Page 86 of It Should Have Been Me

“Please don’t bring that up again. Actually, you should just Men-In-Black that entire chunk of the night out of your memory.”

We continue to talk as we move across the floor. She tells me about the few close calls she had with some family members who almost let it slip that we were engaged in front of JP and how she managed to change the topic before it was revealed. I don’t say much. I just listen, finding solace in her voice.

“Oh, and I also spoke to Dr. Burkman.” she says.

“Who’s that?”

“She was Dylan and Isa’s anger management therapist, so they invited her because she played such a big role in them getting back together. She was also the crazy doctor who recommended to the school that you were the one who broke me down, so you should be the one to help me heal.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember her.”

She smiles, looking at me differently. “She remembers you, too, which was a surprise to me because I didn’t know that you two had ever met. I asked her why she would ever make such a recommendation. Surely, she should’ve known that it could be dangerous to put me in situations where I’d be alone with a guy who bullied me. And do you know what her answer was?”

I have an idea but don’t voice it. “What?”

“She told me that she spoke to you at the hospital. Apparently, you came to check on me twice, but you didn’t want her or the nurses to tell anyone about it. She said that you sounded remorseful and ready to make amends, so she wanted to give us both the opportunity to heal from that. Did you do that?”

“Yeah.” I feel a little sheepish admitting this because I did some next-level begging to make sure my mother and my friends never found out about that. I especially didn’t want Cat to find out because I was so embarrassed that I actuallycaredabout what happened to her. Fuck, I was such a jerk. “How does she even remember that?”

“She said that Isa mentioned me breaking my arm in therapy, and the name and situation sounded familiar, so she went back and checked my file and those were the notes she had about you.”

Listening to that makes my brain swing back to the beginning. It all started outside that diner, and after everything we’ve been through, I hate that this is how it has to end. I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I’m conflicted, bouncing between happiness and anger and joy and frustration.

Two weeks have come and gone. She came back into my life and changed everything. She’s leaving tomorrow, and that thought allows me to zone into exactly the emotion that’s plaguing me. It’s disappointment. Overwhelming disappointment.

19. Catalina

“My feet are killingme,” I say groggily as I slide the key card into the holder. The light flashes green, I walk into our hotel room, and kick off my heels. It’s three in the morning. I’m very tipsy, and all I want to do is drop straight into bed.

Isa and Dylan left the party ages ago, but my family never knows when to call it quits at a party. My aunt Maria, my cousin Sophia, and I were the last people on the dance floor. The DJ slowed the music so we would leave, but all that did was slow our steps and force us to throw in some drunken karaoke. I’m no singer, but I know for a fact that I did theGreatest Love of Alljustice even though Scott said that he heard Whitney turn in her grave during my last chorus.

Lia and Peter left after midnight, but Scott and Tommy stayed until the bitter end as well. Tommy and I bawled our eyes out when Isa left in herJust Marriedcar. He didn’t want to be alone, so he clung to me for the rest of the night. We even did a duet together. So, despite the many tears, the uncomfortably high-stress levels that made me feel like I was on the verge of vomiting all the time, and the guilt feeding on my insides like a parasitic amoeba, the night turned out to be fun.

Well, until JP decided to call an end to the night. I still had at least another four songs in me. I reluctantly left my aunts on the dance floor, Scott and Tommy went to the bar, and JP escorted me to our room.

Now that I’m alone with him, my body tenses up because I don’t know how to be around him. I don’t know what the rules are anymore. My divided loyalty, which is still leaning heavily to thewrongside, is making me physically recoil at the thought of sharing a bed with him. How am I supposed to get out of this?

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