Page 78 of It Should Have Been Me

“Stood a miner, forty-niner, and his daughter, Clementine. Have you ever heard of that song?”

“No.”

“Well, allow me to edumacate you,” Tommy says, still keeping the accent. “In 1949, there was a gold rush which saw an influx of people into California, all of them looking to get rich quick. Those prospectors, the gold-diggers, are now affectionately known as the forty-niners.”

JP lets that sink in. “So, you think she’s just with him...for the money?”

“Yep,” Scott replies without hesitation. “I think so. It’s probably not the only reason she’s with him, but she’s staying with him because her dad kicked her out, so I think it plays a big part.”

“I don’t.” I take a sip of water. “They seem like they get along well, and it looks like she genuinely likes Peter. And most of all, I’m glad he’s decided to see someone on more than one occasion.”

“I don’t think it will last much longer,” Tommy offers. “It’s all about the challenge for Pete, so he’s gonna get bored soon and probably dump her.”

“Maybe he’ll be different this time,” JP says. “He seemed...how do you say it? Into her? Yes, he seemed into her?”

Tommy laughs. “I guess being French does make you a romantic at heart. But the truth is Peter has had his share of forty-niners, so he doesn’t trust the intentions of most women. He’s basically given up on trying to find love because he doesn’t believe the perfect woman exists. She can’t keep the charade up for long and eventually he’ll see what we’re seeing.”

“That’s a little sad.” JP looks over at Scott. “What about you? Have you found the perfect woman?”

For a moment, Scott falters. His composed exterior crumbles and his raw pain shows instead. “I thought I did once...but I think I may be with Peter on this one. The perfect woman doesn’t exist. They’re all the same. Like roses. Beautiful and flawless at first glance, but nothing really sets them apart. One rose is just like another, so theoretically, that means they’re all replaceable.”

JP’s chuckle is mildly condescending. “But a woman is not a rose, Scott. I agree that the beauty and perfection of a rose lie at surface level. The color and shape of the petals, the way they spread when it blooms. But a woman’s beauty goes far deeper. It lies within. You don’t see it, youfeelit...in the way she holds you, kisses you, makes love to you. It’s in her tears, her anger, her vulnerability. It’s in the beauty spot located in the oddest place, a crooked tooth you can only see when she smiles. It’s in the stretch marks on her skin after she has your baby. But in saying all that, maybe you and your friend, Peter, are right. The perfect woman doesn’t exist because, unlike a rose, a woman’s perfection lies in her imperfection.”

Scott stares at him for a long time. Apart from a tight jaw, his face is expressionless, and I have no idea what he’s thinking.

“You know, JP, there have been a few times in my life when my ignorance has been laid bare. This is one of those times. You and I are very different. You’re creative and aloof. I suppose because you paint, your eyes catch details that the rest of us don’t necessarily see. I, on the other hand, am logical, analytical. I will break things down, deconstruct them to a granular level until it makes sense to me...yet nothing, not even all the number crunching I’ve done, could’ve prepared me for that answer.”

I see it then. From that small interaction, I can conclude that this wedding would’ve been drama-free if I didn’t fuck up so badly because JP and Scott, despite their differences, actually get along really well.

“Maybe being so analytical has also made you cynical.” JP lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “I can only hope that one day you’re as lucky as me to find theperfectwoman.”

Scott slams his hand on the table harder than necessary as he stands up, startling all of us. “Let’s hope,” he grinds out. “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am going to head home and get some beauty sleep. Big day tomorrow. Thank you for a wonderful evening.”

Tommy stands up, too. I don’t think he had any intention of leaving, but he’s probably trying to make Scott’s swift exit seem believable. “Scott’s right. It’s late. I’m going to get my beauty sleep in, too.”

We watch them leave before JP turns to me. “Your friend Scott is a little intense.”

Despite all the crazy emotions running amok inside me, I force a smile. “You notice it more because you’re so laid back, Bon-bon.”

“I find it a little strange, though. The two of you seem to know each other quite well. How come you’ve never mentioned him before?”

Because you asked me to leave my past in the past. That’s what I want to say, but shrug instead. “I guess...the topic of him never came up.”

“I think he has a crush on you.”

My eyes widen, and I look at the table so I don’t give anything away. “What makes you say that?”

“Just the way he looks at you. He stares at you all the time. Do you not notice that?”

No, I stopped noticing that years ago. It’s a personality trait of his now. I dated him for four and a half years. I must’ve just gotten accustomed to it somewhere along the way.

“No, I haven’t noticed. I’m sure you’re just reading too much into it.”

I let out a deflated sigh. I’ve wanted to tell JP about Scott for the last two days, not about me cheating just yet, but I wanted to tell him that we used to date like I promised Keith I would. I had prepped myself to do it tonight but now I’ve lost the balls to come clean because after this conversation with JP, admitting the truth is going to open up a whole can of worms. He’ll notice the ring on my finger. He’ll realize that what Scott’s feeling is more than just a crush. And then he’ll start asking questions and I’ll cave, burst into tears, and tell him everything. The ticking bomb will detonate all over my sister’s special day, and she’ll never forgive me.

But on the flip side of that is me pretending that everything is fine, even though I feel like the most despicable human being. I have to hold my head up high and look Scott in the eye even though I can’t bear to witness the pain he’s going through because of me. And then afterward, I still have to own up to my mistakes and tell JP what happened. When all this is over, I would’ve broken the hearts of the two men I care most about. They’ll both hate me, and I’ll be left miserable and alone. If I’m truly honest with myself, that’s exactly what I deserve.

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