Page 32 of It Should Have Been Me

He places the bowl of popcorn on the floor, and in one swift motion, I’m on my back and he’s on top of me. My breath hitches for a few reasons. The sudden movement that got me beneath him. The feel of the bare skin of his chest meeting my palms. And the bulge that provocatively presses against me at just the right spot. I know I should tell him to get off me, but I reason with myself that it’s just Scott being the douche that he is. He’s trying to push his boundaries the same way he used to, but I know he won’t try anything.

This playful banter is as far as this interaction will go. And itisplayful. I’m just going to ignore the overwhelming urge I have to slide my hand down his rock-hard abs and into his sweatpants. I’m just going to pretend that I’m not having fleeting thoughts of that sexy mouth all over my body. And I’m not going to pay any attention to the moisture pooling between my thighs when I feel his cock throb against me. Those are just minor side effects of this veryplayfulexchange.

Bracing himself on his forearms, he gently brushes my hair back. “So, what’s your body count?”

“Scott, I just like serial killers. I don’t go around actually killing people myself.”

“You know what I meant.”

I do, but this is not a discussion I want to have with Scott. He’s my ex. It’s a little weird. “I thought we were supposed to be paying attention to the movie so we can identify the many loopholes in the plot.”

“C’mon, don’t act like you don’t want to know, too.”

I shift a little because having his body pressed against me is awakening something in me, something I haven’t felt in years. “I don’t care about how many women you’ve slept with since me.”

“Yeah, you do.”

It takes two quick seconds of thinking about it before my curiosity gets the better of me. “Fine. How many?”

“I asked you first.”

“Okay, let’s both reveal on three. One...Two...Three...”

“Three.”

“Two...and a half.”

“Slut.”

“Man-whore!”

And then we’re laughing again. Mentally, I chastise myself. I should tell him to get off me. I should tell him that this whole interaction is not okay and establish proper boundaries. But it’s almost like I forgot how much fun it is to just...be around him, how at ease he makes me feel to discuss pretty muchanything. I only realize then how much I’ve missed this, and I just can’t bring myself to stop.

“In my defense, it did take me over a year before I could even stomach touching someone else,” he says.

“Same.”

“So, were they any good?”

“Uh...wow, this conversation is taking a weird turn, but, um, the first one...which is the one I count as half...was supposed to be a one-night stand...but I just couldn’t go through with it. I was trying to experiment. I was partying a lot at the time, and I wanted to see what it was like, but it was uncomfortable, and he just wasn’t...”You. He didn’t look like you. He didn’t smell like you. And he sure as fuck didn’t feel like you.I say all that in my head, but all I end up voicing is, “Uh...I just didn’t like it. The second guy, Cody, I knew him for about three months.” That one was just me seeking comfort, a way to nurse my broken heart. It was driven by sheer loneliness, but Scott doesn’t need to know that, especially because he was the one who broke my heart in the first place. “And that was much better. It was...verynice. What about you?”

“A blind date that went too far, which resulted in afakepregnancy. That sort of freaked me out because I’m always safe, but she had me doubting myself, so I never made that mistake again. I considered disowning my dad after that one. Then there was Courtney, which was eight months of grade-A emotionally unavailable sex. And then there was a one-night stand which shouldn’t have happened. I was so fucked up over you.” His thumb lightly caresses my hairline before trailing down to my ear and over my cheek. “Your mom told me you were moving in with your newboyfriend...” The word drips with disdain. “...and, I don’t know, I just...I lost my mind and got totally shitfaced...I don’t even remember her name, which makes me the world’s biggest dick, so I never did that again, either. And, uh, yeah, I haven’t been with anyone since.”

With just a few sentences, Scott has highlighted a stark difference between us. I was trying not to show weakness by telling him the true reason I slept with Cody, yet he just tells it like it is. Our past set the foundation for our entire relationship. To earn my trust, he exposed himself to me entirely, and that hasn’t changed at all. He lays out his whole heart, and this quality of his is so disarming. It reels me in without any fight or resistance.

To an untrained ear, his tone is casual, as if we’re just talking about the latest series on Netflix, but I can hear the somberness it’s burdened with. He doesn’t see it as a weakness to be so open with me.

He chuckles. “You know, I used to be an exceptionally good man-whore before you. It’s shameful what has become of me.”

I nod my agreement. “Peter must be disappointed.”

I’m trying to keep the conversation light, but hearing about him with other women is kinda grating me. I’m not jealous. Okay...I’m a little jealous. And, generally, I’m not the jealous type, but the thought of him being with these other women is affecting me more than it should, more than I want it to. I have no right to be upset about this.I’mthe one in a relationship here. I guess a part of me still feels like? I cut that thought off at the knees. I shouldn’t be feeling anything.

“And what about man-bun?” There’s a hesitant curiosity in his voice.

I glower at him. “Stop calling him that. And if you must know. JP and I have a great sex life.”

“I thought so.”

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