Page 96 of It Should Have Been Me

“Why do you always do that?” The question comes out with a hint of exasperation. She pulls away from me and wipes the tears off her cheeks. “I hurt you. I know I hurt you, and yet you’ll still put my feelings first, you’ll still make sure I’m okay. Why do you do that?”

“I...” I’m unable to answer for a moment. “I don’t know. Look at you. You’re a fucking mess. Of course, I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m not just talking about now. Do you remember when I broke up with you over text? You still made sure I didn’t walk home in the rain. You still made sure Kyle didn’t bother me. Why do you do that?”

I’m confused as hell. She’s acting so weird. “Have you been drinking?”

“Do you know you always open the car door for me? It started in school and you still do it now. It doesn’t matter if you’re angry or upset, you do it every time. Do you know that you do that?”

“The fuck?” I run an irritable hand down my face because she’s not giving me a straight answer, so I can’t figure out what’s wrong or why she’s acting so weird. “Cat, it’s three in the morning. Why are you in my bed asking me these random questions?”

“Do you know that in the seventeen days I was here; you told me you love me thirty-three times? I counted. That’s an average of about twice a day. And I didn’t say it back once. You just throw it out during conversations. Do you know why you do that?”

“You’re...you’re askingmorerandom questions instead of telling mewhyyou’re asking them.”

And it’s like she didn’t hear any of that because she continues as if I’ve said nothing. “You do that because that’s how you love. You love without any expectations. You love with no fear of exposing your weaknesses or vulnerabilities. You love wholeheartedly despite all the hurt and pain I’ve caused. And I can’t believe that I took that love for granted.”

“Cat, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I’m saying...I’m saying I want to try again. I’m saying that I want to put the past behind us and start over.”

My heart stops. That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear this whole time, but even though she’s finally said it, it still feels impossible. I half-smile and shrug because I know how this conversation goes. We’ll talk in circles just to conclude that we want different things. I decide to save time and jump straight to the end result. “We can’t make it work. Maybe we could do the long-distance thing for a few months, but we’re just going to end up right back here at the same impasse because long-distance is not a long-term solution, Cat.”

She shifts on the bed and reaches for her bag on the floor. She takes out a sealed deck of cards with two sharpies and hands one to me.

“Do you remember how to play this game?” she asks, removing the plastic sheathing.

I glare at her. “This was my game. Of course, I remember how to play it.”

“Let’s change the rules a little. This timeyouonly have to give me three and I’ll give double.”

She takes the cards out of the box, hands me three, then takes the rest for herself. We take a few minutes to write everything we think and feel about each other. I write my three quite quickly, but she’s still scribbling her way through half the deck. She kicks off her shoes and moves to sit opposite me with her legs crossed.

“I’ll go first.” She flips over a card that says:I love you. “Just in case you didn’t know.” She flips over another:I’ve been wanting to say that to you for so long.

It’s my turn, and I put down:I don’t see a way for us to make this work.“I can’t do what I love if we’re moving around all the time, so I can’t move to where you are. And you’re chasing adventure, Catalina. You want more than I can give you, so if you move back here, you’ll be bored within a year...and you’ll leave again.”

As if sensing I was going to say that, she immediately puts down another card:I want to trade the big adventures for the little ones.

I look up from the card, my brows knitting with confusion. “I have no idea what that means.”

Again, it’s like she was waiting for me to say that and she puts down another card:I want to watch sunsets with you in an inflatable pool on your rooftop.

And then another:I want to drive to the mountain tops to see shooting stars from the back of your SUV.

And she just keeps them coming.I want impromptu dances on the beach with no music.

I want impromptu dances in the kitchen while I cook.

I want early morning runs with three sets of burpees.

I want jelly bellies and popcorn while we watch movies together.

I stare at the cards for a long time, my eyes glossing over the words before I look up at her again. “Those aren’t adventures, Cat.”

“They are, though. See, the thing is I got so caught up in chasing the big adventures that I forgot that life with you is a continuous series of little ones. The definition of adventure is an unusual or exciting experience, and excitement entails your heart pounding and pulse beating rapidly. It gets your endorphins pumping and adrenalin zipping through your veins. That’s how I feel every second that I’m with you. Life with youisthe adventure, Scott. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that. And I was never looking for more than you. I was just...trying to findme. I needed to figure out whoIwas...as a person, as an artist. And I wanted you by my side through all of it, but that’s not the way it worked out.”

A moment is needed to take in everything she’s told me, and I take a deep, steadying breath before resuming the game. That was more than double, so I assume it’s my turn again and place another card on the bed:I won’t survive you leaving me a third time.

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