Page 37 of Still Falling for You

I press my lips together until they feel numb. ‘What does that have to do with my money?’

A sullen expression forces itself onto his features. Did he really expect sympathy from me? He sits up in his seat, his backramrod straight.

‘We can’t afford it right now. Maybe we can revisit this discussion next year?’ He sounds a degree less assured.

‘That’s not acceptable.’ His posture changes with my answer. He pulls himself to his feet, playing the height game, but I’m not going to stoop so low as to stand up.

‘I liked Eva’s cashmere jumper and her Timberland boots.’

He glowers at me. ‘You’ve always been mean-spirited. I shouldn’t have expected sympathy from you.’ He inhales deeply. ‘You always look down on people, thinking you’re better than everyone else.’ I try to interject because that’s not true, but he doesn’t give me a chance. ‘Finally, you’re showing your true colours. Casually drinking your coffee with some bloke you probably found and shagged five minutes after we split up. You are your daddy’s girl, after all.’

That is the lowest blow he could have dished out and it lands right smack in the middle of my chest. I go light-headed, and my vision starts swimming. The inside of my mouth feels like sandpaper. I feel so exhausted I can’t muster a single word.

Judging by the determined glint in his eyes, Aaron’s ready to give me some more.

‘I would be very careful about what you say next,’ Alex warns coolly, managing to loom over Aaron. He crosses his long arms in front of him in a casual stance, but his face is impregnable permafrost. My mind goes completely blank.

‘Who are you to be telling me what to do?’ Aaron barks. Either he’s brave or he’s an idiot. I would bet on the second.

Alex is nothing but calm when he answers, ‘That’s none of your business.’

Aaron measures his options but comes up short because Alex gives out raw male energy whereas Aaron just looks pathetic.

Alex finishes with a carefully enunciated, ‘Now, you’re standing in my way. I suggest that you move and take your bimbo with you.’

I cough in surprise at his wording, so unlike Alex.

Before Aaron flips his lid, I implore, ‘Just go.’ I hate the defeated tone in my voice, but it propels Aaron to spin on his heel and leave.

From the corner of my eye, I see my ex walking towards Eva who has just come out of the toilets. He whispers something in her ear at which she grimaces, and they both exit the café without a single backwards glance.

I slump in my seat, feeling drained, like I’ve just finished a double Les Mills session. My head is swirling with a myriad of emotions firing into each other, causing a chemical reaction similar to Mentos mixed with cola.

Alex seats himself opposite me with deep indignation in his usually stoic expression. Looking like golden dust, all his freckles stand out against the paleness of his complexion. I take a gulp of coffee to ease my swollen throat.

For a long moment, we sit there in silence, neither of us feeling the need to fill it with small talk. Even though I do feel the need to fill it with profanities. I have an inkling that Alex is giving me space to process what has just happened. I’m starting to gather that despite the thick layer of ice and hostility, Alex is actually a decent human being underneath. Then the past floods in and sweeps over my newly acquired idea of Alex, and his image warps and tarnishes like silver in humidity.

Unaware of my emotional turmoil, Alex curses, ‘What a scumbag.’ Abandoning his coffee, he studies me solemnly. ‘I’m sorry. That was very inconsiderate of me.’

‘But apt – that was a very accurate assessment of Aaron’s character.’ Something gave in within me after his offer of truce yesterday and now I cannot rebuild the walls I so carefully put up around myself. ‘Shame I didn’t reach the same conclusion when I met him five years ago.’

He looks nonplussed at my forthcoming comment, but my openness must unlock something within him, too, becausehe says, ‘I presume he’s the reason why your current address didn’t match the original paperwork?’ I nod.

He considers this before he’s ready to continue. ‘I want you to know that what I am going to say next is meant in good faith, not condescending or dismissive as it will probably come out as. I know that we don’t exactly have a good track record of communicating effectively or understanding what the other person is trying to say.’ That’s a mild way of putting it, I think to myself. ‘He did you a favour by doing what I think he did and you discovering the truth because otherwise you’d still be stuck with him and not know any better.’

Alex has always been pragmatic and said things how they were. The past and present merge together and become entwined and blurred.

Something that got broken inside me with Aaron cheating has been mended over the past two months without me noticing. I feel brand-new, reborn and raw at the same time, whole but ready to be hurt all over again. I’m a kintsugi vessel, all the broken fragments of me fused together with veins of gold. Looking at the man in front of me, unbearable vulnerability hijacks my entire being.

A peculiar fragile sensation balloons in my chest. I could fall apart with a single word. With paralysing fear, I realise I want this version of Alex to be the real Alex. I get a sudden need to run, to escape him and then run some more to dodge my crashing epiphany.

Exasperation lances my insides at being caught in Alex’s trap once again, and the last thing I want right now is his pity. Before I say something I might regret, I start gathering my things.

‘I need to go.’ I’m a trapped animal.

‘What?’ He looks genuinely puzzled at my sudden one-eighty turn. He follows my movements as I zip up my bag and slide it over my shoulder.

‘Whoa. What have I done?’ He stands up abruptly, making the chair scrape in his wake. I don’t see what he does next because self-preservation makes me storm out of the café.

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