Page 95 of It Should Have Been Me

25. Scott

“You’re judging me,Rocky.”

He gives me a disinterested look then places his little face on my lap and focuses on the TV again.

“Curiosity just got the better of me, that’s all. It’s not like I like these stupid movies...”

He raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, I liked the first one.”

I grab the remote and switch the TV off. I’ve binged watched the first four Sharknado movies and I’m low-key ashamed of myself, but I still can’t get her off my mind. They say that it takes three weeks to develop a habit. Well, she’s been gone for three weeks now, twenty-three days to be exact, and I still can’t get used to her not being around.

I’ve taken three drives up toward Corral Canyon, hoping each time that I’d find the peace and solitude I once found there. But no. She fucked that up, too. Dylan and Isa came back from their honeymoon two days ago and invited me over for dinner. I declined. I know I should get out of this goddamn apartment, give myself a break from the relentless attack of all the memories she left here, but I just want to be alone.

“C’mon, let’s go for a walk.”

I put him on a leash, and we take a stroll down the beach. I breathe in the salty air, taking in the sound of the waves and the sunset in the distance. I try to focus on every detail to distract me, but the pain is so embedded in me, rooted in the pit of my stomach, spreading up into my lungs, so I can feel it every time I breathe. I’ve been carrying it around since we broke up, so I should be used to the weight of it, but today it’s so heavy, I think I may just collapse under the pressure.

I return to my apartment, and it’s empty like it always is. Like a vacuum, it sucks me into the depths of it. I thought the emptiness was around me, but it’s not. It’s within me and I can’t escape it. Except for my eight-month emotionally unavailable stint with Courtney, I’ve been single for five years, and yet I’ve never felt more alone.

Rocky and I have a quiet dinner. I try to cheer myself up by watching videos of kids falling down, but it doesn’t work, and eventually, I reach a point of exhaustion where I can’t fight sleep anymore.

“I think we should call it a night, Rock. And you’re sleeping in your own bed again tonight.”

Apart from moping and making questionable decisions about which movies to watch, I have managed to train Rocky to sleep by himself. I’m pretty proud of myself because it may be the only productive thing I’ve done in three weeks. I make sure he’s settled in for the night, then drop straight into bed. I’m asleep in seconds.

A rustling sound startles me awake a few hours later and then I feel the mattress drop beside me. I bolt upright, ready to knock the intruder the fuck out, but even in the dim light, I recognize her small frame.

“Jesus, Cat! What are you doing here?” Adrenaline is still pumping through my veins, and I take a few deep breaths to bring down my rapid heart rate. She doesn’t answer, and it confuses me more. Part of me feels like I may be dreaming. “Cat, are you alright?”

A sniffle is the only thing I get as a response, so I reach over to turn on the bedside lamp. She’s shaking. Her eyes are red and swollen, like she’s been crying for hours. My confusion turns to worry because I’ve seen her cry a thousand times, but I’ve never seen her look so devastated.

“Hey...Hey, c’mere.” I sit up and pull her into my arms. “Are you okay?”

She shakes her head against my chest, and I hold her tighter.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” I brace myself, expecting her to tell me someone died, but she doesn’t say anything. “Cat, please tell me what’s going on. You’re freaking me out.”

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