Page 53 of It Should Have Been Me

“Love you, honey,” mom calls out after him, though there is still a mischievous taunt in her tone. “He’s so cute.”

She starts chatting to Isa about the wedding plans, and I quietly stand up and walk to the kitchen.

“Hey, Keith,” I say softly.

“If you’re here to butter me up for pancakes, it’s not going to work.”

“I’m not. I just...I wanted to ask if...if I could get another hug?”

He stops with the dishes, grabbing a dishtowel to wipe his hands as he crosses the kitchen. Placing his hands on my shoulders, he searches my eyes to try to find what’s bothering me. “Is everything okay, kiddo?”

I nod. “Yeah, I guess I just want one of your dad hugs. They’re much better than your dad jokes.”

He smiles and pulls me against his chest. With my arms wrapped around him, I listen to the steady beat of his heart, and it soothes me. I’m craving steadiness. Interacting with Scott and JP today has caused a whirlwind of confusion and anxiety, love and lust, uncertainty and doubt. I want to calm the riot inside me. I just want to find a mere inkling of peace today, and I find it in the rhythmic thump against my ear. I find it in the sturdy, reliable arms of my stepdad. I cling to him because right now, he’s the only man in my life who doesn’t come with complications.

11. Catalina

“And that’s when I realized,” Connor says, taking another spoonful of ice cream. “I can’t be with someone who hasn’t even watchedStar Wars. What am I getting myself into?”

Connor is the type of friend that even if I don’t speak to him for months, we can still have a conversation and pick up right where we left off. It’s a very easy-going, low-maintenance relationship. Always has been. We just click on a weird level. He’s an adorable nerd. Exceptionally cute, I would say. With soft hazel eyes, ginger locks, and a slight dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks, it’s not difficult for him to get a girl’s attention. What’s difficult is for a girl to keep his attention. I’m not sure if it stems from insecurity, but he’s always the one to call it quits, almost like he wants to break up with the girl before she breaks up with him.

I’ve just spent the last four hours catching up with him, and we somehow ended up sitting in the outdoor dining area of a little ice cream parlor. We’ve already had two milkshakes each and decided to share a sundae. Connor has a crazy sweet tooth, and I’m going to be bouncing off the walls soon if I don’t slow down my sugar intake.

I lick my spoon clean before pointing it at him. “That’s not a valid reason to break up with someone. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Did you not hear anything I just said? It makes perfect sense.”

“I’ve been telling you for years that this is a problem and, Connor, I really think it’s time that you address your commitment issues.”

I stuff another spoonful of creamy deliciousness into my mouth, but don’t stop talking. It’s a habit of mine that JP can’t stand. I can hear his voice in my head playfully admonishing me for speaking with my mouth full, and the guilt I’m trying to suppress resurfaces. After my talk with Keith, I decided to be completely honest with JP. Not just about being engaged to Scott, but aboutsleepingwith him, too. I can’t let him come here blind, if he even comes here at all once I tell him what I’ve done. I need to stop being a coward, tell him the truth, and accept the consequences of my actions, no matter what they might be.

The problem is, I can’t get hold of him. I know he said he was going away, but I didn’t think he would leaveimmediately. I tried calling him on Saturday night right after Isa left my mother’s house. Five times actually, and it went straight to voicemail. I tried again and again all of yesterday and still nothing. My anxiety levels are driving me to the point of madness.

“You do this every time you start liking a girl,” I say, trying to distract myself from the uneasiness in my stomach. “You’ll find the smallest, most insignificant fault, turn it into this massive problem that you just can’t live with, and end the relationship.”

“Star Warstrivia is, like, eighty percent of my personality. It’ll never work.”

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