Page 14 of Under Your Care

“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry I couldn’t do it,” I said, disappointed in myself. “Umm… It wasn’t bad, I just– I’m not used to being so close to someone like that and– I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, nothing to worry about,” he said tenderly, reaching out a hand to ruffle my hair. I unconsciously began to lean into his touch. When he gazed into my eyes, I felt like he was reaching deep inside, soothing my anxiety. He removed his hand and clapped it against his thigh. “Are you okay to continue? I wanted to talk a bit about your social life.”

I breathed deeply, feeling settled once more. “Yes, I’m okay,” I assured him.

He gave me a small nod and opened up his leather-bound notebook. “Good. So, you have Oliver as a platonic friendship, and your parents as familial support. Do you have any other friends or good acquaintances? Classmates that you get coffee with– that sort of thing?”

“Not really. Oliver is the only person I’d consider a friend. I guess I talk to people in class but besides from group projects, I don’t really spend time with them. I know a lot of people, I just don’t really feel like furthering any of those relationships,” I shrugged.

“You don’t feel like it or you’re scared of their rejection?” I thought about his question, finding two different answers.

“When I was younger, I was afraid of rejection. Afraid that if they found out about… everything… that they’d be disgusted in me. I was scared of destroying my safe haven. Especially when the abuse was actively happening, school was really the only place he couldn’t reach me. I wanted to be a regular kid, notthat gay kid that sucks his cousin’s dick…” Dr. Cohen’s jaw clenched. “I can’t remember feeling that way in adulthood, though. I feel like my social needs are taken care of. Oliver is my designated friend, my parents are supportive from afar, keeping in touch and paying for school. The only role I feel is missing is a boyfriend.”

Dr. Cohen spoke gently, watching my expressions, “Do you think that feeling like you don’t need anyone else could be a trauma response? I believe you when you say that you genuinely don’t feel the need, but I also think that your brain learned during a very impressionable age that in order to be safe, you need to be alone. It’s possible that it’s been so deeply ingrained that your conscious mind tells you that you don’t feel lonely and don’t care about being rejected, while not understandingwhy.”

I frowned, picking at the skin around my nails. I responded, “I guess I get that. But if my conscious mind doesn’t have an issue with it, why would it need to change?”

“Think about it this way. Your subconscious is that ten-year-old boy. He’s confused and scared. He’s the one who’s lonely. He’s been trappedbehind an unbreakable wall of ice for eleven years. Your consciousness is your current self. Because it’s been so long, you’ve stopped wondering what’s behind that wall. Maybe you used to even talk through the wall, comforting the boy. But, as the years went on and you grew up and he stayed the same, you gradually stopped talking to him, stopped hearing him, eventually forgetting he was even there. But he is there. And in order to truly heal, that ice needs to melt in order to set that boy free.”

He continued, “During our first session, you said that it wasn’t that hard to talk about your trauma. But, I don’t think you’ve been talking aboutyourtrauma. I think you did last session and that’s why you had such an emotional response. That’s why during that first session, for most of your story, you seemed detached, like you were describing it happening to someone else. There were some points where that boy was pounding on the ice, letting his emotions shine through, causing you to choke up. Why I keep telling you how much progress you made during our last session is because you were actually confronting your real emotions regarding the abuse.”

I picked a piece of imaginary lint off of my skirt before inhaling and flatly said, “It’s easier having hardly any feelings at all rather than being crushed under their weight.”

Dr. Cohen nodded sadly, leveling me with his gaze. “Isn’t it hard always holding back?” He murmured.

“Well, yeah. But, I’d rather feel numb than devastated and angry.”

“Hmm,” he hummed. “It would hurt greatly to address your repressed emotions - true - but once you did, you wouldn’t have to feel that pressure any longer. I have a feeling this is why you’ve been struggling with arousal.”

If only he knew I’d been getting horny in his presence. Actually, maybe he’d have an explanation.

“What if I’ve not been having that issue around someone?”

He stilled, and when he looked at me, his eyes were devoid of any of hisusual warmth.

“Who?” He gritted out.

“Just someone. It doesn’t matter. I just want to know what the absence of my issue around him means.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose before taking a long inhale and exhale. When he met my eyes again, his were no longer empty, but instead felt…off somehow. He spoke slowly and carefully, “I suppose that would mean you allow yourself to be more open with this man. You feel comfortable and safe with him.”

“Oh,” I whispered.

“Are you in a relationship with this person?” He questioned, tapping his fingers on his thigh.

“Oh, no. It isn’t like that. It can’t be like that.” I sighed, “I’ve never felt like that with someone. But shouldn’t it mean that I could eventually have that with someone else?” I asked, hope shining through my eyes.

“I see,” he stated. He seemed to be searching for something in my expression before continuing, “I can’t see why you couldn’t.”

“I tried looking for a hookup last night. Maybe instead I could actually be looking for a boyfriend! It would probably take awhile for me to open up, but once I did, I would be able to have a normal relationship, right?” I excitedly pondered, thinking of all the fun things I could do with a partner. I could finally go on a first date!

He cleared his throat, drawing my attention back to him. His voice was strange, robotic almost, as he spoke, “In theory, yes, you should be able to have a perfectly normal relationship. Only if you address your trauma though.”

I nodded, a small smile on my face. It’d be hard, but thenIcould be hard! I giggled in excitement, which finally gave some of Dr. Cohen’s warmth back.

“Don’t think you can magically stop coming to therapy now,” hechided.

I laughed, “I know, I know! I’m just excited.”

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