Page 73 of It Should Have Been Me

A laugh pops out of her, and she shoves my shoulder. “Asshole!”

“And secondly, your face is...flawless. If I had to measure the distance from the top of your nose to the center of your lips, I bet it would be 1.618 times the distance from the center of your lips to the bottom of your chin. And from your eyes to the base of your nose and your nose to the bottom of your mouth, the ratio will be 1 to 1.618. And your upper lip in relation to your lower lip – I’m pretty damn sure the ratio would be 1 to 1.618. It’s the reason why they’re so perfect.” I run my thumb over her mouth, feeling the plumpness I’m so desperately craving. It’s only been a few days since the last time I kissed her, yet it feels like an eternity. “But phi implies that beauty is objective when beauty is very subjective. It exists on varying levels depending on the eyes gazing upon it. Not everyone finds Kim Kardashian attractive. You’re of the opinion that the closer something is to the ratio, the more aesthetically appealing it is. There’s about a three percent margin of error, but theoretically, if something doesn’t fit into those proportions, it should be...less attractive. And that’s not the case. Realistically, twenty percent of all things in nature are not in line with 1.618. Twenty percent is not a statistical anomaly. It proves that beauty can exist even if it’s not in that ratio because one rose is not more perfect than another. And this mouth and this face...” My thumb runs over her cheek. “They aren’t as perfect as they appear. The eyes gazing upon them should be able to find the same beauty in another, and thus the concept of phi tapers down to a mere myth. Based on this, the idea of perfection ceases to exist.”

Realization seems to click inside her because she stares at me for a long time. “So, that’s what you’re trying to debunk?”

“Cat, for the sake of my own sanity...I think I need to.”

Her hand moves to stroke my cheek. Silence stretches between us as her eyes search mine. Whatever it is she’s looking for, she finds it because she lifts her head and presses her mouth against mine. I’m startled for a second because I don’t know what to make of this kiss, but I mentally shelve that as a mind-fuck to unpack tomorrow. Tonight, I resign myself to making more bad decisions. My body moves over hers and I deepen the kiss.

I didn’t wantherto spill over and taint other parts of my life. And yet here she is contaminating more of it. Now, whenever I come to this hilltop, I won’t be able to watch the sunset without thinking about her. I won’t be able to take in the colors of the sky as dusk falls without remembering the sound of her voice. I won’t be able to enjoy the silence because all I’ll hear is the desperate way she keeps moaning my name as my mouth makes love to hers. She’s infused her memory into this very private part of my life and when she fucks off and leaves me again, I won’t be able to come here without feeling like something is missing.

And the thing is, I let this happen. As much as I feel unable to stop and pull away from her, as much as I feel out of my depths and out of control, I have to acknowledge that this is a choice...a choice in a series of choices that will inevitably lead to me getting my heart broken again.

15. Catalina

I’m crumbling. I’mdisintegrating. I’m falling into an endless abyss and there’s no net to catch me. I’m trapped in a vortex and my life is spiraling out of control. This morning, I woke up in the back of Scott’s SUV. We didn’t have sex last night. It was just a kiss, but last night was the second night I fell asleep beside a man who isn’t my boyfriend.

I told my mom I was spending the night at Connor’s because he wanted me to help him test a new game. According to her, I’ve been with Connor every time I’ve gone out. The lies are piling up. The guilt is spilling over. My life is falling into disarray. And I can stop it. The solution is very easy. All I have to do is stop spending time with Scott. I just need to stay away from him. I just need to wake up, push him out of my head, and go about my business. But I can’t. This is why I’m feeling so out of control. This is a very basic thing that I simply cannot do. I feel powerless trying to stop this urge to see him. And to make matters worse, I feel utterly overwhelmed because I still can’t get hold of JP.

And then a few minutes ago, Dylan called Scott. He’d heard from my mother that I had slept over at Connor’s and his exact words to Scott were:I know she’s not with you because we’re friends and you wouldn’t test my temper like this. But can you just pass a message on to Connor for me? We’re going to her mother’s house in two hours, so he better make damn sure that Cat is back home by then.

The drive home has been quiet and awkward. Questions and issues linger in the air. Scott seems to be deep in thought. He’s barely looked at me since he woke up this morning. When he pulls up in front of my mother’s house, he looks into the backseat to check on Rocky, who’s still sleeping peacefully.

Scott is still avoiding eye contact while he waits for me to exit. I get out of the car and close the door, but I can’t leave with this tension hanging between us. I tap on the window and he lets out a slow breath before he opens it.

“Are you angry with me?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m not angry. Just confused.” He gets out of the car and meets me on the sidewalk, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Do you know how well I know you?”

I’m confused by the question. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Tenth grade, Mrs. William's English class. We were discussing some poem, I can’t remember which one, but she asked us to write a summary of how we interpreted it and each of us had to go up and state our thoughts in front of the class. As she was calling people up one by one, I noticed how your knee was bouncing and when it was finally your turn, your voice was so shaky you could barely speak. I just sat there thinking, damn, this girl is so nervous. In junior year, Kyle brought his pet snake to school, and he was taunting you with it. You were pressing your thumb against your palm, and I realized that you do that when you’re scared.”

I half-smile. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“I’m saying that I know you, Cat. I know all your gestures and I know that your body never lies to me. Because of your boyfriend, there are certain things you don’t want to say out loud, but if you think I didn’t feel what happened when you kissed me yesterday, you’re wrong. If you think I don’t see the way you look at me, you’re wrong. I know that you’re still in love with me. I’ve felt iteverytime you’ve kissed me. You can’t hide something like that from me.”

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