Page 54 of It Should Have Been Me

“Why don’t you arrange a movie night instead? Watch it with her, and if she hates it, you know it’s not meant to be, but to just end it without even trying is sostupid.”

“Cat, how has she been alive for twenty-two years and she hasn’t watchedStar Warsyet? What has she been doing this whole time? It shows that her priorities growing up were askew.”

I roll my eyes. “God, you’re hopeless. Please give her a chance, otherwise you’re gonna end up growing old with nothing but games, my friend.” I sigh. “And on the topic. How’s work?”

Connor found his passion in testing and reviewing games. Based on how he was when we were younger, it was an obvious career choice, and helovesit.

“Great. Still loving it. Who wouldn’t want to sit around and play games all day? But I have to admit, I enjoyed it a lot more when you were still here and used to help me with the testing.”

“Yeah, I miss that, too.” I think back on the memories with fondness. I had to stop when I started traveling so often because some places I visited didn’t even have Wi-Fi. “Remember those games where we’d play for, like, twenty-four hours straight? It used to drive Scott nuts. He’d come pick me up the next day, and I was just...dead to the world.”

And now Scott is the one dominating my thoughts, overriding the guilt, or maybe making it worse. I’m not sure. Man, I miss him. I miss everything we used to do together. Simple things like watching a movie or going for a run or sitting on his bed eating nachos. Sometimes we’d sit up talking until the early hours of the morning and at midnight, he’d just take a break and run out to get us nachos. He’d come back, and we’d just carry on talking. I miss that so much. I’d pushed all these memories out of my head, but now those memories are mixing with the feel of his lips and the smell of his cologne, and my stomach is just a bubbling volcano of confusion.

I silently eat our sundae, lost in my thoughts, before I look up at Connor again. “Those were the days, hey, Connor,” I say idly.

His eyes narrow before they widen. “Oh, my God! You slept with Scott.”

“What! How...” I stare at him, gaping, shocked. “How do you know that?”

“Because I know you. You just mentioned Scott’s name and look at what you turned into.”

This panics me because I don’t know what kind of vibes I’m inadvertently giving off. “What are you talking about? I haven’t turned into anything.”

“Catalina, you’re all red in the face and doe-eyed and...swoony.”

“I’m not! I’m really not!” I stop and think about it. “Oh, crap! Am I? Shit! Isa is going to kill me if she finds out and if you picked it up so easily...”

“I think she’s too distracted with the wedding so she’s not paying enough attention to notice, but...this is not a bad thing if you guys are thinking about getting back together.”

“We’re not,” I blurt out.

“Wait. You’renotgetting back together...even though you had sex with him?”

I shake my head. “No. Scott and I are not reconciling.”

He eyes me warily before clasping his hands together on the table. “I’m going to ask you a series of questions, and I want you to answer honestly.”

“Okay.”

“Are you going to tell JP?”

“Yes...I have to. I can’t keep something like this from him. I’ll never be able to live with myself or the guilt.”

“Are you considering ending it with JP and trying again with Scott?”

“No. Connor, JP and I have built an amazing life together and my career is escalating at meteorite speed right now. I’ve already signed a three-year contract with an exclusive hotel chain, which starts about a week after the wedding. I can’t even tell you how excited I am about that. They want all their hotels to have this renaissance feel and they want me to design and sculpt the pieces for the foyers and the gardens, not by myself obviously, but heading up that project. That contract is going to take me to cities like Milan and Dubai. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, backing out of that contract would be such a career-limiting move. I don’t even have an established client base here. Moving back to Pasadena means I have to start at the bottom again, and why would I give up Milan and Dubai forPasadena? No, Connor. That’s my future. Scott...Scott is the past.” A hard lump forms in my throat just hearing myself say that. “We’re over now...and I have no thoughts about trying again.”

“Do you have any intention of...getting naked with him again?”

“No! I told him I can’t see him again until the wedding.”

“Are you sure...because that look on your face...”

I glower at him. “I’m sure. I didn’t leave on the best terms yesterday...and I hate that. I hate that there’s this tension between us. I hate that we’re so mad at each other. I think...if I get a chance at the wedding when JP is not around...I’m going to pull him aside and just smooth things over because I can’t leave like this. He still has feelings for me, and I want him to move on and be happy. He needs to let go, and I don’t think he can do that if he’s harboring all this animosity toward me. But that’s it. No other contact other than that.”

Connor eats another two spoons of ice cream and then fixes worried eyes on me. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

“Of course. I still care about him.”

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