatening to come up.

You’re not the fucking victim here, Harding.

I could also admit that I was a bit fearful of what her reaction was going to be. While she couldn’t do me any real physical damage, I was aware of those red flags now. I saw them, and now that I knew them for what they really were, her reaction to my infidelity could be anything. My biggest fear would be that she’d harm herself, but I didn’t think that narcissists were really big on self-harm. Still, her addiction to attention could be the exception to the rule.

At any rate, as soon as I heard the kitchen door open and shut, I stood up, then worked like hell to calm my nerves. Granted, I didn’t think that anything could help with that, but I had to try something before I threw up all over the hardwood floors.

“Oh, there you are,” Paige greeted as she set a grocery bag on the kitchen counter. “I know you said you wanted rib-eyes for dinner tonight, but you’ve already had too much red meat this week.”

Seriously, high cholesterol was the least of my concerns right now.

Chapter 1

Harding~

The television was on, but only so that the silence didn’t drive me crazy. Yeah, my phone was going off with calls and text messages, but I wasn’t ready to speak to anyone just yet. My emotions were still riding high, and I just didn’t want to say anything that could get misconstrued, making this situation worse than it already was. I also didn’t want to add to the gossip mill, considering that her family and friends were probably assassinating my character at this very moment.

When I’d told Paige to leave the groceries alone, she had immediately begun to argue with me about not having any time to waste on dinner. She had committed herself to helping a friend afterwards, so whatever I’d had to say could wait. However, instead of catering to her wants as had been the norm in our marriage, I had put my foot down, forcing her to listen to me.

The scene had been one that was never going to leave my mind, but I could only chalk that up as part of my penance. When I’d first met Paige, as we’d gotten to know each other, she’d been open and vulnerable about her first marriage, so I’d known how I’d been about to add to her already damaged baggage. Of course, looking back, I only knew what she’d told me, and it sucked that I was questioning the validity of everything that she’d ever said now.

Nonetheless, the look on Paige’s face when I’d whispered my confession was one that should never be put on a woman’s face. I had hurt her terribly, though she hadn’t seemed surprised by my horrible announcement. Pain and resignation had appeared in her dark brown eyes at first, but then they’d been quickly masked by anger as the details had come pouring out.

I also hadn’t lied about any of it; I’d told her who, when, where, and why. Trying my hardest to take responsibility for what I’d done, I hadn’t wanted her plagued by unanswered questions, so I’d done my best to tell her everything that she might want to know. Of course, when I’d told Trista that I was going to finally confess to Paige, I had warned her that I’d be revealing her name, which might cause issues for her later. Luckily, Trista was also about taking responsibility for what we’d done to my wife, so she’d been fine with my plans to confess everything.

Reaching over towards the nightstand, I grabbed one of the complimentary waters that had come with the suite, cracked it open, then drank most of it in one swallow. Hours later, my hands were still unsteady as my new reality sunk in. I’d thought the hardest part was going to be in admitting that I had cheated on Paige, but it hadn’t been. The hardest part had been when Paige had suggested church and counseling to get us past this hurdle, knowing that I couldn’t let her believe in that hope. I’d had to admit that my feelings for Trista weren’t a passing thing, and that I couldn’t see us moving past my infidelity because there was so much more wrong with our marriage than just what I’d done.

That’s when anger had finally made its appearance, and while I’d been expecting it, I hadn’t expected her to immediately lock herself in our bedroom, then go on social media to announce my transgressions. I had expected her to scream at me, throw things at me, and even throw a few punches. I had expected us to fight an ugly fight, hearing her call me every name in the book. I’d been expecting tears of pain and rage, and her possibly taking a bat to everything that I owned. In fact, I’d been prepared for the destruction and had also been ready to take it as part of my punishment. However, I hadn’t expected her to take this public so quickly. I had expected some private heartbreak before letting the entire internet in on our drama.

Still, it was hard to fault her for how she was choosing to work through her pain. While posting things on social media wasn’t my choice in how to handle things, I knew that I had to step back from this and allow her to deal with her pain in whichever way she needed. Again, I wasn’t the victim here, and so far, her posts were nothing but vague references to something emotionally upsetting.

It also wasn’t going to matter after it was all said and done. Our marriage was over, and it wasn’t going to be long before all our family and friends knew about it. Even if Paige was willing to forgive me, there was no going back for me now. She wasn’t the person that I’d said my vows to, and while I wasn’t sure whose fault that was, that didn’t change that I was no longer in love with her.

Or who I’d thought she’d been.

When I’d first met Paige, I’d been enchanted. I’d met her quite by chance, but her kindness and consideration had blown me away in a world where so many people were about themselves. Her enthusiasm for helping people had been enough to stop me in my tracks, wondering where this incredible creature had come from. Humans were no longer geared to help others first, so she had really stood out among everyone else at the facility.

My company had been contracted for some electrical repairs at Serenity Manor, a retirement community in the city of Wakefield, CA. While we’d been working, I had noticed Paige keeping company with one of the residents, and her interaction with him had been enough to distract me. She’d been caring, engaging, and had really seemed interested in the man’s stories and concerns. While the other employees had merely been present, Paige hadn’t come across that way.

So, for two weeks, I had watched her treat the residents with the utmost respect, treating them like she would treat her own grandparents. In those two weeks, I hadn’t ever seen her lose her patience with anyone, nor had her smile ever faltered. Two weeks later, I had finally asked her out, convinced that she was one in a million.

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