Page 50 of It Should Have Been Me

Today was different, though. Today revealed that we both haven’t healed from our breakup. I suppose it’s to be expected. The end was too abrupt, and it’s not something either of us wanted. But now he blames me, and I blame him, and both of us are so bitter about...everything. I can’t stand it. I know I needed to walk away from Scott today. I’m in a happy, loving relationship and what happened between us can’teverhappen again. But I hate the way I left. I hate the tension between us. And then the wordsI love youleft his lips and hearing that after the night we shared is slowly killing me. I don’t know what he expects me to do with that information. Three little words can’t change our circumstances. I’m in a different place now. I have a boyfriend, a career, a life that I’ve built without him.

Everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours has thrown my world into shambles. I have everything I want out of life. I’m exactly where I want to be in life. But I’ve gone and messed it all up. I destroyed everything I’ve built for one night, and I don’t know what to do now. I have no idea how to fix it.

I sneak into the house as quietly as I can. I’m thankful that Isa isn’t here yet, and my mom and Keith are having an afternoon nap. I already had a shower earlier, but I need another one. His cologne seems to be embedded in my pores, and it’s still emanating from my body. I can still feel him on every inch of my skin, as if his touch is imprinted on me. The taste of him still lingers on my lips. I want it all off. I want to wash away the betrayal and guilt before I call JP.

Stepping into the shower, I let the hot water run over my head and down my back. My body feels limp and sore andused. He ravaged me today, took everything he wanted...and I let him. I told him he could take all of me. Hell, I gave it to him and now I feel like I have nothing left. All I had to do to stop it was tell him I didn’t want him, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even lie because I have never wanted anything more. I thought I was loyal. At the very least, I thought I’d have divided loyalty, and last night proves that my loyalty still lies with the man who broke my heart. It’s a sickening acknowledgment. The guilt churns within me and my stomach flips over. I’m utterly disgusted with myself.

You feel what I’m doing? This is me ruining you for every other guy. Even when you leave again, this moment will still play on your mind.

He wasn’t wrong because even as tears spill from my eyes, I can’t stop thinking about him. I scrub myself until my skin is red and raw, but I can still feel him. It takes another twenty minutes for me to work up the courage to call JP.

“Hi, love,” I say when his face appears on my screen.

I’m greeted with disappointment. “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. I was worried about you.”

“I’m so sorry. We went out last night...and I didn’t take my phone with me. We left the club late, so I just stayed over at a friend’s place.”

“I know,” he says with a heavy sigh. “I got hold of your mother and she told me.”

My heart starts galloping, beating hard against my ribs. “You spoke to my mother?” I ask, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. “What...what did she tell you?”

I can see the agitation on his face. “She said you were with your friend Scott...again.”

I should tell him. I know I should tell him. The truth is right there at the tip of my tongue, but I just...can’t. How do I tell him that I cheated on him with my ex-fiancé? He doesn’t even know I had an ex-fiancé. How do I break news like this over the phone when he’s thousands of miles away, when he’s looking at me with so much love and trust? Bile rises from my stomach, and I’m so close to throwing up.

I take a few deep breaths, swallowing my nerves to tell him, but I chicken out at the last second. “Uh...we met...we met some of our other friends...” My tongue feels thick, and I taste the bitterness of the lies spilling out of me. “Then all of us went over to Scott’s place...and we just crashed in his living room.”

And later, when you call him, you can lie about who you were with last night, even though you’ll still be feeling me right here.

I cringe at the words echoing in my head, swallowing hard as I battle to keep my composure. A slight shudder runs through my body, and I press my thighs together because I do feel him. Scott used to be a bully and sometimes it still shows in his behavior. He knows exactly how to phrase things to warp the mind. It’s not his intention to hurt me, but that doesn’t mean his words don’t leave a lasting impact.

“Someone there must’ve had a phone. You could’ve still called.”

“I’m sorry, Bon-bon. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just haven’t been out dancing for a while and I guess...I got carried away.”

“Hmm...dancing is the culprit.” Despite his irritable mood, he gives a small smile. “Always the problem with you, but at least you had fun with your friends. Next time, just be responsible about it. I’m all the way over here, and I felt entirely helpless not knowing where you were and if you were okay.”

I squash my uneasiness into a tight ball and blink back the tears that are on the brink of falling. I don’t deserve him. “I’m sorry.”

He nods, accepting my apology, and I feel like shit that he softened so easily because I should be begging for forgiveness. “How are all the wedding plans going?”

I try to smile. “Good. Isa still has a few more things to sort out, so after I have lunch with Connor tomorrow, I’m going with her and Tommy to do the last-minute run-around.”

“Sounds like fun.” He pauses for a second or two. “Are you okay,ma cherie? You don’t seem like yourself. Where are the giggles? Where are the snappy comebacks?” He gasps and winks at me. “Where are all your inappropriate jokes?”

“I’m trying to polish up my act for you, trying to be a respectable woman, and then maybe you might start liking me.” This playful banter is the norm between us, but it feels off today. At least for me.

“No.” He shakes his head in horror. “No chance of that happening. Ever. Nothing could make me like you.”

“You told me you missed me the other day. I thought we were making progress.”

“I was sniffing too much paint that day.”

I giggle, and this time it’s real. I really do love him, and I chose to be with him because he is the polar opposite of Scott. Maybe I did that because I didn’t want any reminders, but I love him all the same. JP is just a warm, gentle soul and I hate what I did to him. He doesn’t deserve that.

“You’re such an asshole,” I tease, but my voice sounds a little weighed down.

“Ah, I was wondering where my girlfriend disappeared to. I thought you were abducted by aliens, and this was an imposter I was speaking to, but you finally arrived...And, now thinking about it...aliens would have brought you right back.”

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